He called me while I was finishing up the letter. I answered the phone and says "Hey Baby!" Very up beat, sweet. Dobo, part of me just wants to let this go. Do you really think that if he was hiding something he could be so nice towards me? The usual behavior is withdrawing like he did earlier in the year. I'm not sure.
I still suspect that whatever it is is over. And that's good.
But look, even if everything is over, you've got these signs screaming to be explained. Now maybe over time there will be fewer of them and things will settle down. But maybe you'll experience a bit of PTSD because of what you've already experienced.
At the *very* least, I think you should go into therapy on your own at first. I always say that and I'm a broken record about it but I think it helps to figure things out about what you really want before inviting someone else in. And then I'd suggest asking your husband to join you with this person. Now, he may feel uncomfortable because you've had this person with you all this time and he has no idea what he's walking into. If that's the case, ask your T for a referal and start fresh with someone as a couple. Your T can brief your new person so you aren't starting from scratch once you give the go-ahead. But your husband needs to feel comfortable, too.
I think the problem with letting this go is that the foundation has been cracked and trust undermined. If you don't address it, will it fester? Or will you be able to truly not let it color the future? I don't know that answer and this is something you need to really think about. Nothing would drive a guy crazier than you saying 2 years down the line that you never got over this and then dragging him into therapy. For him it will be a distant memory. And for you it could be as real as the day you first felt something was wrong. I just don't know.
How have you been in the past with letting things go? I know this is a lot different than most things you have probably encountered in the past, but maybe you have some self-knowledge that can guide you through this...
That is funny about being at work because I am at work too! LOL
I am glad you are sorting through some things in your head and have some plans. The only thing with writing down your thoughts and giving them to him is that he might get defensive. I did the letter thing and my husband didn't think my "key" points and what "I" thought were really anything. He thought I was overthinking and seeing more into the ordeal than what was there. It helped me though by writing my thoughts down. I also kept a journal of my thoughts. Mostly venting on paper.
I hope it all goes well for you. It is harder for women, I think, because they are more emotional and need to talk about it where men are more quiet and think things are going well. We'll have an argument and the next day I am still steaming and hubby has forgotten all about it. Men and women are very different in that aspect.
Let me know how it goes...
No Dobo, your not. Because I do the same thing. My husband is the one who wakes up the next day like nothing happened, I'm usually the one who keeps thinking about things. So, I do have a hard time letting go. I guess that's why I'm in the predicament I'm in.
Peanut - My husband would get defensive regardless. He thinks a dead issue. I told him the other day that still have this stuff on my mind and jokingly called me an idiot and rolled over. Again, that's his personality.
Dobo - You said a few times that whatever it is you think it's over and I feel so much better when I read those words. I pray to God it is. Again, if it was every anything to begin with. And I am going to therapist on my own. If he offers to come, which he might, I'll take him up on it. My thing is too, if there's something that I can do better or work on, I need to know. It's a two way street and no one is perfect.
I'm sorry to say this, but I don't work. That's why I'm here in the first place. I alway delete my browsing history in case hubs gets on the computer. Which is rare, but you never know.
It is OK that you don't work. I took time off with the kids for a while. The mom-thing is effort. I was happy to return, when I finally returned to work.
If you don't let go well, you're going to have to get this out into the open. I can't think of any other way. For me, holding things in makes them worse because then I POP.
Glad to hear about therapy on your own. I hope you find someone who is really good and intelligent. And I hope you're not spending too much time trying to figure out what you did to drive him in this direction. It is usually a lot more about them than you. Someone pays them attention and it is new and it feels good. Next thing you know you're in over your head.
My husband would hold me if I told him something like that and he wouldn't roll over. Then again, he always tells me he's not ignoring me when he rolls over so he's just that kind of guy.
No not really. My dd is more of a challenge than my son is. My son keeps me on my toes, be he is the funniest kid you'll ever meet! He has his father's sense of humor, normally my husband has me laughing non stop.
My dd has an attitude the size of my house. Over what I still haven't figured out. I guess that's another forum! LOL!
They're good kids though, I'm very lucky. Ages and stages, that's all it is.
I think the 13 YO is going through "the change". ;-) My 14 YO was like that until quite recently when we took some steps to crack her upside the head (sent her to military camp). Yup. She loved it! (Who knew?!) Came back stronger and more self-confident and has turned her 'tude around.
My 8 YO is funny, too. I think that's the role of the 2nd child. (Or youngest)
For me the challenge is that they are at two different stages to keeping everyone happy is sometimes rough. It is harder when all the kids are together since the little one is odd chick out. That said, they get along amazingly well and have a lot of fun together 98% of the time.
Yeah. She still dresses funny <g> but she learned a lot about herself and getting away from me probably didn't hurt her, either.
The decision really wasn't too difficult to make. She was accepting of the idea. It was expensive but it turned out to be a good decision. She has stayed in touch with a lot of the kids from camp and has made a fresh start in 10th grade. Night and Day!
Just catching up after getting in from work, and I saw this:
Do you really think that if he was hiding something he could be so nice towards me? The usual behavior is withdrawing like he did earlier in the year. I'm not sure.
YES! Cheaters compartmentalize very well. My husband did it for 7 years and continued to do it when we were trying to reconcile. They become better and better at it. I went through everything you are going through back in 2002 and eventually his ability to compartmentalize led me into believing that everything was alright. I lost 6 more years of my life.
At the very least, the two of you have a communication problem and could benefit from some therapy.
I think I may be getting into this discussion late, but this stuck me from your original post...
"Even my son has said a couple times, “I bet daddy has a girlfriend and he’s cheating on you.” That’s nice coming from my 8 year old son."
Isn't that the ultimate red flag? If your 8 year old senses something that you are already suspicious, it is probably true. But more than anything else, I would think that you should put him a position to fess up immediately, or convince you and your son that he is telling the truth.
I'm going to be a good kid today (or I'm going to *try*) and get some serious work done today so I may be scarce. And if I'm not, beat me up! However, I want you to know I'm thinking about you and your husband and I don't do this much, but I'm praying for you (and for Corpus and her husband). I don't know if it helps but it doesn't hurt.
For folks that are coming in late, I don't want you to not voice your opinions but I'd like to ask that you think about where the couple is now, and answer based on the more recent information. We need to help them as much as possible and not throw fuel on the fire. Things appear to be getting better.
I have a gut feeling about this man and I will tell you now that I'm a sucker at times, but I really believe whatever happened is over. I don't think he's suckering her. He went away and now he's back.
I don't think I know his age, but let's say he is pushing forty or is in his forties... A *lot* of people, not just men, go through a period where they want to know if they've still got it and they fall easily into accepting admiration of someone else. And even if they don't do anything physical, they do become aware that they're not looking their best and they do make changes in that area. They realize they *want* to be found attractive to the opposite sex. At this time, they may also reevaluate where they are in their relationship and not know what they want. Everything says he cheated, but there is still a chance that he did all the prep work but didn't go there. We just don't know.
What I hope is that he tells her about his uncertainty and his doubts. They were obviously there. And they happen to a lot of people. It doesn't reflect on her. They are about him.
Anyway, let's hold this couple up and give them our positive energy.