Does my wife go out too much or am I paranoid?
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Old 09-01-2009, 09:03 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Does my wife go out too much or am I paranoid?

Iíve been married 7 years. I'm 36, she's 32. We have 2 very young children. The first few years of our marriage were a happy honeymoon. The last 4+ years we were either very pregnant or raising infants/ toddlers. A new busy, tired happy. Although our intimacy needs work, we love each other, are best friends, and enjoy each others company tremendously.

About 8 months ago, my wife started going out on weekend nights with a girlfriend (mutual friend, also married). That's to be expected. After 4 years of being a mommy, she was due for some non-hubby/kid company. And a monthly "girlís night out" is healthy.

I just don't think their particular choice of activity, or frequency (used to be monthly, lately every other week) is appropriate for a 32 year old mother of 2. Every time they go out, they go out dancing at bars until closing time. Her friend is a similar age and very attractive and flirty. My wife also has an outgoing personality, and has gotten back into pretty good shape since our second child. So her and her friend surely make pretty tempting prospects in that kind of an environment. And I know both of their personalities. I know they don't dance only with each other until 2:00 AM every other weekend. I know they dance w/ people they meet there. They hang out with them. Flirt. Have fun. They have a wide circle of friends they could invite along who could make it more like a ladies night out if they chose to. But itís always just the two of them. Itís their little thing.

I trust my wife and don't worry that she's looking to "hook-up". She just wants to have fun. But as someoneís grandma said in another post, if you sit in the barber chair long enough, youíre going to get a haircut. The more you expose yourself to something like this, the more likely something could happen. The right guy walks in, chemistry strikes, thereís seemingly few consequences and little chance of detection. Sheís human. I know she wouldnít have sex with a man she met at a bar. But it doesnít have to be sex to be cheating.

Am I overreacting? (There is no history of infidelity in our relationship, not even suspicion, up until now.) Is this just innocent "unwind time"? Is my jealousy going to force her to stop an activity she loves that only me and my paranoia see as wrong?

She doesnít talk about these evenings with me. It is a very fine line between me asking innocent questions afterwards and seeming like Iím paranoid and prying. I feel like Iím the (mostly) dependable, solid guy at home that worries about money and has annoying habits. In other words, old news and boring. These strange guys are her fun, her excitement. I hate the whole thing and donít know what to do.
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Old 09-01-2009, 09:57 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does my wife go out too much or am I paranoid?

Maybe you can get a sitter one of these times and go with her. That way you can see what the scene is there, and if she gets upset at the thought of you wanting to go with them, then I think that is a good opener for talking about things. If she welcomes you to join them, then I think things are probably fine and I might not worry as much. If she gets defensive about you going along, I would get a little suspicious.
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Old 09-01-2009, 10:05 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does my wife go out too much or am I paranoid?

Thanks. I've thought of that. But I fear her rejection of me going. I know I won't have fun. Neither will she. It would be a mess. I already hate all of this too much to be able to pretend it is anything but spying. Don't you think she would have invited me out by now if it were even an option? It's never even been implied. It would like her being invited to a bunch of girls-only baby showers in a short amount of time and me getting a sitter to go to one. It just wouldn't make sense.

I'll think about it.

Last edited by cody5; 09-02-2009 at 05:25 AM.
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Old 09-01-2009, 11:16 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does my wife go out too much or am I paranoid?

your wife doesnt respond in a loving way to your concerns so you have the answer to your question.

she knows what she's doing, the line she's walking.

she doesn't care.

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Originally Posted by cody5 View Post
I hate the whole thing and donít know what to do.
well there you have it.

i'm sorry but you do know what to do.

you just don't want to do it.

which is understandable but not healthy.

i'm sorry i couldn't be more positive.
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Old 09-02-2009, 05:40 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does my wife go out too much or am I paranoid?

Thanks "recent cloud". The first part of your post helped me understand my feelings. The "she doesn't care" part stings, but I know it's true.

As far as "you know what to do you just don't want to do it"?
- If you mean to talk about it, that doesn't work. She get's defensive and accusational.
- If you mean force the issue more? I just see that as the talk about it option getting bad.
- Marriage counseling to improve communication? Find out what she's looking for when she goes out tomcatting? Maybe, but that's pretty drastic.

Of all of those, the best option I see is "force the issue more". It will become a knock-down drag-out that ends in me insisting she stop with threats of the consequences if she doesn't. But I don't want to be that kind of husband either.
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Old 09-02-2009, 08:52 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does my wife go out too much or am I paranoid?

I used to go out dancing every other weekend. I love dancing. My hubby would go whenever he felt like it, but he's friends with the DJ and would spend most of the night in the DJ booth.

Hubby had no problem with me going out without him. We have a standing rule though about who to dance with. We definately do not dance with strangers of the opposite sex. There are a couple of people that we feel comfortable with each other dancing with. I either dance with girlfriends, the designated "safe" people, or by myself. I never cheated, and was never even tempted to.

If your wife doesn't want you to go because it's not your "thing" and neither of you would have a good time, that is one thing. If she doesn't want you to go because you'd cramp her style, that is another.

Personally, the whole...going out every other weekend thing.....gets old. It was kind of a phase, I guess. I go out once every 4 or 6 months now. So maybe your wife will get tired of it.

I'm wondering if she doing this as a post-partem ego boost. After having a couple of babies, maybe your wife is just getting some of her self confidence back. Having kids is such a life altering thing for both parents. Some women can feel pidgeon holed into the "mommy" thing and want to feel like a woman again.

My advise would be for you to find some things for the two of you to do together that you both enjoy. Movie nights, dinners out, etc...

Bottem line is, if what she is doing is hurting you, it's not good and she needs to understand that.
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Old 09-02-2009, 03:12 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does my wife go out too much or am I paranoid?

Thanks Scarletblue. I needed to hear from a woman about what goes on during these nights out. What goes through a womans head. I appreciate you giving me possibilities about how this could all be innocent. But you also leave open just as big a possibility that they are not:

- You had boundaries. That implies there could be trouble if there is not. We havenít set boundaries and I have NO reason to believe she set self-imposed ones (besides the obvious big indisputable ones, of course). I know her, her friend, and their personalities. And letís not ignore the type of environment she is putting herself into twice a month. These clubs are known more for hooking people up than for girls dancing with each other. I can guarantee that 90+% of the guys that go to these places are there to get laid (thatís 100% minus the few gay guys that actually like to dance). Thatís a tough environment for a husband in my situation.

- It may be a post partum issue, but wanting to ďfeel like a woman againĒ isnít exactly an argument to push this in the ďinnocentĒ direction. Iím sorry if she has issues, but that canít excuse inappropriate behavior.

- Dancing is not "my thing". But letís say me and my best buddy like to go to strip bars and get a lapdance every other weekend. Just because thatís not HER thing, it wouldnít make it right. Is that an extreme example? I donít know, whatís worse? Some bimbo who is probably repulsed by you and wants nothing but to take your money as fast as she can by rubbing herself through your pants for 5 minutes? Or a series of potential short-term emotional attachments that have at least the possibility to progress.

- Why the secrets? Why not tell me where she goes? Why not tell me what the crowd was like? Tell me how much fun she had? Whoíd she hang out with? Anything funny happen? Anything interesting? What kind of music did they play? Did everybody dance or would I maybe not feel so out of place if I went and talked to the other wall flowers? She goes out for a one hour lunch with a friend and I hear the details for hours. But nothing after one of these

Iím sorry, and I appreciate the advice, but Iím still leaning in the ďnot so innocentĒ direction. In starting this thread, I wanted to know if I could initiate a discussion on this issue and not have it turned back on me as a jealous husband. To press the discussion when she gets defensive and accusatory without being called controlling. To not have to slink away feeling like Iím a bad guy for having what everyone must admit are valid concerns. Have her respect those concerns and discuss them with me. If these nights are so innocent, tell me about it like Scarletblue did. If they have the potential to go a little astray, letís talk about that to; set boundaries. (And of course, if you admit you do it only to get a rush out of the sensual closeness of the slow-dances, we have a problem.)

And we do things together. But again, Iím Mr. Old and Dependable. We donít do anything that could match the excitement of her singles nights out, and that bothers me.
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Old 09-02-2009, 03:27 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does my wife go out too much or am I paranoid?

Wake up!

Your wife is looking for male attention and telling you whatever she has to to get you off her back.
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Old 09-02-2009, 03:44 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does my wife go out too much or am I paranoid?

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Wake up!

Your wife is looking for male attention and telling you whatever she has to to get you off her back.
OUCH! That one hurt. But I guess it's summarizes the situation better than the hundreds of the great words of advice above. I think I needed that slap. Thanks.
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Old 09-02-2009, 04:10 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does my wife go out too much or am I paranoid?

Something's rotten in the state of Denmark! Shakespeare...

First thing is - ask her if you can go dancing with her one of those times. If she gets defensive or gives you an excuse as to why you should not, don't argue with her just say OK honey.

Dude, then show up unnannounced at the club. Go ahead people flame me for that suggestion but you know what - I've been through the same thing - it's where my wife at age 32 met the OM. It really messed up my marriage. So I say, show up one night and just check things out. Don't let her know your there. And if something is going on you don't like, don't make a scene there. Wait until you can talk to her at home and then start the inquisition. Sorry, but if something is going on you don't like you need to put a stop to it before it gets WAY out of hand, if it hasn't already.
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Old 09-02-2009, 04:53 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does my wife go out too much or am I paranoid?

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OUCH! That one hurt. But I guess it's summarizes the situation better than the hundreds of the great words of advice above. I think I needed that slap. Thanks.
If it were about "the dance" as an artform or for exercise, then she doesn't need a parade of men looking to get laid "dancing" with her. She'd join a gym that has dance classes.

I mean, we both know that men at such places are not there for "the dance" as an artform or exercise.
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Old 09-02-2009, 05:36 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does my wife go out too much or am I paranoid?

[QUOTE=brighterlight;84103]
Dude, then show up unnannounced at the club. QUOTE]

I'm not so proud to say that I've tried that. But there are any number of clubs within a 4 mile radius that she could go to and I didn't catch her. I'm sorry if I gave the impression she is a lightweight partyer. If the action's not good at one, they hop to another. Since the music played is standard no matter what the crowd is like, they're surely not searching for the best DJ.
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Old 09-02-2009, 06:10 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does my wife go out too much or am I paranoid?

[QUOTE=cody5;84117]
Quote:
Originally Posted by brighterlight View Post
Dude, then show up unnannounced at the club. QUOTE]

I'm not so proud to say that I've tried that. But there are any number of clubs within a 4 mile radius that she could go to and I didn't catch her. I'm sorry if I gave the impression she is a lightweight partyer. If the action's not good at one, they hop to another. Since the music played is standard no matter what the crowd is like, they're surely not searching for the best DJ.
You're not quite getting it. The bar hook up, leave with guy.
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Old 09-02-2009, 06:22 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does my wife go out too much or am I paranoid?

Be happy your wifey is out with friends on weekends. My guess is that you're jealous that you have to work all week and watch her party all weekend while you "babysit" your own kids. You should be sooooo happy she isn't home on friday and saturday nights to yell at you. Be glad for the weekly vacation man! Put the munchkins down early then drink beer and play XBox. The perfect life. And if she is "hooking up" with these guys in the clubs then she's a gutter ****; and hopefully one of these idiots will keep her so she can do the same thing to him.
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Old 09-02-2009, 07:15 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does my wife go out too much or am I paranoid?

OK. Now that you all see I'm just being an idiot about this, it's time to mess with me. Believe it or not, I don't fear the "bar hook up, leave with guy". There are problems here, but if I thought it was hard-core cheating, I wouldn't be here chatting on an advice forum. (I'd probably either be in jail or have a restraining order against me by now).

And B07, I'm not even going to touch that one, but thanks for the advice.
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