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Old 09-19-2009, 07:19 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Men who aren't shallow please advise and anyone else who has an opinion

Originally Posted by jumper21
I've posted in the past, but I am that husband.
In my situation, there is a deep rooted issue that hinges on my wife that needs to change.

My issue started with her being over weight. After 6 years of our marriage and 2 kids, I finally told her that it is difficult for me to say it but I have an issue with her weight. Now, if I were told something like that, I would try to change it. If she would say, "what can I eat? How can I exercise? I am going to diet. And look good for you."
But instead, no effort has been put towards my wishes. To me, I feel like "I guess, I'm not worth it for her." or "She's so selfish."

I would have him just lay it all out on the table. If you want to know, be willing to change or be willing to find out. If it's not worth it for you to change, then at least you know.



MY RESPONSE TO THE ABOVE POST:
This is just infuriating. My husband just did the I love you but I am not in love with you. Well, he certainly was in love with me when I was his arm piece but after gaining 70 pounds with HIS child and becoming ill afterward I am still 200 pounds and our daughter just turned 9 years old, by the way, my father told me I could quit calling it "baby weight", hmmm wonder how I picked the same sort of abusive man? Anyway, I was playboy beautiful my whole life and I have had two husbands share the opinion that overwheight is sickening, unattractive, and non sexual. Well guess what? The first husband I was with I met when I was 19 yo and he thought going from 117 pounds to a healthy 130 was outrageous. My second husband told me during our first sexual encounter that "he liked a little butter on his potatoes but didn't like it slobbing over the side", I was 140 pounds, strong, shapely, and healthy. Now, I ask you men..........what if your wife was in a car accident and her face was permanently scarred? What then? No more sex, repulsivity? what is love? Love is an action not a feeling. Do you love your wife or do you want a woman who won't age? Do you want children? Well, grow up. I am almost positive that she knows she is overweight. I am sure she is traumatized and puts herself down enough without needing any extra help. If you are so visually inclined then do her a favor and leave. I hear there are still 18 year olds looking for immature men.
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Old 09-19-2009, 07:49 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men who aren't shallow please advise and anyone else who has an opinion

um, is the weight issue a result of a medical condition or overeating/lack of excercise?

you sound defensive, 200 pounds is heavy. you seem to make excuses or appear to be trying to rationalize the weight issue away by the take it or leave it this is who i am approach.

i deal with a similar issue with my wifes hoarding, she just cannot see it for what it is and instead makes ridiculous excuses and actually tries to turn it onto me like its my fault. if she doesnt fix it soon i will be gone, maybe she will find some man that likes it.
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Old 09-19-2009, 08:23 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men who aren't shallow please advise and anyone else who has an opinion

I would like to start by thanking you for your response. In answer to your analysis, "yes" I am defensive. Defensive is to defend and when my spirity, soul, and core self is attacked and rejected I believe it is human nature to defend.

Yes, mine is medical however, this is not the issue. The question is, what if your wife had to have a mastectomy (a breast removed secondary to cancer) or her face was ruined in a terrible car accident? What if she lost a limb?

What is love? I understand that fat is ugly. TRUST ME, I KNOW I AM FAT WITHOUT THE MAN THAT IS SUPPOSED TO DEFEND MY HONOR TELLING ME or even more cowardly, not telling me.

I live with my fat, shame, hatred of myself far more than he does. He is not Brad Pitt but somehow when he takes off his clothes it is him I am with not the fact that his penis is a little thin, or he weighs 130 pounds and his hips protrude and he has chicken legs. I love him for who he is. I guess I made a foolish mistake expecting the same.

Most woman eat excessively because food is their best friend. Hmmm, sad. They are lonely. They are in need of adoration not ridicule or threats. I believe that we can communicate without throwing out barbs at one another. I wrote this post in anger, correct. I am deeply, deeply, wounded by this rejection. I am going to be 40 years old. I can't be arm candy forever.

Love is an action as in how you treat someone regardless of their humaness. Love is not a feeling. When a man states that he is not "in love with you anymore" translated that means "I am not attracted to you anymore" the more a woman hears that the more she eats. It is a vicious cycle.

I, myself have tried medication, medically managed weight loss programs, weight watchers, and as a last hope I actually had a lapband surgery.

We are here for such a short time. I just have a hard time understanding the cruelty. Why not leave your wife without permenately scarring her before you go?

Again, please know that fat does not equate with slob.
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Old 09-19-2009, 09:02 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men who aren't shallow please advise and anyone else who has an opinion

desperado: I am sorry that your husband says this to you. And you are correct in many ways. I wasn't small but I also wasn't big when I met my husband. After the birth of our daughter I did gain 60+ lbs. It was hard on me without his smart azz comments. I knew I gained weight, I knew I got more stretch marks. But hell, I am a woman who carried his child, he should be happy that our daughter was born happy and healthy. Instead it's the comments that hurt. Go sit on his lap and you get, **** fat azz you are heavy. Or how about you we both can't fit down the hall. The worst part, he isn't any smaller. He has gained more weight than I did. I did start to lose it. I go back and forth, gain - lose, gain - lose. But still the comments come but yet his fat azz hasn't lost anything. And you are also right, food is our best friend especially if we are upset and/or depressed. What do we do: EAT!! And eat everything in sight. Maybe if they would help us instead of bringing us down, realize that we can't be that small skinny person for the rest of our lives, and help us and love us the way we are, we would be able to help ourselves too.

Just my opinion.
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Old 09-19-2009, 09:46 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men who aren't shallow please advise and anyone else who has an opinion

There are plenty of men out there that do like healthy women. I use the term "healthy" because I wouldn't want to hear the things that Desperado and Alwaysalone described. Although I have never been terribly "healthy," and was even called "too skinny" by my ex-husband, I think it is just plain wrong and even cruel to place labels on anyone.

I am sorry that you have had to listen to such crap. I can't stand hypocracy, as I see it on a daily basis. Try not to let these "perfect people" get to you. In fact, maybe you should kick them to the curb and find someone who appreciates you.

(((HUGS)))

FZ1
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Old 09-19-2009, 09:58 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men who aren't shallow please advise and anyone else who has an opinion

WOW, now that is the kind of kindness and understanding that mature and people who have heart are able to give. I actually feel sorry for the man who is so dissatified with his wife's weight. Too bad, she had probably been there for him for years.
I thank you foolz1 and alwaysalone. Hmmm, didn't seem to be too fat when I was exchanging his airline tickets to first class as a surprise or my sister was paying for his braces (thank god she doesn't know that he told me that his worst nightmare was that I would end up looking like her as she is fat also). I kept checking back on the post to see if there were any human souls out there. I am re-affirmed.
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Old 09-19-2009, 10:33 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men who aren't shallow please advise and anyone else who has an opinion

Desperado, the people who are out there disrespecting others obviously have a low opinion and are insecure with themselves and therefore want to make others miserable, just because they are. It is likely an attempt to make themselves feel better about their own imperfections, as nobody, anywhere is perfect. It shouldn't matter about your weight or anything else, as you have clearly sacrificed a great deal when you had their children. They are being selfish and immature, to say the least.

I am truly sorry that you have been treated in this manner. It is just not fair and totally uncalled for.

I am wishing you the best!
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Old 09-19-2009, 01:07 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men who aren't shallow please advise and anyone else who has an opinion

Atholk, I rarely react this way to anyone, but your statements are downright insensitive, inappropriate and unwarranted, however, I'm undoubtedly convinced that you believe that you are perfect. It is your opinion...have at it.
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Old 09-19-2009, 01:49 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men who aren't shallow please advise and anyone else who has an opinion

We are all biologically designed to do a lot of things, that means something but not everything. Then comes our interaction with the environment which sharpens who we become and what we believe in over time. Should my wife become extremely over weight, or lose a breast to cancer or anything like that, no way I would leave. She's a great mother, great wife and a top student in school. I've also had friends that have trophy wives that are dumb as a box of rocks. Their beauty had become the only real thing they had going for them, and I thought how sad. Sure if I were her dating her as her husband did I would enjoy her beauty and her flesh but then I would have to talk to her. Stupid people are far more unattractive than ugly people to me. The mind is by far the most sexy.
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Old 09-19-2009, 02:44 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men who aren't shallow please advise and anyone else who has an opinion

It's a pretty superficial "analysis" of human biology to equate "thin" with "sexy" or even "healthy." Furthermore, just because men find a specific hip-to-waist ratio "most attractive," does NOT automatically mean they find anything else "unattractive."

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. We women have had to fight the social conditioning that over-empahsized thinness beginning in the 1960s, and guess what? Many of us have learned to see our own bodies as beautiful, to see skinny as sickly, to see "ultra-fit" as perhaps a sign of shallowness (or at least, way too much time on someone's hands!), etc. It is a weak position, logically, to argue that overweight is automatically unattractive. Morbid obesity, perhaps--but that often comes with a host of physical and/or mental ailments that become tiring to anyone who must constantly put up with the limitations of someone that ill. I was 70 lbs overweight after the birth of my last bio child, and I took my time losing it, b/c it simply wasn't important to me. At the same time, because I've always been an active person, I was still fairly fit and had excellent overall health--unusual, but not unheard of! My size didn't keep me from doing things and I didn't complain about things that were weight-related (getting too hot, not being comfortable in certain chairs, etc, etc, etc). Lots of overweight people do, however, and that attitude is unattractive. One's weight is one's own issue and we should not judge others on size. How someone handles their weight issues, however, is a separate issue that may be creating tension in relationships.

Having said that, my dh rejected me simply b/c I was fat. I was actually glad (long story) but it still hurt to hear some of what he said--just mean of him, frankly. I find many men attractive who are overweight, even significantly so, although truly obese men are a turnoff sexually for me. I wouldn't refuse to befriend someone like that, however. Furthermore, I'm very attracted to someone and I cannot imagine his size--no matter what it became--ever interfering with my attraction to him, b/c it isn't about how he looks at all! He is totally "not my type" and that doesn't matter a bit! I actually think he is sexier than Brad Pitt, and I think BP is pretty damn hot!

FYI: I am NOT saying that everyone who is morbidly obese IS mentally ill; please don't put those words in my mouth. But the meds for tx of many mental illness often contribute to obesity, and there is a higher correlation. Abuse of food, like alcohol abuse, is a symptom of self-medicating, too.
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Old 09-19-2009, 06:34 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men who aren't shallow please advise and anyone else who has an opinion

the comparisons you made to breast cancer and disfigurement due to accidents are not the same. weight is controlable, may take a medicinal approach but there are things you can do, one of them is finding someone who likes full figured women. gaining 70 pounds and keeping it for 9 years, i would expect my wife to repel me if i did that
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Old 09-22-2009, 07:25 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men who aren't shallow please advise and anyone else who has an opinion

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Originally Posted by okeydokie View Post
the comparisons you made to breast cancer and disfigurement due to accidents are not the same. weight is controlable, may take a medicinal approach but there are things you can do, one of them is finding someone who likes full figured women. gaining 70 pounds and keeping it for 9 years, i would expect my wife to repel me if i did that
Hmmmm, I have heard alot of "opinion" and alot of what some must consider to be "medical science", but this qoute shows a complete failure at understanding the analogy but an assuption (and we all know what that does) that all can lose weight out of free will. Believe me friend, no woman wants to be fat and if a small amount of research is done you will find that there are a multitude of medical, biological, and psychological reasons that some people cannot lose weight. Love is an action not a feeling. To love is to act toward others as you would want to be treated if in the same situation. You would think that all of your anger be directed at your own inadequacies vs. being a bully towards the woman you vowed to protect, honor, through better and worse. I am clear that we only are angry at others "issues" when we don't feel very good about ourselves.
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Old 09-22-2009, 07:26 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Hmmmm, I have heard alot of "opinion" and alot of what some must consider to be "medical science", but this qoute shows a complete failure at understanding the analogy but an assuption (and we all know what that does) that all can lose weight out of free will. Believe me friend, no woman wants to be fat and if a small amount of research is done you will find that there are a multitude of medical, biological, and psychological reasons that some people cannot lose weight. Love is an action not a feeling. To love is to act toward others as you would want to be treated if in the same situation. You would think that all of your anger be directed at your own inadequacies vs. being a bully towards the woman you vowed to protect, honor, through better and worse. I am clear that we only are angry at others "issues" when we don't feel very good about ourselves.
BTW, I am quite sure that your wife repels you just as you are.
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Old 09-22-2009, 07:44 AM   #14 (permalink)
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By demanding your husband to just accept you for what you are, you are basically asking him to not react to you like a man. How is he meant to even do that? And even if he did stop reacting to you like a man, would that really be acceptable to you? Right now he's still interested in you. When he gives up and accepts you will never change, isn't it really just over between you on some level?

Men desiring beautiful and height/weight proportional mates aren't being shallow at all. It's exactly what we are biologically designed and driven to do. The actual desirable weight range can be higher or lower, but worldwide there is a common agreement on the 0.7 waist to hip ratio as being attractive. The body logic behind this is that women of this body shape have the greatest success chances at successful pregnancy. What's good for making babies = what is sexy. Wives underestimate physical fitness at their peril, men are deeply deeply driven for attractive mates.

This is a harsh unforgiving truth, and it sounds like you have experienced being on both sides of "damn you're hot", and "damn you're not" body weight equation. No doubt you feel exquiste pain over this issue. The possible solutions are in no way easy pills to swallow.

One option is to find a lower status man that your physical imperfections are acceptable to him.

The other is to find a way to regain at least some of your former physical condition. You haven't stated your medical issue, so I'm not exactly sure how to advise here on that. Check with your doctor.

However I will say that the weight loss and dieting community is basically a trap that seems to keep women on yo-yo weight loss and gains. Most doctors have little insight in weight management too. The real place to look for body work knowledge and advice is in the body building community. Maybe start here Bodybuilding.com Writer: Female Transformation Of The Week - How Much Have You Changed?

There is no quick fix. Repeat no quick fix. But it's possible to work hard over 1-2-3 years and regain much of lost youthful beauty. Not all of course, we'll all never be 22 again, I'm talking about aging well here.

I suspect I'm not saying a lot of what you want to hear. I will stand firm that it's the truth, and I suspect that deep down you know it to be true. I wish you well on the journey.

Thank you for your medical research in the name of love. I can tell you that there are many "left over" biologically driven responses to what was the reason for men and woman to find the mate that produced the strongest offspring. It is referred to as "Survival of the fittest" but you probably already knew that. Since the time that we quit having to reproduce for the species survival, men and woman have determined love is a stronger action to a monogomous relationship, as monogomy is not a natural choice when the species is at risk. If you want to play the biological natural selection card, the fact is that woman naturally gravitate towards men that can protect them and their "offspring" so I am not sure how you can make your argument using only the "male body logic" without any comment on how a male like yourself is chosen when clearly unable or unwilling to protect his woman unless she remains "in ratio". If you further your research I believe you will find that people's appearance changes as they age due to not being the strongest anymore to reproduce. So, does that mean that the male will just keep exchanging his older "out of ratio" wife for a younger "in ration" wife and continue to reproduce even though with age his sperm is less potent?
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Old 09-22-2009, 07:49 AM   #15 (permalink)
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BTW, I am quite sure that your wife repels you just as you are.

denial through attack, nice
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