General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I have been married 19 years and have two sons 14 and 11 years old. Last year after working 23 years at a very stressful job I had a burn out (very common in this field) and decided to go back to school at the age of 42 years old. My husband was very supportive of this, I supported him through many job losses he had throughout our marriage. At the time his income would support us well, then of course the recession hit and his hours were cut, but we managed last year using our savings. This year I was able to get student loans so hopefully it will not be that stressful financially this year.
My husband didn't have the greatest childhood his father died when he was 9 years old and afterwards his mother was on medication and basically he was forgotten. At 22 years old his Mom died in his arms of lung cancer. I don't know much more on the details because he doesn't like to talk about it.
My husband for years has done strange things some days I can handle it others it drives me crazy. He likes to hide in the basement and drink. He also likes to make huge messes and then spends weeks rearranging everything in the basement. He also throws pieces of garbage in the china cabinet. He also snores and is a sleep eater. He does many other strange behaviors I have never heard of other people doing. He often likes to make huge suppers but he will take hours and hours making, and when he is cooking he has the stereo blasting playing the same old music over and over again. Supper will be very late and he will be so drunk at supper time. During supper no one talks my kids and myself don't even want to look at him. Last night I confronted him and he went and hid away from me. Finally I got him to talk and he said he has been drinking since he was 16 years old, I told him to get help or our marriage is finished. He asked if I still love him, and I told him I don't know. The truth is I go between hoping he would just vanish to that things could be worse and think to myself suck it up. I told him I would call AA today but I think he needs some serious counseling. Any advise would be appreciated.
Ok - so you have an alcoholic for a husband who is probably fat. I agree, he needs some type of counseling and/or a different focus. I dont know why people hang on to baggage with a grip of vengance. His mother is long gone. He is a father, husband and provider. Find out what he wants. Does he think something is missing? Drinking since he was 16 sounds like an excuse to continue drinking. But trust me - if he does not want help - he won't get it.
If he doesn't try to help himself its doomed. As you are obviously not getting what you want out of the marriage and eventually you will have enough and leave. Let him know this is how you feel and if changes are not made soon that will be it.. Then at least he won't be blindsided when you leave as you prepared him and gave him a choice..
Yes you are right srena my husband is overweight. And I too can't understand having your past destroy your life.
After posting this I made some phone calls. Let me tell you calling for help on a Friday before a long weekend not the greatest idea.
First call was to AA a wonderful lady answered many of my questions and was going to have another lady from Alon give me a call. She also suggested therapy so I called our insurance lady and we are covered. I only found one physiologist that was open and we need a referral and it might take months to get an appointment, and of course our family doctor's office is closed. Then I got a call from a lady from Alon. I know this sounds horrible but I could tell instantly she really didn't want to talk to me, so I kept the conversation short. Now I wait for my husband's return from work, I bet you a million dollars he will have forgotten our whole conversation from last night.
If you can find him an intense outpatient program it would allow him to continue to have a relatively normal life (work, etc.) and get him the kind of help he requires.
When you were describing his odd behavior it was very clear it is an alcohol problem. He must have been very good at hiding it from you.
He thinks he is good at hiding it from me but this has been going on for a very long time. My parents never fought or if they did us kids didn't know it was going on. My husband and I are like that as well. Maybe that isn't such a good trait. Both of us have put up with a lot of crap with work etc can call us both big push overs . We discuss things that generally deal with the kids, his work and my school and that is the scope of our conversations.
I sure wish I had a therapist right now and an appointment set. Maybe AA meeting will help as long as he will go.
He not only has to go, he has to want to go and he has to believe he has a problem and that there is no other way. If he doesn't WANT to quit drinking, he won't. It'll just move further underground.
Sounds like he has a lot of stuff from the past that he hasn't felt comfortable examining. He really needs help there, too.
Try to remember that he's hurting. He doesn't sound like a bad guy, just a messed up guy.
Try to love him through this, but be firm. You can't let him off this hook now that you've told him it is a deal-breaker for you.
It has been two days of him being sober, yippee. Also more important is, it has been two days of him not hiding away from his family. The big test is to see after his shift if he will go to AA and stay sober when we are all at school that will be the biggest test of all.
How do I be supportive? Do I keep pointing out he is sober and it is good to see he isn't hiding away from us?
Try to be happy around him when he is "behaving." Don't go overboard with the comments, but say something like "I am glad that you are here or doing this with us."
Can't figure out what to do
