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When should we get married?

3K views 46 replies 23 participants last post by  Malcolm38 
#1 ·
I told my boyfriend that we can't get married until after college so that we can go on a honeymoon & have kids, but he doesn't want to wait that long & I really want to marry him now. (I'm 18 & he's 27). I really love him and I don't want to wait 4 years to marry him, but it would be hard to be married and still go to college. Also, once we get married and have kids, it would make it hard to work in the government, which is what I want to do, and sing. So.... the problem is, should we get married now, sometime during college, or after college? Maybe we could get married after my sophomore year and then wait to have kids until after graduation (or at least try, we can't control God's plans).
 
#5 ·
And you are looking to get married that quickly?

Sorry, but you barely know each other. Slow down and get to know each other. I'd say to date, at the absolute very least, a year before even getting engaged, so you know exactly who you are with. Right now you are in the "honeymoon phase" of the relationship, so give it some time. Good things come to those who wait.
 
#6 · (Edited)
Go to college and finish up. Are you going away for college? That's a whole other dynamic that might change the way this story unfolds.

Disclosure: You could easily say to me, pot, meet kettle. I got married rather young too, but I didn't go to college. Really regret it now, but I don't regret my marriage at all. But as a young bride I didn't have the stress of being a wife and a college student.

Go to college. Seriously.

ETA: I see you only been together for 6 months? Don't even get engaged. Concentrate on your studies and see how things unfold. The worse thing that can happen is being a divorced woman before you reach 30.

Wait and go to college.
 
#9 ·
That is a good distance apart. You would only see him on weekends. And you might even want to become part of the weekend scene at college without him -- especially football games in the fall, Does you school have a good team? I think VA Tech is in Blacksburg, and UVA in Charlottesville; I can't think of a good college football team anywhere else in VA.
 
#15 ·
While it is possible to finish school when married, or to work in government & sing as a parent, it is VERY premature for you two to marry now, in my opinion. I would have a different opinion if you were 40 years old, but at your age, you haven't experienced married life and all the limitations and sacrifices it requires. Plus, you don't know that he won't change on you. For the first year, maybe even a year and a half, we cannot get an accurate idea of how our lives will be with someone we've recently begun to date because of the way our brain chemistry works.

You plan to be together forever. Let the next year or two prove to both of you how well you work together to overcome problems and to postpone what's "right now" for "what's best."
 
#19 ·
I have no issues with age gap relationships or marrying somewhat young, but you barely even know your boyfriend. You absolutely need to give it time to see if you even connect with this guy and if he shares the same values/goals in life(very important). That takes time to figure out, much longer than a short 6 months. Also, college is a lot different than high school, so try to enjoy that time. Meet new people, join clubs, and get involved. I was apart of 3 different clubs in college and loved it all. I even met my husband at one of those clubs we were both involved in.

I met my husband at 19(right before sophomore year) and we dated for 3 years before getting married. I got married last year, graduated today with my degree, and we're expecting our first child this July. It's been a whirl wind, but exciting. I'm glad I never rushed into marriage, as we dated and slowly got to know each other. I'd be wary of a man who wanted to rush into marriage(red flag). Have fun and enjoy college. If the relationship is meant to last, then it will, otherwise, you'll be glad you avoided making the mistake of marrying someone too soon.
 
#20 ·
I urge you to wait till you're at least 25. Children and marriage add a lot more responsibility than you can imagine at this point. If you're only personal goal in life is to get married and have kids I wouldn't ask you to wait. But if you want to finish up college and have a solid career then hold off on marriage. One advice I've given my kids including my daughter who's nearly 20 is to set both career and personal goals and achieve at least one one of them, either on the career front or on the personal front, before shifting your priority to relationships.
 
#21 ·
Finish college before you get married.

At the very least a couple should date at least one year before becoming engaged. Then be engaged for a year before getting married.

It takes at least 18 months to get to know that a person is right for you. The reason is that for the first 12-18 months that you are 'in love' the couple's brain is producing huge amounts of dopamine.. a feel-good brain chemical that makes us crazy in-love. Once that period is over, the production of dopamine goes ot a more normal level. If you are still wild about him after that period of time and he proves to be everything you want, then you know it's really love with someone who is worth your time.
 
#22 ·
Whatever you decide...don't put yourself in the position of lifelong regret. Has your fiancee discussed his intentions if you decide to wait...or has he put out there that he would not wait for you? Cos if you get married solely to ease the pressure he is putting on you and that you are afraid of losing him...down the road, you may very well be holding a lot of resentment against him that your were "forced" to marry so soon and delay or indefinitely put off your college goals. I would hope that he would be willing to compromise...but maybe he is wanting to get it in the bag so he won't lose you when you do go to college...for fear of you growing apart as you discover college life. 18 is kinda the age of discovery...where most gals are ready to get out there and live it up. Self-honesty for you I think will be the best policy...and don't be afraid of telling him how you feel.
 
#24 ·
If it's right now it will be right in 2 years. Give it at least that long before you commit. And I say that as someone who married her high school boyfriend - not til we were 30 though.

If your relationship can't withstand the relatively small challenge of living some distance apart while you study it has no chance of surviving the real difficulties that come with marriage and children. Think of it as a test.
 
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