Should I stay or go

GApeach · 02-13-2008, 05:17 AM

This girl I knew started working with my husband. Well, I was going through a rough patch with my hormones and would be up one minute, down the next. To make a long story short, I knewthis girl was easy even though she was married. I asked my husband to stay away from her. He agreed. I go up there one day at lunch to take him something and there he sits, right beside her and another lady. I kept my cool but asked him that night why was he telling me he was having no contact with her when he was. This continued for months. He even PROMISED he wasnt talking to her and after about 5-6 months, we were fighting about something and he said, oh yeah, by the way, I have been talking to her this whole time. She is my friend and you are not going to change that. The company folded a few months after that. Now, years later, he tells me that he could have had her if he had chose to pursue it. This really hurt me and troubled me that he would bring this up out of the blue. He told me that she was his "best" friend at work. I feel like he chose her over our relationship, because it was so important for him to be her friend when he knew I wanted him to stay away from her. He also told me that everyone thought they were having an affiar. I am torn. I love him and I know that my jealousy back then was a problem but he married me in SICKNESS OR IN HEALTH and I was having major female problems at that time. Anyway, I know I will probably get slammed that I shouldnt tell him who he can or cannot talk to but, I just feel like he totally overlooked my feelings and why tell me this other stuff now? You just would not believe how hurt and angry I was when he told me that she was his best friend. He tells me things and then when I ask him about it, he gets mad. When I asked him why? Why was her friendship so much more important to you than I was and what I was going through. He says I dont know. Any question I ever ask him that he knows the answer will probably piss me off, he doesnt know. That is his "Get out of jail free" card. He never knows why he does what he does. How could he not know why he chose her friendship over our marriage?

draconis · 02-13-2008, 09:14 AM

He didn't chose one over the other he had both. She was a friend from work, if however he chose not to come home and spend time with you so he could spend time with her then I would say he chose her over the relationship. If that were the case and he didn't break the wedding vows then I'd ask why he chose her, what was the relationship lacking. If he replaced parts of the relationship with her then that is a whole different story.

Telling him who he can be and can not be friends with is manipulative, controling and borderline abusive. Frankly, many people who are controlled as such act just that way to prove they are there own person.

draconis

GApeach · 02-13-2008, 09:22 AM

I understand your point of view and appreciate it, but I wasnt trying to be controlling in any way, I guess it appears that way, but I just knew her and what she was. Him being married would mean nothing to her and on top of that, I was going through a rough spot, having had uterine cancer and dealing with the fact that my emotions and hormones were on a roller coaster.

But I just talked to a friend who knows her who said she called her yesterday and was talking about how they were more than friends, that the reason he started getting to work early wasnt because of the overtime, as he had told me, it was so they could meet. Why are both of them bringing this stuff up now? Was there something going on and now it is again?

draconis · 02-13-2008, 11:18 AM

I would certianly look into it.

But remember if communication is the cornerstaone of a relationship, then trust is the second most important thing.

My wife has been in situations where I might trust her but not other people. However, It is still important that I trust her or what does that mean for the marriage?

draconis

Amplexor · 02-14-2008, 06:25 AM

GApeach

I read your post a couple of times and am a bit confused. It sounds like this happened some time ago. Has the friendship restarted? Are they still in contact? Or are you and your husband just in a rough spot now and he is using this baggage as a weapon? I’m a little unclear. Also, your post states he said she “was his best friend at work”. I don’t read that as an encroachment on your relationship. He was not stating that she was his best friend in life. But I agree the possibility is there that the relationship could be damaging to the marriage. It sounds to me like there are some other stresses in your relationship at this time and this old conflict is being brought back up as a result. My advice would be to discuss the current issues in the marriage and not reopen old wounds if they are not relevant to the current situation. Let sleeping dogs lay, water under the bridge… Pick your metaphor. Your post handle indicates you may be at a decision point already so maybe things are worse at home than you’ve fully explained. But if this is it, I’d say invest some time and effort in your marriage to see if things can work out. Draconis is right, communication and trust will be key for you. My wife and I have been working on fixing a pretty badly damaged marriage for nearly a year now. It’s been hard and we don’t know if we will succeed, but if we do it will all be worth it. If not, at least we gave it our best shot. I hope you have succeeded in your battle with cancer that must have been a horrible experience to work through. Take care and bless.

Liza · 02-14-2008, 02:45 PM

It's your final decisioon whether to stay or go, but make sure you do your part to building a healthy relationship, which means you have to find a wy to deal with being overly jealous.

sarahdale24 · 02-15-2008, 02:28 PM

I won't hound you for "controling him", I don't see that you did that so to speak. She basically was a woman any woman would want to keep their eye on when it came to your man. You emotional state, and health conditions didn't add to it. I am also a little confused. Is he throwing this up now? No matter what happened before, he shouldn't be using things like " well I could have had her if I wanted to". That's disrespectful, and mean, and makes him like a jerk. Its your decision.