My husband is a liar. He lies about stupid things that most people don't lie about.
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Old 02-18-2008, 01:39 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My husband is a liar. He lies about stupid things that most people don't lie about.

My husband is a compulsive liar. He lies repeatedly about everything. He will look me straight in the eyes and apologize and then lie again about something stupid. I am so sick of being lied to. He lies about going to the bar with his friends; he lies about drinking in the garage, in the basement and behind the house. He lies about who he is with when he doesn’t come home after work. He lies about how much money he takes out of the bank even though he knows I check on our bank accounts on line almost daily. He lies about being the person who left a mess and blames my daughter. I am so sick and tired of being with someone that I cannot trust. He lies about being at the supermarket when he is at the bar.

Just this last Saturday, I informed him that I knew he was lying to me the day prior about being at the supermarket when he was at the bar. I told him that I cannot understand why he would lie about stopping for a drink with his friend. He apologized and once again promised to stop lying to me. I found out today that he lied about how much money he withdrew at the ATM at the casino. He said he withdrew $150 but he withdrew $200. Why would someone lie about $50? I cannot believe a word that comes out of this mans mouth. I told him that he has a serious problem and that I am fed up with his deception. I told him that he either gets into counseling or I am done with this marriage. After 13 years, I am done. One more lie and it will be totally over. Lying to your spouse is so juvenile. I could understand a lie if he was having an affair, but he isn’t. He lies just to lie.

Does anyone have any advice? I wish I could hurt him like he has hurt me but I am just not a liar. Help!!

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Old 02-18-2008, 06:37 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is a liar. He lies about stupid things that most people don't lie abou

***hugs*** I am so sorry you are going through this. What has he said about seeing someone that could help? Try that and then leave. You don't deserve to be treated with so much disrespect.
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Old 02-18-2008, 06:51 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is a liar. He lies about stupid things that most people don't lie abou

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Originally Posted by Goodkatt View Post
My husband is a compulsive liar. He lies repeatedly about everything. He will look me straight in the eyes and apologize and then lie again about something stupid. I am so sick of being lied to. He lies about going to the bar with his friends; he lies about drinking in the garage, in the basement and behind the house. He lies about who he is with when he doesn’t come home after work. He lies about how much money he takes out of the bank even though he knows I check on our bank accounts on line almost daily. He lies about being the person who left a mess and blames my daughter. I am so sick and tired of being with someone that I cannot trust. He lies about being at the supermarket when he is at the bar.

Just this last Saturday, I informed him that I knew he was lying to me the day prior about being at the supermarket when he was at the bar. I told him that I cannot understand why he would lie about stopping for a drink with his friend. He apologized and once again promised to stop lying to me. I found out today that he lied about how much money he withdrew at the ATM at the casino. He said he withdrew $150 but he withdrew $200. Why would someone lie about $50? I cannot believe a word that comes out of this mans mouth. I told him that he has a serious problem and that I am fed up with his deception. I told him that he either gets into counseling or I am done with this marriage. After 13 years, I am done. One more lie and it will be totally over. Lying to your spouse is so juvenile. I could understand a lie if he was having an affair, but he isn’t. He lies just to lie.

Does anyone have any advice? I wish I could hurt him like he has hurt me but I am just not a liar. Help!!
I think you are doing the right thing but you have overlooked something. Most of the time the lies have to do with his drinking. It sounds like this is his problem and maybe AA will help. People that drink often are completely different.

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Old 02-18-2008, 07:42 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is a liar. He lies about stupid things that most people don't lie abou

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I think you are doing the right thing but you have overlooked something. Most of the time the lies have to do with his drinking. It sounds like this is his problem and maybe AA will help. People that drink often are completely different.

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I second Daraconis' statement. Only an alcoholic would lie like that! AA definitely helps with that stuff; I'm living proof. I'm a recovering alcoholic / addict that's been sober 8 years. I used to have to lie like that to cover my addictions...it's not easy either, having to come up with BS all the time! Being clean and sober is a much easier way of life. I don't have anything to lie about anymore. But I had to get a sponsor, go to meetings, and do "stepwork." It took time for things to get much better, but they certainly did.

The problem is, you can't force him into AA even if he is an alcoholic. But since he has a lot of those behaviors you might want to consider Al-Anon. Al-Anon is the other side of AA, support and help for families of those dealing with alcaholism / addicton. They teach you how to set healthy boundaries with the person who has the problem, they provide support, and they help you learn how to help your partner in ways that aren't "enabling" (contributing to the problem). IMHO Al-anon is good for people regardless of whether or not their partner is an alcoholic.
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Old 02-18-2008, 09:01 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is a liar. He lies about stupid things that most people don't lie abou

Thank you for your support. It means more to me then what I can express. It is comforting hearing that others see this behavior as a “true” violation. It is amazing how he distorts the reality and seriousness of deception. I was looking for a marriage counselor that could handle alcoholism when I found this site. I have to confess that it has shocked me that I am married to someone that behaves without integrity and to someone that is disrespectful to me, to himself and to our marriage. My father always respected the family above everything and it blows my mind that I am married to someone that doesn’t. I ask myself often “how did this happen to me”? I will find counseling for him and marriage counseling for us. What a shame this is. I have been planning and saving for retirement and now I most likely will be planning a divorce if he doesn’t turn this around quickly. My heart is broken because I don’t want to be alone and I want a healthy relationship. I refuse to put my head in the sand for another day. Thank you very much for your support.
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Old 02-19-2008, 02:13 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is a liar. He lies about stupid things that most people don't lie abou

Seems like he has a drinking problem, and he lies constantly so he can cover also his problem. That's probably why he lies about everything. I would recomend AA for him, and AlAnon for you. They might help you deal with this, give you some pointers. And I think it is time you proceed and plan more for yourself. You don't deserve someone like that.
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Old 02-19-2008, 04:16 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is a liar. He lies about stupid things that most people don't lie abou

Goodkatt, is this something that has always been a problem? I'm no expert on addictions, but was there some problem/trauma that set him on the road to excessive drinking? Perhaps finding out what that is, and tackling it, might be a good place to start. It may be something he has been keeping from you, and is manifesting itself in the drinking and lying to cover his tracks.

13 years is a long time to be together, and you can't let him throw it all away without a fight.
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Old 02-19-2008, 06:17 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is a liar. He lies about stupid things that most people don't lie abou

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13 years is a long time to be together, and you can't let him throw it all away without a fight.
Remember that many people have already given there all to situations until they broke themselves. It sounds like by the posts that she has tried many roads and yet has a few more to try before throwing in the towel.

Goodkatt ~ The real problem is most alcoholics take a year or more to get to the lower part of normal. You will have to decide what improvements are worth hanging around for. I wish you the best of luck.

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Old 02-19-2008, 11:01 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is a liar. He lies about stupid things that most people don't lie abou

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Goodkatt ~ The real problem is most alcoholics take a year or more to get to the lower part of normal. You will have to decide what improvements are worth hanging around for.
I have to agree, and that's only if they are active in recovery. Many don't stay sober the first time and relapse. That's another reason Al-anon can be such a big help.
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Old 02-19-2008, 11:07 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is a liar. He lies about stupid things that most people don't lie abou

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I have to agree, and that's only if they are active in recovery. Many don't stay sober the first time and relapse. That's another reason Al-anon can be such a big help.
yeah, it took my ex awhile to get his act together. luckily he has been clean and sober for over 2 yrs. im keeping my fingers crossed for him. i hope it sticks this time.
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Old 02-20-2008, 03:53 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is a liar. He lies about stupid things that most people don't lie abou

Everyone here is talking about alcoholism .. although he is probably an alcoholic his drinking is something you know about and I don't think he would be stupid enough to lie about it. (but then again I have a brother-in-Law who is an alcoholic and lies about everything - but he has always been that way - sober or straight).

I have an ex-wife that was doing the exact same thing and it took me nearly a years to figure out she was doing crack cocaine. Crack/and other drug users have a very distorted version of reality .. they think/or don't care if people can see the obvious. They will lie about everything to everyone (including themselves).
They truly believe what they are saying.

Is the lying something that started in the past couple years or has he always been this way?

No matter what the addiction, your husband needs help. If he refuses then you need to use "Tough Love" ... kick him out.
If this does not change him, or he does not want to get help .. you are better off.

This may sound cruel but I have been through this and you and your daughter will be much better off in the long run.
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Old 02-20-2008, 05:33 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is a liar. He lies about stupid things that most people don't lie abou

Draconis, I do agree with you, that there has to be a point where you draw the line and say. Right, not doing this any more, I'm off.

I just get the impression that goodkatt is not yet ready to take that step, as she says she is going to try counselling. If she wants it to work, she must be totally committed to fighting for it, otherwise she will just be in for more heartache.
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