General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
So I started another thread before, but it got closed down. So I'll do a bit of a refresher.
My husband was out of work for several months and stayed home a lot, made some poker friends on facebook (girls), we got married (May) and he ended up getting a job outside of the city (10 days on 4 days off). He left to go to work the day we got back from our honeymoon. About a month after I found out he had called on of these facebook girls almost daily while he was gone (calling me...maybe twice) for the first month he was gone. He ended up quitting that job near the end of July to work in the city. I recently found out that he had met this women (the day after he quit that job and got home took her and her kids to a heritage park). He recently quit another job and I find out he's been spending even more time with her and her youngest at parks, restuarants etc.
He's told me her husband is an alcoholic and is planning on leaving her marriage, my husband loves kids and is a nice guy but I don't know how long I can be "ok" with this (him spending time with her and her kid(s), especially that last 3 months he has lied to me so badly)
I feel like my whole marriage I've been lied to and he hasn't even appoligized for lying to me after I told him I knew what he was up to...
Tell him nix on the other woman. Her kids are not his responsibility. Past that, BS that this is about the kids! All those girls and now this?? BS, BS, BS!
Dobo but here is a way to tell if he is more interested in this OW more than he says he is. Lola, the next time he tells you that he is such a saintly guy that he is just being a helpful friend to someone in need - tell him, "Oh, honey that is great, your so caring, I will join you from now on at the park,restaurant, etc. so I can help too!" LOL! see where he goes with that. Look at his body movements or his face and you will be able to better tell if something is going on or not. OK, that may not be a good idea since, if he is telling the truth (doubt it), then you are on the hook to go and help out this OW. OK, maybe it's better to tell him to stop seeing her but you may never know that way. Just an idea anyways.
Sounds like a good idea, but it's hard to go when the only time they go is while I'm at work...or trust me, I would. Sometimes I feel like calling in sick to work and not letting by H know and then be all creepy and follow him....but I think that's taking it toooo far =p
Below is our convo thus far (mine and the OW):
"ME: Out of respect, I think it's time you get to know the wife of the man that you & your kids have been spending so much time with.
HER: I understand your consern, but i somehow dont feel the need to meet someone who does not like me. If there was anything you wanted to know feel free to ask.
ME: I never said anything about meeting, I said get to know...
It's not that I don't like you…I don't even know you, I don't like the situation you've brought (husband) in to and I think what you two have been doing is extremely inappropriate and disrespectful to our marriage (especially (husband) lying about everything this whole time, which I know you have no control over). I'm sure you're aware that (husband) is an extremely nice and caring man and would do anything for anyone (one of the many reasons why i love him), but his #1 priority should be our marriage and life, not you and your life and right now, that's not how it is.
I don't think you truly understand how this situation has been making me feel. (Husband) spending almost every night of our honeymoon web browsing on his phone to talk to you ($1,600.00 cell bill he is lucky he got out of), going out to (Work Place) the day we get back from our honeymoon and talking to you on the phone several times a day while calling his new wife maybe twice the entire 2 months he is gone and the day he's back for good, he's spending it with you and your kids at Fort Park, going to parks & restaurants with you and your kids while I’m at work, talking on msn and txting all day.
I only know you by your behaviour…how does that look to you?? "
Haven't heard from her yet...I'm sure she's just going to ignore me.
Even if he has no interest in her sexually...which I doubt. She is in a vunerable position and may end up having interest in him...which is probably there now.
It's called playing with fire. Someone will get burned. Most likely you.
Have him call it off. You are newly marriage and it shouldn't be like this....
If he doesn't get it. Then rethink your marriage. Why does he keep quitting jobs? Sounds like he's immature.
I know she is in a vulnerable position and I think she's using him to fill some voids in her life and I totally know I'm the one getting burned here. I have asked him before to stop and he hasn't listened...apparently. He's not immature, he quit his first job because it was him working 3 hours out of the city for 10 days then back for 4 (was only supposed to be a temporary job), he came back and worked in the city for the same company, but after 5 years of school, shoveling gravel at a labour job is a bit depressing.
His whole life he has been told what to do and I feel like if I keep telling him to stop he'll end up resenting me...I'm not that type of controlling person, I just want THIS to stop.
Should I go to his family? Start with his sisters and take it from there? This is just such a mess and I'm so lost.
all he has to do is put himself in your shoes...I'm pretty sure if the tables were turned it would be an entirely different story, but that's just my opinion....either way its not cool. Sheand ur hubby both know its not cool and neither one of them should expect you to be anywhere close to ok with it. Posted via Mobile Device
How long did you know your husband before you got married? How long has he known this other woman? Without knowing more details it is hard to speculate exactly what is going on, but from what you have said, it leads me to believe they are having an affair.
Why would she say she didn't want to talk to someone who doesn't like her? How does she know that you don't like her? And why WOULD you like someone that was spending more time with your husband than you are, especially if you are newlyweds.
She is needy and he feels like he can save her. Often, men will turn to someone in a worse situation than themselves and an affair starts because he feels like her knight in shining armour. If you are the more "together" one in the relationship, then thats not a role he can fill with you. It sounds like he needs to be needed by her. Funny thing is, if they WERE to start a legitimate relationship, then that would likely be the exaxt same thing he would go tired of, but then he would see her as "needy" rather than needing to be saved by him, the big strong man. You asking him to stop contact with her and him refusing should be your BIG clue as to how invested in her and her drama he REALLY is.
We had been together 3 years before getting married and he started talking to this OW back in January of this year on facebook. I had always told him I didn't like her, even before they met in person. I think he feels like he can save her or something. Below is the next chain of responses we've had:
HER:I guess it depends who you are as to how my behaviour makes me look.
As for getting to know each other i said i have no problem answering any questions you have about me. I really don't believe i brought (husband) into any situation, he is a man who can make his own decisions right or wrong. I have so much to say to defend myself from the way you are making me out to be, but out of respect for (husband) i will let it be and let you think what you want.
ME: Who I am has no effect on how your behaviour makes you look, if I gave the details to anyone (people I know or don't) they would see you the exact same way I do...they'd actually probably see you worse than I do. You obviously have something to hide if you don't want to take the time to prove that you're not what you seem.
I don't have any questions for you and I really don't think that you defending yourself would be disrespectful to (husband) in any way shape or form.
I know you're going through a ****ty time right now, but using (husband) to fill your voids isn't right or ok, I know girls like you, always playing the victim to get attention from guys. (Husband) has a huge heart and hates to see people hurt, especially kids and this causes him to make emotional decisions.
I'm basically telling you to **** off and stop using (husband), you're the last person who should be giving life advice to anyone. It's not easy for him to talk to anyone, but he needs to start trying with me at least and he can't start trying until you get your nose out of his/our business.
Hey lola
What's going on here?
Your H is the one you need to be talking to her - not the OW. don't feed her any info she doesn't need.
don't let it sound as though she is stealing your H from you.
she isn't going to 'feel guilty" and stop
HE IS MARRIED TO YOU.
I don't care how needy she is -
His relationship with you is the one that needs attention right now -
think you need to find an unambiguous way of letting him know that.
I have so much to say to defend myself from the way you are making me out to be, but out of respect for (husband) i will let it be and let you think what you want.
If she had any respect for your husband, she would get the heck out of his life and let the two of you get on with yours. You don't owe her anything and neither does your husband. I would insist that he either remove her from your lives or kick him to the curb so that she can have him.
--When you have a man that cheats on his wife...that is what you've got: A man who cheats on his wife.-- Is that what she wants? And more importantly, is that what you want?
There is no obsession with this OW, I really did try and want to get to know her better, but the fact that she was so unwilling just proves that she has ulterior motives. My husband knows how this friendship makes me feel and I told him he needs to remove her from his life and stop all further communication with her in order for me to forgive him, or I'll be going to family and let them know what's going on. I hope this kind of scares him a bit because he usually cares about what other people think of him, but I really don't want to have to resort to that.
I told him I also have to be present when he deletes all info he has on her.
**I should also add that he's going through a phase where he wants to do whatever he wants whenever he wants, he spent a lot of his life doing what other people wanted to make them happy. So far he hasn't complied with ending the "friendship," I gave him until sunday to do it and if he doesn't I am taking matters in to my own hands to end it.
New news isn't good news
So I started another thread before, but it got closed down. So I'll do a bit of a refresher.
Re: New news isn't good news
but here is a way to tell if he is more interested in this OW more than he says he is. Lola, the next time he tells you that he is such a saintly guy that he is just being a helpful friend to someone in need - tell him, "Oh, honey that is great, your so caring, I will join you from now on at the park,restaurant, etc. so I can help too!" LOL! see where he goes with that. Look at his body movements or his face and you will be able to better tell if something is going on or not. OK, that may not be a good idea since, if he is telling the truth (doubt it), then you are on the hook to go and help out this OW. OK, maybe it's better to tell him to stop seeing her but you may never know that way. Just an idea anyways.
You don't owe her anything and neither does your husband. I would insist that he either remove her from your lives or kick him to the curb so that she can have him.
