Ok...this is my first post and I may get a little wordy, but please bare with me.
My husband and I have been together for 22 years this November and married for 14 years and we have two kids. Up until the end of last year, he was always touching me and kissing me and always wanted me and would always say "I can't believe after all these years, I still can't keep my hands off you!" Now, my problem is that there have been a lot of uneasy signs that he's seeing someone from work. He works ALOT of hours. And honestly if I call him at work he will answer unless in a meeting.
The reasons for my suspicions are as follows: At the beginning of the year, he suddenly changed. No longer wanted to talk to me, no longer wanted to have sex with me, no longer wanted to touch me in any way shape or form, no longer wanted to hold my hand, no longer held me at night. And always claimed he didnít know what was wrong! Then we went to an amusement park (he got tickets from work). Met up with this woman and her family from work (but the kids went off on their own). Suddenly, he was wanting me to take my son on a ride, which would have left them alone. I told him "that's okay", and irritated he said just go take him on the ride over there and I said with a firmness in my voice and glancing at her "THAT'S OKAY". That day, I tried to hold his hand a few times and he would pull away and put his had in his pocket. The last time attempted to hold his hand I actually caught him turning his head and rolled his eyes. I said you know what forget it! AND HE GOT MAD AT ME!!!! Pushing my daughter to be friends with her daughter after that day (She has enough friends - even my dd was like, what??). Getting mad at me when the other day I was going with him to his office and he got mad and told me to stay outside to look at flowers. When he was coming out and saw us (me and my son) in the truck he said I just tried calling you and I said no you didnít my phone didnít ring, he said Oh, I called the house by mistake. No he didn't, I checked the caller ID when we got home, he didnít call. I said to him one day that I felt like he was having his cake and eating it too and his reply was, ďbut I like cakeĒ. A friend of his (male) needed my husband to book a room for him because he didnít have a credit card. I think I believe him on that one because I know he's got alot of financfial problems, but still not sure. And my personal favorite! Taking his blackberry as a joke and he got mad at me and when I read the first e-mail, it was from of course, the co worker from the park. And it said ďI always enjoy it, but today was different.Ē! Now you need to know that this particular day, was a scheduled day off and he had to go in for coverage for the first couple of hours (he left by 3:30 am and was home by 6:30 - earlier than expected). I even set my alarm for 6:30 so I could call him at work to see if was there, but he was already home. Now if he did go to the work, his trip is an hour each way. His explanation about the e-mail was some @#$%^ about some computer reconstruction that never goes right! Is he kidding?? Even my bf thinks heís cheating on me. On that day, I broke down in the driveway, I was shaking terribly and SUDDENLY he began to care. ďOh honey, no! Stop it, itís all fine, thereís nothing going onĒ so "sincere" as he cupped my face in his hands and looking me dead in the eyes. We have been together 22 years, that is the first time heís ever done that, trying to be so ďsincereĒ. I know itís bologna, because all he showed me was that he was trying too hard. Needless to say about a minute later, he was keeled over in the driveway, feeling the need to throw up. Guilt??
Then another fave of mine is, he needed to get a prescription of Viagra because of his difficulties and we had sex this one night and it was the best sex we'd had in almost a year. But I didn't think anything of it until the next morning. So I remembered the Viagra and started searching. Nothing in the medicine cabinet. So I went through his laptop case and BINGO! I found the Viagra sample pack and also found that there were 2 missing (really 3, because he took one the night before). When I asked him if he took anything the night before he said no and I looked at him, blood boiling and said seriously?? And then he said no, I took one. My reply was I know and where did the other 2 go!! He said the Dr. told him to try them first, it may not work the first or second time and he went to great lengths to prove that to me. Went on line and found the info and showed it to me. I kind of believe him on that one, but I still have my suspicions. And no, he didn't get mad at me for going through his things. He says he didn't tell me because I was nervous about him taking them with the side effects and all that he didn't want me to worry. And he doesnít see anything wrong with any of this. He thinks itís all normal. NOT NORMAL! And on top of all of this, heís helping her with her drug addict son! And mother of the year goes to...! A little too personally involved if you ask me. When I have an issue or a problem, in true dh tradition, he turns the situation back on me to make me feel itís my fault in the first place. With some of these things that I just mentioned he understood why my mind went where it did and said "I would feel the same exact way", but now that this all still bothering me, he's getting madder and madder. Am I blowing things out of proportion and being too paranoid, or is there any truth to what my gut is telling me? But I just can't let this go. My gut is telling me something is going on and the worst part about all of this is, I canít prove a thing. I donít have access to his computer nor his blackberry (they are company issued). And he knows I wonít drive the distance to his job. Itís the easiest thing for him and he knows it. I told him last week that I loved him more now than I did when we got married and I asked him if he loved me more now than he did then and his answer was no, I love you the same. After I took care of him the way I did when he had his two back surgeries and just the way I take care of him daily, you would think that would be the clincher. If he up to something, he will never admit it, so do I continue to be the sucker?? Without concrete proof, what else do I have?? Besides a husband who's having his cake and eating it too.
Even my son has said a couple times, ďI bet daddy has a girlfriend and heís cheating on you.Ē Thatís nice coming from my 8 year old son.
All of the ways Iíd be able to catch him IF he is doing something are not accessible to me. I donít know what else to do! I feel so trapped. So lost. So confused! And certainly so hurt! All I want is my marriage back. Do I just get used it? Do I try to make him fall in love with me again?
I'm so sorry this is so long, but I really need help. He keeps saying things are fine and that's there's no problem. Do I just go on pretending that things are "fine"? I'm a good wife (not suggesting that I'm perfect, far from) but Iím kind, Iím attentive, Iím caring, Iím loving. Maybe Iím too much of these things, overkillÖI donít know any other way to be. Am I pushing him away?
Funny, while I was typing this, he called. He didn't come home last night because he has the big boss coming in today and he was at work late and had to be in early. So I asked him if he missed me, he jokingly said "no" (that's his humor, we're both like that) and I said I'm asking, he said "of course I miss you". He even suggested doing a date night tonight (he's off for the next 3 days).
One more thing I want to add so you have all the info to make an informed decision. He NEVER goes out! Doesn't hang out with friends. Doesn't go to bars, none of that. Neither do I. He's always home when he says he's going to be. I can call him at work and he's there. Nothing funny on the credit cards. I handle all of the money, and nothing is missing or suspicious there. We use Mac card for everything so I know where's he spending.
This is all why I'm so confused. HELP ME! Again, sorry so long!
Thanks for the response dobo. I can't check e-mails or track his cell. It's all company issued and everything is password protected (company required). And I have told him what I've been feeling numerous times. He understands why I feel the way I do and says he would feel the same way. But when I don't like his answers because they seem unrealistic (like with the computer reconstruction) he gets annoyed. He said there's nothing to stop because there's nothing going on.
I did ask him when all of this started. He said he didn't know. He stressed over and over again that he didn't even know why he was the way he was. He was just shelled up inside himself. I thought maybe an early mid-life crisis. He thinks I'm being paranoid. Actually, his demeanor towards me is fine now. We're having sex when time allows, doesn't even need the pills anymore. And they are home they're in medicine cabinet and I check the count often. They are all still there. And he's had no problem showing me his blackberry (it's all linked to his laptop, so the info is the same). He's given it to me and said here look through it, I don't care, I have nothing to hide. This is why I'm so confused. He could be confident because he's deleting stuff right away or maybe there is nothing going on, and he really does have nothing to hide. I know you're thinking this chick is so naive, and maybe I am when it comes to certain things. But I know my husband a very long time. We're high school sweethearts, been together since we're 16. He was at my Sweet 16 party! I never dated anyone but him even as a teenager. He was my first date, first kiss, first "time" and we've been through so much together. So, if I seem naive this is why. He is truly a good person, would give you the shirt off his back, really he would. This is why this is so confusing to me. I'm not making excuses by any means, I just wanted to tell what kind of person he is.
I'm thinking that whatever went on is over. And it might not have been very much, just a fantasy or emotional affair. that's not to reduce the pain of a spouse having any sort of relationship with someone else... but if he's back and you love him, show him you love him and move forward.
SOmeday he might tell you everything. But he might not to avoid hurting you. You have to think about what level of disclosure you could handle. I couldn't handle any. (But I'd want to know and would probably dig until I've effectively destroyed everything. I don't suggest you be like me!)
Consider seeing someone to talk about your concerns if what you get 'round the net isn't helping.
LOL! I thought about the continuing digging. But I have my kids to think about. And honestly, if there is/was something going on, I would live in agony, and my bf thinks I'm nuts, but I don't want my family to despair over what could be nothing. I know him, I don't think he would tell me. He's not a conversational person by nature and wouldn't share anyway. I thought about going to see a therapist. As a matter of fact, I even said that to him a couple of months ago about seeing a marriage counselor. And he said we can go if that's what you want, but there's no reason to go. And I've asked him numerous times if I did something wrong causing him to feel the way he did and he flat out said No, it's nothing to do with you, it's me and I can't figure it out. Maybe he was pushing me away to try to figure it out? I just don't know. The other things I think about flat out make me cry. Like the e-mail for instance. I'm trying to re-focus and get the thoughts out of my head. Sometimes is works. Others...well...you know.
Do you believe he is still doing something behind your back? Do you think it is over?
I wish I could help you. I wish I could tell you what to do or that it will get better. I don't know. I'm hurting just thinking about how twisted you must be feeling inside. It is almost like going crazy because you don't know what is real anymore.
I'm not sure. I forgot to mention that Monday evening right before we left for my dd's back to school night, his blackberry rang. He answered and after he said hello, he cleared his throat quite loudly and said yeah, a little bit. I knew it was "her" and when he mentioned counceling I definitely new. So I flat out asked him who called and he told me. And I told him that I thought it was suspicious with the clearing of the throat and the yeah a little bit, sounded like code to me. And he got really peaved, didn't talk to me for the rest of the night and all he said was, I'm getting in trouble for clearing my throat! Maybe I was out of bounds I don't even know anymore. I want to believe that nothing is going on just for the sake of my sanity. I would much rather him come out and tell me "I am seeing her, I think you and I are over" than for me to keep wondering, not knowing and not trusting. I would be completely devastated!!!!! But at least I can move on in peace. That's NOT what I want, but at least I would then know.
I really appreciate you taking such an interest in my problem and all the things you've said. You're a good person. And for the record, I do feel like I'm going crazy! I was crazy before, OH BOY! LOL!
He is lying, he is cheating. And he's playing you.
Why is this woman calling him Monday evening or any evening for that matter? Would you be willing to confront her?
Would you be willing to hire a PI?
Does she know he's sleeping with you again? (Probably not.) Why don't you just ask him that point blank and suggest that once she knows she's being lied to, too, she might sing a different tune about him as well as spilling the beans on the entire thing.
Where are you? I'll follow him! ;-)
You really need surveillance and information. That's the only thing you need. And since he won't provide it you are going to have to go to longer lengths to get it. That means finding proof. You can't be afraid to go to his work or to talk to his friend or to show him that he can't lie anymore, that you will check on what he is telling you.
I had to do that with my ex-. It wasn't cheating but he would lie and I would do nothing, knowing he was lying. Finally I got on the phone and called for instance, the accountant, when he said that $$ was for taxes and I got on the phone with the bartender at the bar he hung out with and asked questions (want to talk about putting a guy on the spot?! But he ended up being honest with me he was so shocked.) Stuff like that.
You probably have more resources than you think. Cheaters often involve others to help them cover up but those people don't expect to be questioned or if they handle it, tell the cheater to find someone else. Bring down the heat on this guy. Empower yourself.
He said she was calling him to let him know how it went with the drug counselor for her son. And when I told him that he should have had the contact person he set her up with deal with it and that he didn't need to be so personally involved with the situation and that it was her and her husbands place to deal with it he said "now I'm in trouble because I was trying to help someone out, I'm helping alot of people at work with problems that they're having." Just so you know he a boss. I'm all for helping people, I'm always helping my friends or anyone else for that matter who need it. It's the right thing to do.
I've checked his truck inside and out, under seats what have you, I've checked his bag that he keeps all of his work stuff in, you name it I've checked. Even pockets in the back of the closet, inside shoes, I can go on. And nothing. I'm not afraid to drop by his job, its the trip there. I don't drive major interstates I have anxiety issues. I would hire a PI but that's costly. And I don't know the people he works with well enough to confront them. I was researching listening devices that I can plant under his seat of his truck, but they're so expensive.
Oh and last week when I brought this up to him again, he said if you would just talk to her at the Christmas Party or where ever, you'll see, there's nothing going on. I said people who have something to hide, will.
And I'm sorry you had to go through what you went through. Why are men so ignorant??
Hi Corpuswife. I think at this point, because this has been going on since earlier in the year and I've confronted him so many times, if there is something going on, he'll be more careful because he knows I'm suspecting.
I don't know what I would do to be honest. He may decide to leave, I don't know what would happen. I'm not leaving my home, that's one thing for sure.
And if I am being paranoid and he's not doing anything wrong, I don't want to drive him in the direction of someone else. I'm stuck is what I am.
How about her husband? What does he think? Now there is an ally to talk to.
Companies also have policies against being involved with a subordinate.
But Corpus asked a good question -- what will you do if he is having an affair?
Something else to consider is asking him if he's seen how upset this has made you and how concerned you are about your marriage, why he has chosen to continue contact with this woman outside of business? Doesn't he care how much this is hurting you? Even if he is innocent, completely, 100%, he is choosing this other woman's issues over the person he swore to honor and cherish. Why? Why is he so willing to harm you to help her? She's got family. She has others to turn to. If your husband were hit by a car she'd survive. But you and your family, they need him in ways that this woman cannot or should not. Why is he doing this to the family?
I don't know him, I only met her twice. I don't even know her last name, which my bf had an idea to find out what it is and she if she has a my space page.
See that's just it, I don't know if it's outside of work?? I know nothing. And he knows how devastated I've been. There were days I was standing in the driveway having a smoke and he was with me and I was shaking uncontrollably crying and he'd say why are you so upset, there's nothing...so on and so on. If he's helping that's fine, have absolutely no problem with that, it's part of his job and his nature to do so.
I don't know what I would do. I'm not leaving my home, I know that.