Bf wants to marry but has major financial issues

precious_daisy · 09-02-2009, 05:05 AM

My bf has some major financial issues. He declared bankruptcy a year ago and has a huge debt to still pay off.
He is 47 and earns a low salary and has never saved any money and has no assets. He has always relied on others to help him out and never stood up and took responsibility.
He said he wants a future with me however I don’t believe he is financially ready. We had a falling out which has made him more committed to saving money, which I also have my doubts but I am trying to trust his word. He says he has records of his expenditure which I would love to see, but am unsure of crossing that boundary. As it stands it will take him another 4 years to pay all his debts off.
I manage my finances responsibly and I think he sees that as a comfort. Having a huge debt will add pressure and cause alot of stress and issues and I believe especially if we merged our incomes, his entire income would go to paying the debt off and we would live off my income, which I think is unfair. I asked him how he could expect someone who he loves to deal with the mistakes he has made previously as before I came along he did not do anything to help himself.
At this stage I feel like I would be putting myself at risk if we were even to move in together. He cannot really afford to live on his own so I don’t see how he could contribute to a household. If we got married I am thinking that I would have to draw up a financial agreement in case things went sour in order to protect what I have worked hard for. It may be selfish but if he was financially responsible then I wouldn’t need to think of this regardless of the income he earns or the assets he may or not have.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how we could possible manage such different financial situations effectively for a positive outcome?
Thanks much

Amplexor · 09-02-2009, 08:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by precious_daisy

He has always relied on others to help him out and never stood up and took responsibility.

This is a behavior that is unlikely to change. You are simply his next meal ticket. Move on and find some one who’s financial views more closely resemble yours. This is a financial and emotional disaster waiting to happen. Sorry, calling it like I see it.

preso · 09-02-2009, 08:25 AM

It is my opinion, under those circimstances you should not marry him....

if you do... your going to be super sorry.
Find someone who is more responsible and not in deep trouble and debt... your really asking for a hard life to want to marry him.

You will end up being mommy and him the bratty kid who can't control himself and wants this and that.

if your smart, you will walk away and find someone else
if you want to marry
and if
you stay with him you'd be smart not to marry and also be sure to keep all finances seperate.
You will not like being mommy.... trust me....
it takes the love and romance right out of you.

Irresponsible people ( and he is) do not make good partners.

I think anyone willing to let a man live off them while paying off his debt is .. how do I say???... not right in the head.
You maybe are naive or something... as your really asking for a tough life.

preso · 09-02-2009, 09:02 AM

[QUOTE=precious_daisy;83926
He said he wants a future with me

[/QUOTE]

a future with your earnings and things you can provide for him in the way of comfort...
to me, this man is not marriage marterial. Don't be a fool.

bomber78 · 09-02-2009, 10:57 AM

Do you love him? If so have you tried to help him out at all with his finances? Love shouldn't have any thing to do with pay checks or how much your net worth is, have you tried to talk to him maybe try to set up some courses or get him into a class on how to manage his finances better. I do understand he should be able to help out financially, it seems most americans have lost true love and have fallin for love of the money. just my 2 cents i hope thing work out for you best of luck.

precious_daisy · 09-02-2009, 06:02 PM

Thanks so much for all the feedback. I want to hear the positives and negatives so your honest opinions count for alot and I appreciate that.
My head says this wont work but the heart is a different story.
That is the struggle here. Both elements are extremely important in order to make a marriage work.
Even though I love him dearly, the risks are high unless he is really willing to change but since he has never made a commitment in his life previously and hasn't really achieved anything its hard to have that faith that will happen.
Anyone have any suggestions on how I could effectively measure the changes he has made recently. I have been bossy I will admit, which I dont enjoy, in pushing him which he has taken on board but we all know how things play out once someone gets in their comfort zone and that's what scares me if we married.
Thanks

precious_daisy · 09-02-2009, 06:06 PM

Bomber, I forgot to add that I helped him prepare a budget to keep track of his spending and work out where to make cuts in order to help pay off his debts. His work ethic is different to mine, if it was me I would be doing anything I can at whatever cost to get ahead especially if I was to get involved with someone else long term as the decisions we make will affect the ones we love.
He believes love will make everything ok, but it takes more than that and he has come round to understand that. He is seeing a counsellor on my advice to help him so I am trying but its not really up to me. I worry about the long term commitment.

Boucaques07 · 09-02-2009, 06:39 PM

We have a name for 47 year old men who haven't done sh*t with their lives:

LLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR!!! !!!!!!!!

He's obviously a moron. 47? Seriously? You can't be THAT lonely.
Get rid of him before he ACTUALLY starts calling you Mommie.

precious_daisy · 09-02-2009, 07:52 PM

I am not that lonely, I am happy being single and thats the key, I dont need anyone to bring me happiness, I already have that in myself. Having a partner to share your life with is a bonus but they have to possess the right qualities to suit each of us.
I am trying hard to give someone I love a chance to turn his life around, I know its a risk believe me and considering his age is doubtful so I am wondering where to draw that line and how to measure what he is trying to achieve.
Thanks