General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
First I want to say this will probobly be long but I want to provide the full background and not hide anything. My wife and I are both 26 and have been together for about 2 and half years. We were recently married 4 weeks ago with the unfortunate side effect of immidiatley going into counseling and feeling frusturated. I look at us as being married for about a year as we bought a house together over a year ago but she looks as us being recently married.
The problem has multiple facets. She feels she is the parent and I am the child. This is because I have not stepped up in the past which i am doing now and she recognizes this. I have lied in the past about my smoking as I hate seeing her disapointment. I know through counseling that she is going to be mad and I have to be ok with this. We also have big communication problems. We both easily go on the defensive when expressing our feelings but I feel I am making great efforts only to hear her say "I am tired of fighting" "We are falling out of love" and "I don't understand." We are both strong headed but through our counselign sessions we have come to realize 2 main problems that we have both admitted to. One she is critical and judgemental and I need to act more adult. now I don't drink all the time, I am trying to learn about lights, mids and darks, and I constantly look on how I can help out more. The problem I am delaing with is i feel I am making great efforts but to no avail. For example, our latest fight was simply stupid. We woke up this morning and we have designated roles in the morning. She does the dogs and i do the cats. I shower first and we both say i love you before we head to work. Well this morning I though we got up late so i headed immidiealty to do the cats and I thought she was in the shower so I did the dogs as well. When i walked in the bedroom she wasnt in the shower and said "Why are you doing the dogs" I said I thought we were in a rush to which she said "you don't listen even when last ngiht at counseling he stated we need to run checks" these checks are asking what needs to be done and working on communicating. now we walked away from the situation and addressed it later that night. I let her go first and then AGREED WITH HER. I knew I messed up by assuming things but everything is so rigid. She is complete type A and me type B. After I apologized and said i would work on it I told her I was bothered by her tone as I felt it instantly threw us in a parent child relationship. i felt as if I was being scolded. Her response was "I can't help how i feel" All I was looking for was for her to step outside the box and realize I was hurt to. We have already been told this is a problem with the relationship. She said she was sorry but instantly backed it up with how if I didn't assume all the roles in the morning and let her just express her discomfert everything would be fine. So am i now the female where I want to express my side too? i think I have the right to express my emotions. As soon as I do she is on the defensive. So at this point we walk away and i come back. We go over the scenario again only to have her tell me that I did the dogs, then got in the shower, then did the cats. now I know for a fact, as I did everything this morning, that this isn't how it happened but yet I am being told I am worng. how do i get out of this revolving door where I fell I am always wrong. We continue to fight only to hear that "She is tired of fighting, we are falling out of love, etc... now I know a lot of this is caused by me always pleasing her. i would rather be happy than right but sometimes I want to truly give an opinion but when it always cause strife and angst one tends to stray away from this. So now I feel 2 things: I am the women in the relationship as i want to always talk about things as i want to understand what i am doing to upset her and she is the man as she doesn't want to talk about it. Secondly, I feel the only way to avoide conflict and fighting is to agree with her but at the same time when I do this I don't give my honest opinion. When i give me honest opinion i am met with hostility as she goes on the defensive and then crawls into bed at 7pm on a friday night when we were supposed ot be enjoying a movie/date night. What is a man to do? Please note this isn;t a one off as the problem of communication and roles in this scenario applies to many others throughout our entire relationship. Am I in the wrong or should i be handling things differently. i need a 3rd person's opinion because at this point i have lost all of my friends, if i talk to my family I am taking their side so i have noone else to talk to. PLEASE HELP!!!!
Last edited by slu2383; 09-25-2009 at 10:21 PM.
Reason: Title not justified
I forgot to mention the most important part about this. I LOVE MY WIFE MORE THAN ANYTHIGN IN THE WORLD AND WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR US. I just feel i am making all of the efforts and she has given up. just note that I would still be with her even if it took 20 years for her to get it. i wouldn't care as I know this is a 2 way street and I have my own faults I am working on but if she won't amke an effort is it worth it? Why should i sacrafice all of my feelings when I don't get anything in return? thanks again for anyone taking the time to read my problems.
I know its sad and I can only blame myself for half. As I said i would give us 20 years as I truly love her and I know she truly loves me but if there is no reciprocation in appreciation how is one to go through this day after day.
Please don't be afraid to post and say it like it is. I am not afraid of the worse case scenario as i think about it to but I just want to be sure that i have not giving USall i have and call it quits. I don't know if this helps but she has had divorce all throughout her family where I have had none in my family. her mom and dad have been divorced, her dad then divorced again so we have my family, he moms side, her dads side, her moms husbands side and her dad's wifes side. I love all of them as they are good people and they have even told her that things can't always be her way and that i am the best thing for her. Am I just being to fogiving and non sticking up enough? Am I letting her walk all over me because I want a happy marriage. I want a family with kids but I am starting to wonder if I want this with her. Can we ever get over this. Is it more complicated and problematic than i want to admit?
I also think an annulment wont work as you have to meet some strict requierments. I looked into it but the only think i can come to is she wasn't in the right mind during the ceremony as we had problems that night all of which were blamed on me again.
Whats funny is you always hear the man causing the problems but I think this is where the man is not getting what he needs so its the complete opposite.
So frusturated, confused, and scared because what if its me and I let this happen in the next relationship!!!!
For one, don't let her walk all over you. You'll eventually resent her for that if you don't already.
It's also bad to lie about things to keep her from getting mad (smoking). She'll only be more angry when she finds out. My husband (eventually will be ex) did that. I told him I didn't want to marry a smoker. He lied and kept smoking. It didn't take me long to figure it out. THat was 3 years ago. He smokes a pack a day and does absolutely nothing for me. I'm broke and pregnant with his kid.
Did the two of you have any problems like this before you were married?
We have had problems throughout being together. We rushed into a bunch of stuff. Living together, buying a house, getting engaged, planning a wedding, getting married and recently putting our dog down. All in all i figure its because we are both strong ehaded. We are both successful and feel our opinions count. The problem is we both have felt we are right. i agree I am at fault for lying. I finally realized it was more hurtful to lie and hide it then be honest and see her disappointment. She knew I was smoker when we met and knew I drank when we met. i have no slowed down both to maybe 3 drinks a week, yet I still drink ALL THE TIME, and I smoke maybe a few cigs a day. I told her I want to quit as the onyl stipulation was If I want kids then I can't be a smoker which I accept. But right now I am not ready to have kids and our relationship problems, work and extra large family stress me out. So I smoke as it helps. I feel we never have time for ourselves as she always has something planned. I feel like I am beginning to rant now. LOL. Its just frusturating when i brag about us as I DO help in the house, but its never the right way, HHER WAY. She doesn't understand how I miss the dirt in the corner! I feel like I am trying and when I ask if its working, and the outcome it isn't, I try a different route only to find out that it doesn't work. When i ask her for suggestions she states "I don't know" . By the way thanks for your feedback.
Whatever ya do, don't have kids with her for about ohhh, 5-10 years to make sure things work out. I'd recomend quitting the smoking and alcohol. That's just me though.
I plan on quitting both even though i dont think its a problem. The bottom line is she is not happy with it and thus it is an issue. I do think she is OCD but god help me if I bring it up. I just want to feel appreciated and wanted and not that everything I do is wrong or never good enough.
If you take the smoking and drinking out, that is you do quit, then what is left? some arguing over who washes the animals? every couple goes through this. Maybe you and her have to sit down and actually write out who does what and hang it on the wall. Takes out the guess work.
Don't get too obsessed over gender roles, men are allowed to have emotions and express them and desire communication....it's a human need to either gender.
How do you sit down with someone when they say "I can't do this anymore, its too exhausting." Let alone I try and ask whats wrong and i get no response so i say "Well let me know how I can help" and then i get told all i was supposed to do is validate her feelings and be there for her." Well who is there for me? Why do my feelings get thrown out the door?
There are a couple possibilities here and the first one that I want to address is whether or not she really does love you. Are you sure that she does? I know that this is painful to think about but some couples stay together because there hasnt been a reason to break up. I know that you love her, but are you sure that you are the man for her? Does she say she loves you? What are your qualities that are her most favorite?
Now I want to say "BRAVO!" Great job on trying to work through things. THe only thing that I dont agree with that you admit to doing is when you go along with her just to keep her happy. My DH does this and it can be infuriating, when I know that is what he is doing I feel like he is dismissing my argument as invalid and treating me like I am inferior.
You are right about her tone. She needs to control herself just as she would want you to. Her feelings are not more important than yours and whether she feels angry or not she should try to be more possitive toward you.
I know what it is like to be put in the mother role and it is a hard one to get out of. You have taught her not to trust your judgement or abilities and although you are doing better it may take her some time to adjust. Also sometimes just trying is not good enough. I dont want to sound down on you, but if she wants the house really clean and she cleans that way then you might need to step it up. If you were really particular on grammar and she wouldnt stop saying aint you would get frustrated right?
Dont get me wrong. I am on your side. Couples need communication! She needs to hear you and be considerate. She needs to realize that you dont want to over do everything, but she doesnt care what I say. She didnt ask, so I can only give you advice.
First of all sorry your going through a tough time. Honestly a man that wants to listen and go to counseling and make things better is not easily found. hence why I'm here! lol. She sounds like shes a control freak. I personally like things done my way but shes not willing to talk or listen and then blows up, knows shes wrong for it but trys to justify it with "its how i feel"..NOT COOL. Communication is one of the most important things a marriage needs. If everything else is not so good, communication usually gets you through the rough times.
I agree with a above suggestion, dont let her walk all over you. Put your foot down with her. She needs to realize that you are trying and willing to make her happy but it takes two.
Plus I'm sure buying a home with her makes it all even more of a reason your stressed.
Seems like the wife is the root of the problem!!!
