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Old 09-30-2009, 11:01 AM   #91 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men who aren't shallow please advise and anyone else who has an opinion

OK, back to the thread......I have seen many a case where the man only criticised, the woman still lost weight....then she lost more weight when she got rid of the negative man in her life.

The point is, if we hear endless put-downs and negative things from our significant others....then a lot of times, we decide to make positive changes changes in our lives, we get rid of the negative things in our lives, ie: unhealthy foods, habits and people. If you're not there to support her through the bad times, you may not get to enjoy the good times.
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Old 10-01-2009, 09:41 AM   #92 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men who aren't shallow please advise and anyone else who has an opinion

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Originally Posted by runswithbeer78 View Post
It seems to me that someone that would leave their wife after being married for six years and two children just because she was overweight is immature. Did you write your own vows? I am certain you left that part out if you did. It looks like you are the one that is selfish. You have apparently neglected her for years...... Have you ever asked her if she was depressed? Weight gain is not some thing that happens over night. Where were you when you started to see more weight on her than she was even uncomfortable with. Why didn't you go to the gym with her? Because you are the one that has a lack of commitment to the marriage. Your home, car, wife, and kids are all probably things that you are proud of until they aren't perfect anymore. Your family is a product of how you take care of them.... and you aren't doing a very good job. We are all are attracted to youthfulness and beauty but there is a point in everyone's life that you realize that you aren't perfect anymore. Even you I am sure. I bet when your wife sees Brad Pitt she's drooling!! I know my grandma does. Your wife is waiting for you to be involved in the family again and show her some genuine interest. It's up to you to be happy. You are laying all the guilt on her.
Thank you for renewing my faith that maturity still is alive and well. If the beginning posts were read it is stated that cruel and abusive remarks were all I took when I gained the first 5 pounds. I was never with my husband as he was out and about with his interests. Yes, weight can be controlled but so can being a husband and not using your home and wife as a pit stop. Again, when my illness took over and the weight gained during a very difficult pregnancy including an emotional rollercoaster of fear that a late stage abortion was imminent due to a supposed fatal genetic birth defect, I was bedridden and unable to lose the weight. My OB/GYN always stated that to gain 15-20 pounds was old school and as long as I was healthy that weight was a non-issue. My husband was aloof and unresponsive before I gained weight. He was also impotent but did I leave? No, I married him not his penis.
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Old 10-01-2009, 09:45 AM   #93 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by MEM11363 View Post
Atholk,
When I look at my wife of 20 years I "see" two things simultaneously. One is the raw visual that as I have already said in other posts - still drives me crazy - and yes I respond to that at a purely physical / hardwired level. This is not a choice - this is an involuntary reaction.

The other thing I see superimposed on her body is 20 years of commitment and determination. A whole adult lifetime of skipping cupcakes and only eating one small bag of cheetos when we go to the picnic, and going for a walk with me most nights, and exercising with her friends or herself on a regular basis. And yes it is emotionally satisfying to know that my wife values my desire, my passion more then a box of twinkies. That the fire in our marriage is worth getting up off the couch for. That matters to me.

At 47 her hair is starting to thin, and entropy is slowly taking its relentless toll. And she is getting a little self conscious about physical stuff and aging. So when I say to her "You are beautiful, I just physically crave you" I know that makes her feel special.
If I am understanding this quote; when you see your wife you see two things, her body and her commitment to her body? So far we know nothing about your wife except her her body and her sacrifice to give up twinkies for you.
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Old 10-01-2009, 09:52 AM   #94 (permalink)
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I admit, I did not read all of the posts on here, but want to give my opinion anyway.

Before my first child, I was 19 years old, 105 lbs, and could eat anything I wanted and never gain weight, and always wore a size 5

4 years later, I was 100 lbs, fit better into girls size 14 pants because I had no hips, and could eat anything I wanted. Then I got pregnant with child #2. After he was born I weighed 140 and wore a size 9.

I had always been the skinny, cute gal. That was gone. It was hard finding my identity. I had low self esteem and a crappy marriage.

7 years later, pregnant with child #3. After he was born I was 170 lbs. and size 18. Not happy and not healthy. About 3 years after he was born, I was tired of it all and started to pay attention to what I ate. I lost 35lbs and was finding some much needed self confidence. Then I got pregnant again.

I had my daughter and still watched my diet and lost the extra weight pretty quick.

Now I need to point out that no matter what I weighed, 105 or 170 lbs, my hubby always found fault with me and put me down, cheated on me over and over. I don't eat when I'm depressed, I do the opposite.

My self confidence came from taking charge and deciding I didn't like getting winded walking a couple blocks. I also have wonderful, supportive friends. I divorced the man who was mentally abusive and cheated on me for 15 years.

I have friends that are 200lbs and beautiful. I have friends that are 110 lbs and beautiful. I think men are attracted to self confidence.

Everyone has a little mental list of what they find attractive in the opposite sex, I think. I think everyone has a mental list of things that turn them off, too.

I am now married to a man who I was not immediately attracted to. He's highly intelligent, strong, supportive, and loving. All on my good list.

He is also balding, has some back hair, a chipped front tooth,and ear hair. All on my bad list.

He is the sexiest man I know! I don't care about the flaws because I love him with all my heart. He loves me for who I am, not what I weigh. We both find each other immensively attractive.

Outer beauty fades with age. Inner beauty is forever. We all deserve someone who thinks we're beautiful, no matter what size clothing we wear. The only time weight should be an issue is when it is affecting our loved one's health.

Sorry so long, just needed to express my oinion.
I am really happy to read your post. I left my husband after finally he crossed the line and became verbally abusive to our beautiful little girl and called our 25 yo dying dog. I will find happiness with a mature man who loves me for who I am.. At the time I am happy just being with my daughter and two wonderful new puppies. The weight, all of a sudden, doesn't matter. See, my daughter loves me and she would if I was 400 pounds as would my puppies, that is unconditional. I do tell her that fat people can be healthy or unhealthy and that is what matters, I agree with you 100 % good luck and best wishes for your future with your guy!
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Old 10-01-2009, 09:54 AM   #95 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men who aren't shallow please advise and anyone else who has an opinion

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Originally Posted by revitalizedhusband View Post
Care to enlighten us as to who you are responding to?
Why does it matter, it is the opionion that matters not why the opion was given.
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Old 10-01-2009, 09:59 AM   #96 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men who aren't shallow please advise and anyone else who has an opinion

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OMG don't say that. That implies that she did you a massive favor because you aren't really good enough for her and you're forever in her debt. It's like handing her an emotional credit card with no limit and your name on the account. Eventually she'll start to wonder why the heck she had your child and not a better man's.

Just say "I'm not normally into stretch marks, but I like that I caused yours" while holding eye contact. If you get any kind of positive reaction, or just stunned silence / deer in headlights look, just start taking her clothes off and kissing her. Then close the deal.

I am literraly shocked by this response. I wonder if it would be different if you carried the child? An emotional credit card with not limit and your name on the account???? ...................This appears abusive to me, that's again just an opion from a woman who carried a child for my self and my husband.
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Old 10-01-2009, 10:02 AM   #97 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men who aren't shallow please advise and anyone else who has an opinion

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Originally Posted by MEM11363 View Post
Atholk,
With regard to gratitude for child bearing you and I see this differently. I have already established my credentials with regard to how shallow I have always been about fitness.

I am not however in a point counting/point scoring competition with wife. As for child production:
- I had an hour of rapture and then came really hard
- She on the other hand had an hour of rapture AND
- 3 months of severe morning sickness
- some heartburn and other symptoms
- 3 months at the end of just feeling fat/awkward couldn't really play certain sports she liked
- Capped off by 10 hours of painful labor and then delivery

Wait - Not done yet!!!
Then she shared her delightful nipples with our child for 6 months - even though the baby nursed hard and it hurt. She did that for all the health/IQ correlations to nursing.

And she did have to make some effort to lose the baby weight. The stretch marks will never go away and SHE doesn't like them.

My wife has never tried to use these facts to extract anything from me. She is not like that.

Still - how can I not be greatful to her. She sacrificed her body - has permanent marks on it. I came.

Atholk - If being in that situation does not leave you feeling greatful, then I will henceforth think of you as Dexter's twin brother. Smart, entertaining, rational and sociopathic.

Thanks, MEM.
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