General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I met my husband just before my 19th birthday. So, 20 years ago. We've been married 17 and have a 16 and 13 year old, both boys.
He had two affairs. One, a physcial one that lasted 7 years. He would say 5 because they were 'just friends' for 2 but I get veto on that one. It's 7. The other one was a sick, twisted game of emails that would have ended up in bed. This woman got off on seducing married men and then dumping them. It also went on for years.
I decided to leave him due to the emotional abuse and his alcoholism. I had no idea about the affair. I spent months putting myself back together after a total nervous breakdown I had suffered. I actually discovered the affair and surpressed it. I had no memory of that until later.
I thought if I got a great job I would prove to him that I was worthy of him and we would reunite. The day I got said job was when I discovered the email affair. My best day and worst day all in one day. A week later I rediscovered the physical affair and didn't surpress it. I got him to admit it about a week after that. I had to 'f*ck' it out of him. I felt so dirty and cheap but he finally told me.
I left a few weeks later and I immediately starting dating. It was pure revenge sex and I regret it. That was June 08.
January 09 we decide to 'work it out'. We go to marriage therapy, individual therapy. For months. He still lies to me about the affair although I am sure it is over, I would like the truth. He tells me in July. He continues to blame me, as I am bad with finances. Sure, if he had slept with an accountant that would make sense. More lies, I can't take it and I am completely losing it. He is uncaring and unfeeling. I ask for a break.
We are on a break, he is being a prick. A pain about the visitation with the kids, not helping with the school stuff.
This past Sunday, he brings the kids back and we talk. He tells me how scared he is as he thinks he is being laid off. We bond and I open myself up to him, we do the 'hysterical bonding sex' all night. I hand-hold him through Monday until he finds out he's not laid off. Then, BOOM he's cold. WTF? We have a fight on the phone.
I call him tonight to straighten some issues out. I am calm, reasonable. I explain to him how I feel about marriage, how it is precious and I didn't respect it and I want to do that now. I completely lay out my soul to him.
He tells me how he likes being alone. He thinks living with me is scary, he would rather be happy than a full-time dad to his sons, but he loves me like crazy and I can be his weekend girlfriend if I want. He also doesn't know if he will ever be ready to live with me again.
The kicker: He is over the affair. He doesn't feel guilty and he's forgiven himself. My pain that I feel so acutely, is manipulative and I am trying to make him feel guilty. How dare I!
Mentioning his sons, is manipulative. Mentioning how he needs to make amends with me is manipulative.
Did I mention that his therapist has a terrible opinon of me, even though we've never met, and she has been poisoning him against me? I know this because she would talk to my therapist who was our marriage therapist and I would hear from her what she said. I had to fire my therapist and get a new one because of it.
I started the conversation with how I am ready to be married and want a relationship and I want to move on to ending it with asking for a divorce.
I have never been so sad in all my life. He stole my dreams yet again.
Here's the final piece: It is my birthday next Tuesday. He never gave me anything as I didn't 'deserve' it, I was such a crappy wife. My 33rd birthday was spent hiding behind the couch while he punched holes in the walls, broke my things and ripped up my clothes. He promised to make it up to me this year. This was the year that I was LOVED. I now have to book the Tuesay off work because the highlight of my birthday will be work-cake and I don't want my day spent crying.
How do I heal from this? How do I stop loving a man who loves himself more than his family? How do I fill this gaping void in my soul?
Sounds like you suffer more from a need to please him than from actual love. Afterall, what's to love? He's an alcholic, self-centered (goes w/alcoholic all too often), selfish (same), game-playing (same), blamer (same), who makes himself the victim when he's the one who is the perpetrator.
He stole the best day of your life from you (though honestly, he stole a lot of potential best days from you, didn't he).
He stole your self-worth.
What you need to do is get good and angry, because that's what you should be at this point. You should be angry that he took so much from you and then blames you for his behavior.
I am angry. I am hurt and pissed and angry. I just wish that I wasn't angry at myself for not getting over this guy! I thought when he quit drinking he would change, what a fool I was. He just got worse.
You don't love him; you need something from him--his approval or maybe even his abuse. You will get past this if you move on, and continue counseling. You have a "victim" mentality and you give him power over you. When you learn to stop that, you'll be on your way to recovery.
To stop being angry at yourself, look at yourself as though you are giving advice to another person. You would never encourage that person to beat up on themselves b/c they made mistakes, would you? You'd be supportive and forgiving. When you find yourself thinking negative thoughts about yourself, switch to this "mentor" role and tell yourself what you'd tell a friend. After a while, being kind and supportive to yourself will become second nature. It's a great strategy that I found worked really well for me!
Okay, I find now that when friends and family are trying to tell me what to do I can't bear to hear it because they don't know what it's like. But, maybe if I tell myself I'll listen.
How do I heal from this???
