Am I Crazy?

pinkpolkadots · 09-10-2009, 12:48 PM

I am new here and desparate for some advice.

My H has a close female friend (one of his "best friends") that he has been friends with for over 10 years. When I first met her, she was nice and I liked her. But after a while, I started to get the feeling that something had gone on, or that something had happened between them at one point. You know how you can just tell? They would tickle each other and wrestle and she would jump on his back for piggy back and massage his shoulders right in front of me and her own husband! I felt uncomfortable because I felt that she was not respecting me or our relationship! I dont care how long they have been friends or if he says that they have a brother/sister relationship. There should be boundaries and respect! Mind you she is 14 years older than me! Anyway, I told my husband that this made me uncomfortable and instead of him telling her that he thought it was disrespectful and that they should respect the boundaries and all that, he told her in an email that I was jealous of his friendship with her and that if he acted differently around her, it was because of me. BIG MISTAKE. I saw the email and blew up obviously because that is not what I had said. I had asked him several times before, did anything ever happen between you guys? and he said no every time. This time though, God only knows how he saw me, that I got the truth out of him, and just as I suspected, they had gotten drunk and ended up sleeping together apparently more than 10 years ago. We tried to talk about it over the phone after it happened and she said I was immature and that it was none of my business what had happened. I told her that the fact is, i suspected something and they had lied to me and yes, anything that had to do with my husband was my business. When she would come down to visit friends, she would stay at our place! Now that I think about it, i want to throw up. I dont want to have anything to do with her and I want him to cut all communication off, but he keeps saying that he cant believe I would put him in that position. It has affected me DEEPLY and it has caused a lot of problems in our marriage. I know myself and the best thing for me and for us in my opinion is to cut her out completely, but it seems like he doesnt want to let her go! I dont know what to do. Am I crazy for feeling resentment towards her and just not being able to accept this situation? I know it happened a long time ago, but the thought of it, and the thought of her attitude, along with him not wanting to give her up are just killing me.

dobo · 09-10-2009, 01:09 PM

I don't think you're crazy. She hasn't behaved properly toward you or her own husband. And I suspect he feels the same way you feel.

It isn't right that your husband chooses this woman's feelings over the feelings of his wife.

TheMarriageManual · 09-10-2009, 09:07 PM

Its funny, but when I was single I had a lot of guy friends, most of them I had slept with and remained friendly with, even today. when they got girlfriends or married, the touching and playfulness abruptly ended. I missed that attention from them, but for them it was like it never happened! If my husband carried on like that, I would not like it much either. Is your husband getting what he needs at home?

Blanca · 09-10-2009, 10:55 PM

the way your H has acted in all this is the cause of this blow-out. that was really immature of him to write that email to her. but if he did that it also says he hasnt been that happy in the relationship. he wouldnt talk about you that way if he was. i think he's having an emotional affair with her. and i dont think he's been very happy at home- maybe for awhile.

pinkpolkadots · 09-11-2009, 12:40 PM

He says he's happy in this relationship but he said he'd be happier if this issue could be resolved. He says he just wants everyone to get a long...but do you really think I can try to be her friend? I dont want to. And sex-wise, we are fine, we do it often and he enjoys it. I know i am not perfect, and i can be insecure, and drive him crazy Im sure, but I try my best. I just cant understand this unwillingness to let go, even for our marriage.

dobo · 09-11-2009, 12:59 PM

Are they in any way going to tone down their completely disrespectful behavior? That's not negotiable.

Does he understand how his behavior (afterall, he's only responsible for his own behavior) and his failure to create clear boundaries with this "woman" caused this situation? Does he understand that if they had behaved like married people instead of bratty children that this situation would have never reached this point? He behaved badly. And now it is somehow your fault? I think not.