Newlywed after long relationship, scared/depressed

needadviceplease1 · 09-21-2009, 05:36 PM

I was with a girl since high school until 24. It was a rough relationship and we both cheated and I was a chronic cheater. We were both cold toward one another and really only had a good time when we were with other people. There were some good times though but I was not happy so I broke it off when I met my now wife of a month. I fell deeply in love with her when I first met her because she was everything I wanted and everything not what my ex was. Any therapist will tell you not to fall into this but I did and now I am married. She is great to me and I treat her and a wife should be treated. I am still trying to overcome the guilt I have about breaking up with my ex for her though. My ex has since remarried as well but family and friends give off the vibe that they think what I did to my ex was wrong and I am starting to believe it. Feeling hasn't gone away in a month and I am really starting to worry.

Blanca · 09-21-2009, 06:39 PM

maybe it was wrong what you did to your exe- but what can you do about it now? you cant go back and fix it. if you try, you'll really screw things up- then you'll have more guilt to live with.

needadviceplease1 · 09-21-2009, 06:52 PM

There is really nothing I can I suppose. She is happy with someone else now and I am not even jealous of the guy that is with her. I guess that kind of shows me that I wasn't truly in love with her. It just seems as though I can't get away from it and even though I dated my wife two years before we go married I still have that guilt. I have talked openly about it with my wife and she understands and is willing to talk to me about it. I try not to though because I know it must hurt a little. Either way I love my wife and we have fun together and are respectful of one another and I have no urge to cheat on her which is a breath of fresh air. We are going through the newlywed "getting used to things" right now and this on top of that has started to really affect me. I try not to let it show but she knows because of how I can mild mood swings.

ChCkBzk · 09-22-2009, 06:57 PM

The newly wed period is an adjustment in itself, and it sounds like this marriage is far different from your last relationship. You're out of your comfort zone, and your feelings and worries seem pretty normal to me. I don't think I'd worry unless they started to get worse, or kept on going and going and going.....

It's only been a month. That's not very long!

needadviceplease1 · 09-22-2009, 07:49 PM

I know it hasn't been very long. But that is what I am kind of scared of..it hasn't been that long and I am acting like this. I think I am a person who needs approval of everyone and the fact that maybe some of my friends and family disagree with our relationship it makes the guilt get worse. I know I shouldn't let their opinions matter but it still does. We are very different people (she is an optimist to a fault and I am a pessimist to a fault). She is happy and bubbly and I am the opposite. So that also may have something to do with it.

It is almost like she is still on cloud nine with being with and I have leveled out and am seeing it as a relationship and none of this soulmates business.

hideandseek · 09-22-2009, 07:53 PM

Have you spoken to a therapist? I think you may benefit from counselling to help you work through your insecurities. You have a wonderful wife who will support you on this journey.

needadviceplease1 · 09-22-2009, 07:56 PM

I have thought about a therapist but I want to try and work this out on my own before that. Some of the other issues I am having is that she is a clingy one. It is who she is and I grew up very independent and she was glued to her parents. She is insecure about herself and cares more about pleasing others than herself. This is something I have tried to discuss with her. So the fact that she is really nice to me all the time is usually because I am being silent or freaking out about some of the things I have already mentioned. Sometimes I just want her to say "shut up and be a man" but she just keeps showering me with affection.