Major Relationship Issues
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General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

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Old 02-12-2008, 05:11 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Major Relationship Issues

I'm married to a wonderful person whom I love very much. However, I'm beginning to feel that this marriage is going to collapse if there is no action taken. Here are the issues I'm battling against....

Issue:

1. Husband Unable to Adjust to US Culture: My husband & I got married in our 30s. As of this date, we have been married for 4 years. Of those 4 years, we have been together for 3 years as it took him one year to come to the US from abroad, which I will call Country X. Even within the three years, we have lived together for 2 years as he lived in State XYZ in US due to job location. However, I have lived in State ABC during that time period. So as you can see we have lived only a few years.

My husband has lived for almost 30 years in Country X and plans on moving there soon as his future plans is to settle down there. Before we got married, I had agreed to his plans of settling down in Country X however, now I have financial comittment -- purchase of real estate property which is under my name & hefty loan. I have a good job and plan on staying in this job as long as it lasts. I see myself working for more years as long as my health is good.

However, my husband currently is not working and has gone back to Country X to be with his son (from previous marriage) & his family. He has told me many times that he wants to move back home eventually maybe in a few years. However, I'm currently opposed to this idea. He says that he is willing to give a try to get accustomed to the culture here but eventually he will be moving to Country X.

This time, I told him to stay in Country X and I will visit him with whatever little time I get from work. I think this is not a marriage at all -- my husband and I have totally different goals. I'm not sure if it is a good idea for him to come back here and then we get involved in the relationship and it's going to very hard for me to cope with him going away in the future. So I suggested that he see a marriage counselor and I see one here to come to some kind of resolution. I told him that I want him to be happy & he can only be the owner of his happiness so ...why not start now and start living in Country X. He is financially sound for living in Country X.

2. Children: I would like to have a child someday. However, my biological clock is ticking and I would like to have one soon. My husband and I clash once again as he doesn't want to have a child at this time. He very well knows that I will not be able to have a child down the line and yet he still doesn't want to have any. As you can see, we have quite different goals in life.

3. Declaration of Marriage: We got married in civil court in Country X. My family is aware of this marriage and from his family .. his older sister's family. He has an elder brother, son, and another sister -- they do not know that we are married. I'm always the one bringing this up and asked him repeatedly to declare the marriage. He said it's because of his son. I can understand if his son was 10 years old but he has just started n college. It does sound somewhat fishy - as I start having doubts eventhough he seems like a genuine guy. Why is he hiding the marriage from his own family? Maybe he doesn't love me enough?

So...these are the major issues I'm facing....at times I try not to think too much and lead my life the proper way....but at times I succumb to these issues and start thinking as to if my future holds with him. I truly love him and sometimes I feel if he is hiding anythinge else. I do not want to doubt him but these situations can arouse many thoughts in mind which I'm trying to find an answer for. At times I feel that staying away from each other will resolve issues & him staying in Country X so that he can be happy. For me, his happiness is my happiness. So...I feel that it's best for him stay in Country X and we remain friends.

Please help and provide sound advise as to what I should do. Any advice is helpful. Thanks a lot. Hope to hear from you all.

-K
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Old 02-12-2008, 05:29 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Major Relationship Issues

Wow- I am terribly sorry for you having to go through this...
I will give the best advice I can with what you gave us...

1) When I read about how you both agreed to living in Country X after you got married, and then you changed your mind my first thought was wow, how mean of you. But, I also know how things change. If you aren't able to leave your country due to things that are on your agenda, which sounds like you really have no choice, then I say. Stay. If he cannot get accustom to living anywhere other than Country X then there isn't anything you can do.

2) Did you talk to him about children? About you wanting them? Before or after you got married? He should respect this as I am guessing you do not have kids of your own. He is blessed with a son, and you are right your clock is ticking. This would be a make or break issue if I were in your shoes.

3) Him not telling his family about you being married? That would concern me. I would demand to know why. Especially since your family knows. I would honestly, re think this marriage. And that is my honest advice!


You said "So...I feel that it's best for him stay in Country X and we remain friends. "

You just gave yourself the best advice. It's up to you to make the final decision, but this honestly doesnt sound like a marriage to me.

Hugs and please PM me if you EVER need someone to talk to. And feel free to continue to come to this board!
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Old 02-12-2008, 05:41 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Major Relationship Issues

Thanks for your advice.

It is indeed a tough decision as I never thought I would be thinking of breaking with him. I really want to make this marriage work for the both of us. I wish I could make him happier by going to Country X but I cannot as I'm not mentally prepared.
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Old 02-12-2008, 09:23 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Major Relationship Issues

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahdale24 View Post
Wow- I am terribly sorry for you having to go through this...
I will give the best advice I can with what you gave us...

1) When I read about how you both agreed to living in Country X after you got married, and then you changed your mind my first thought was wow, how mean of you. But, I also know how things change. If you aren't able to leave your country due to things that are on your agenda, which sounds like you really have no choice, then I say. Stay. If he cannot get accustom to living anywhere other than Country X then there isn't anything you can do.

2) Did you talk to him about children? About you wanting them? Before or after you got married? He should respect this as I am guessing you do not have kids of your own. He is blessed with a son, and you are right your clock is ticking. This would be a make or break issue if I were in your shoes.

3) Him not telling his family about you being married? That would concern me. I would demand to know why. Especially since your family knows. I would honestly, re think this marriage. And that is my honest advice!


You said "So...I feel that it's best for him stay in Country X and we remain friends. "

You just gave yourself the best advice. It's up to you to make the final decision, but this honestly doesnt sound like a marriage to me.

Hugs and please PM me if you EVER need someone to talk to. And feel free to continue to come to this board!
I could not have said it any better.

draconis
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