aurorazz

This sort of idea is going to cause conflict quickly. Everyday we make dozens of small interactions. They are not mean to be a statement on who's the cornerstone of the marriage. People should not escalate a minor situation into a who's more important decision.

Blanca

I think you are assuming this is a minor situation. You are very fixated on the idea that its 'just a seat' but the emotion behind the situation seems to allude you. his wife is very angry. i dont know if you've ever been very angry before, but if you have im sure you can appreciate that your feelings in that situation where important to you- regardless if they were important to anyone else. something that may piss you off might seem trivial to someone else, but that doesnt under value what you are feeling. so instead of valuing the cosmetics of the situation- the seating arrangement- try to value what the person is feeling.

If you can recognize that she is very angry, and that when you are angry its important to you, then you can value her anger as important. And since anger is just a facade for hurt, you can then go a step further and have empathy for her pain. so she has been angry for two days- that's a lot of hurt. Then you can talk to her with empathy for her pain.

Or, you can call the situation minor, tell her she's being ridiculous for getting upset over something that she should be ok with.

see which one gets you further.

__________________


"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie

aurorazz

Ridiculous is my first impression. But most people here are being patient and not dismissing her outright. The OP has made good faith effort to placate her. Even me as a third party observer is making an effort to find out the issue and resolve it. Still patience has a limit. Some posters suggest to buy her roses or even diamond ring. I think this is going too far to reward tantrum.

Why am I so 'fixated' on the seating issue? First of all we have to find out the social norm, the shared value among us. What will be the response had he written this to Miss Manner? Is she going to disappprove entirely? Or is she going to suggest a nicer way to make this proposal. Whether he has indeed violated a social norm certainly matters. I am baffled to find there seems to be very different expectation even among the posters here. If we don't find out a common ground and the argument will go nowhere.

No matter who's right or who's wrong, it is still important to value her feeling and to empathize with her. This is fair enough. But her feeling has to relate to the issue on hand. If she just blow the top off over a trivial stuff, then the anger is disproportional to the issue. It is not that people don't want to empathize with her. But it is so much more difficult to empathize with something irrational.

What if I turn switch the roles and create another situation?

Wife is busy cooking. She just realize she has forgotten to pick up her dry clean. She ask hubby if he can make a run before the shop close at 6. Hubby is doing tax for his small business. He is totally outrage at her to even ask him to stop doing tax to run errand instead. Wife was taken by surprise. I just thought he could pick it up before the shop close, she thought, if he is busy he could have just tell me. Besides it isn't even near the tax filing deadline. It is two months away. The things is the anger doesn't go away. He is still mad at her at the dinner table. He is mad at her all day and even continue on to the next day...

If you are the wife, how could you handle this situation?

dobo

We need to hear why he made the request before we can go on.

As a mom, if my son were really tall and it would be uncomfortable for him to ride in the back because our car were small, I would volunteer to ride in the back. Nobody would have to ask me. I'm a mom afterall.

So what's the reason he asked?

Tootsiepop

Blanca, I couldn't have said it better myself!

It's not litteraly the "sitting in the back seat", it's just the "hair that broke the camel's back" . Bet this lady feels like hubby treats her like a second class citizen-the whole attitude thing might need an overhaul as she is tired of being treated this way. Not just a simple sorry for this specific incident, but a show of appreciation and respect all the time!

Justawife

My Husband would NEVER ask something like that.... I come first always...Kids grow and start their own life...I am his life...
You did wrong...I agree...buy her a diamond...maybe a diamond Past , Present, and Future necklas...with the following card atached:

You my choice and always will be, today I messed up and left you down, I promise I will always respect you and keep you by my side...
You are my past, present and future...
I Love You

Doesn't that make more sense? After 30 years you both need to see each other for who you are...not just a piece of furniture....

carmaenforcer

I'm waiting for the answer to this before I can answer.

I'm a guy and have a little boy that at this point in our lives I love, more than I do my Wife, we're buds and she's a jerk.

Just in my opinion and trying to be fair to both sides.

If you wanted to offer your son the more comfortable chair?
I would say, the disrespect would be in the not offering your wife the drivers seat and you take the back.

If you just wanted to have your son next to you because you wanted to be able to talk to him on the trip back home or what ever?
Then the disrespect would be in the fact that she would probably liked to have her son next to her to talk to in the drive and to be fair, son should have gone in the back and socializing left for when you arrive at you destination.

Is your wife (possibly) over reacting?
That's a BIG 10-4 good buddy.
Unfortunately she does have a reason to "react". The issue itself in not so much "the issue" but in the handling of the circumstances.

She might have liked for you to ask her thoughts on the seating arrangement or explain your logic prior, instead of just asking her to sit in the back.

Harvard

Definitely disrespectful. If your WIFE wanted to sit in the back she would have offered. Now, to hold on to her anger for two days is messed up...there is more going on here or she is just the type to old on to her anger