My husband told me he's not happy- please help!
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Old 09-09-2009, 03:08 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My husband told me he's not happy- please help!

My husband of nearly 5 years told me last night that he is not happy and hasn't been for almost a year. The long and short of it is he says there isn't a way for hime to articulate his unhappiness. he thinks that while we always knew our personalities were different, it's just taken us the almost 7 years we've known each other to realize how different they really were. Looking back, I can say that things haven't been great, but I've not been unhappy recently. It's almost like we were living as roomates. I suggested couples counseling, he doesn't want to do that. I'm lost- I don't want my marriage to end, I truly love my husband and can't picture my life without him in it. Please help- has anybody gone through this and survived married?

Thank you in advance.
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Old 09-09-2009, 03:37 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband told me he's not happy- please help!

It's difficult to say what is going on with your husband based on what you have posted here. Your husband's response could mean a lot of things and it is very important that you get to the bottom of this. I'm not trying to sound condescending, honestly...it's just that I have been in almost the exact same situation as you...a little over a year ago. My original post would have sounded very similar to yours here.

From my perspective your husband saying that he is not happy could mean several things:

1. He has disconnected from your relationship and has "one foot out the door" so to speak.

2. He is trying to get your attention before he completely gives up.

3. He is having or considering having an affair. (probably hard to hear, I know)

In my case, it was #3 but it was because my husband had pretty much checked out of the marriage beforehand. By the time I got the "I'm not happy" speech... it was pretty much too late. I really hope this is not the case for you and your husband.

On a positive note, my husband and I were able to minimize the damage caused by his affair and have built a stronger, much better marriage as a result. So yes, a happy marriage can be the result but it takes two willing partners to make this work.

If you can post a little more information, we might be able to help you more.
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Old 09-09-2009, 04:18 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Thank you for your response.
I don't think he is or would have an affair. I think that he still wants to try to have a sucessful and happy marriage, but neither one of us is certain how to accompllish it. He doesn't like to share his feelings with me until he can't handle them anymore. He told me that at the point when he finally does tell me, he says he is never sure how I'll react. After he tells me, he says he ends up feeling guilty ( I'm a very easy crier) and then wishes he had kept his mouth shut. I do have depression, and have been this way since we met, so this is nothing he didn't know. He also expressed that he's been feeling very cynical and angry towards me for reasons he can't explain. For example- I am directionally challenged (driving directions). On a recent trip he got mad that I had us going in circles. When I told him that getting mad at me was not going to make me better at reading a map, he took the map and curtily showed me where we were, etc. He used that recent experience as an example of how his attitude toward me has changed. I just don't know what to do. He's right- personalities don't change, and I now realize that our relationship isn't where it was two years ago. I love him so much and am ready to fight (figuratively speaking) to make our marriage stronger from this experience.
Thanks again for any advice or suggestions.
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Old 09-09-2009, 05:19 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband told me he's not happy- please help!

Maybe as a cute gift, and show that there are no hard feelings...get him a GPS unit! Also, pick up the book Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands (for you only to read). He might be acting in a way the book describes and the book is also great at giving tips on how men think/act...I've made it a point to properly care and feed my husband!
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Old 09-09-2009, 07:47 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband told me he's not happy- please help!

What did you do two years ago that you don't do now?...These are the place in life that you must go back and find...When you forget the happiness of your yesterday's that brought you together, problems will set in...This is the secret of true love...Looking at the boy in the man in front of you and not letting boredom of life set in...I believe in each partnership that there has to be a dominant person who sees this happening and doesn't let it fester...Sure it takes two to tango, but one to lead the dance of life....
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Old 09-09-2009, 09:01 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband told me he's not happy- please help!

I had to chuckle at the map reading thing......sorry, but I am the same way and it took YEARS until my husband finally understood.

And we've been down that road before too, feeling like roommates, not happy, but not unhappy. It happens in a marriage, but if you don't change it, it can lead to the end of the marriage.

It is good he has expressed this to you. Now instead of fretting over what he said, start taking some action. Find some things you both can do together to rebuild your relationship. Change your routines so you are not in a rut.

Don't become overcome with emotion by what he said.....instead start doing something about it.

Nina
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Old 09-09-2009, 09:02 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband told me he's not happy- please help!

Yes and buy the GPS, one for each car! Why argue?
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Old 09-10-2009, 11:52 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband told me he's not happy- please help!

Thanks all for the great words of advice. We actually had a GPS unit with us, but it couldn't find a satellite signal. After that day I told him I wasn't going to go anywhere unless it was working!
I am going to check out a few books and I'm going to go to a therapist that specializes in relationships (hopefully my hubby will decide to come with me eventually).
I am trying to lead the way for us to correct this problem ad move on in a happier marriage, but I am not used to having to lead (and can't read a map well enough to get there on my own, lol).
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Old 09-10-2009, 02:41 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband told me he's not happy- please help!

The other problem I'm currently having is trying to get my husband to explore what exactly is making him unhappy. I asked him to try to write things down or email them to me when they come to mind so that we can work on them. He replied that he told me all of that when he told me he was unhappy in the first place. I was listening to him then, but I was also in a little bit of shock, and can't remember everything he said. any suggestions on how to oppen him up to actively working out why he is unhappy?
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Old 09-10-2009, 04:12 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband told me he's not happy- please help!

Are there things that your H enjoys that you could also participate in? Maybe have him show you how to read a map, so it appears you are taking an interest in something he knows, and then offer him some "favors" in return?
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Old 09-10-2009, 07:36 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband told me he's not happy- please help!

He told me during the "talk" that he is afraid to introduce anything new or spontaneous into our reltionship because he can't know how I will react. I might get angry or resent him for offering advice or being better at something than I am. I tried to tell him that he can't assume things like that, and to call me out when my reactio is unwarrented, but he shuts down and then feels guilty for bringing it up to begin with.
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Old 09-10-2009, 07:38 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband told me he's not happy- please help!

He has also said that he doesn't want to ruin happy memories of things we have done together in the past by trying to do them together now.
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Old 09-10-2009, 08:26 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband told me he's not happy- please help!

Your issue has a lot of components to it, unfortunately not easy ones.

Let me try to address the first one, your depression, I have many friends with clinical depression and they are all on anti-depressants, not a fan of meds, but they seem to work for them. Your husbands unhappiness, When someone is unhappy we all know that it is up to that person to figure it out, and really there is nothing we can do except offer support. Does your husband have a good relationship with his parents?

If not, the quickest way to change your life is to forgive that parent, because you are half your mom and half your dad, the parent you are angry at is the part of you that you loath as well. I know this sounds so matter of fact, but it is a huge weight off if you can do it. Lastly, your marriage, you love him. I am not here to necessarily promote our book, but we did write a book The Marriage Manual available at http://www.themarriagemanual.com and the part for you is all about how to talk to your husband so he will WANT to talk to you.

It is a short read and you can find out if you are doing everything right, and if you are, then you will just have to ride it out! Hope this helps and good luck to you!

Last edited by TheMarriageManual; 10-04-2009 at 04:56 PM.
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Old 09-10-2009, 09:04 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband told me he's not happy- please help!

Thank you- I will definitely check out the marriage manual. My husband has a good relationship with his parents, and I have said in the past that I love them as if they were my own ( they treat me like a true daughter). I think he might just be scared that our marriage is failing. I am glad ge told me now, as opposed to when it might have been too late. I think the rest of the week will be a indicator of how we can overcome this obstacle.

Thanks again for all the help. I'm becoming a big fan of this website and the forum it offers.
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Old 09-22-2009, 05:31 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband told me he's not happy- please help!

So- an update, because I don't don't know what else to do!

My husband has told me that in addition to not being happy anymore, he is "emotionally involved" with another woman. I know who the woman is and considered her a friend. (BTW- my husband is technically this woman's boss, they work together) He says he feels a connection to her that he has never felt before and can read her emotionally, and he can't do that to me. This woman feels the same towards my hubby and is divorcing her husband (I just found this out). He spoke of several events in our lives where I may not have been happy, or had sacrificed my happiness for his (In my opinion, anyway). I think he basically is trying to get me to be the bad guy. I told him that until he is happy with himself, we can't determine how our marriage will be affected. I am trying to get him to talk to somebody, on his own, as I am. If we are both happy with ourselves an our marriage is still not working, that's the time to look at the next steps.
He is now sleeping in another bedroom, and got mad when I didn't want to continue discussing things for a while ( I tried to tell him that I needed some time to process things).

any advice, opinions? how do I get him to seek help for himself? Is my marriage really over? I don't want it to be...
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