Should I give up

CtotheAtotheZ · 09-30-2009, 07:35 AM

Hiya all,

I met my b/friend on the internet 4 years ago now. We live 150 miles apaprt, I live with my children (teenagers) and he lived with his elderly mother. He is self employed and never has any spare money. He has promised to move ever since we met but remains there. He also has an ex wife whom he has a daughter with who he is constantly trying to please. He lets me down quite a lot and can never make any engagements unless they fall on a weekend. He recently made plans to move here and get his own place (starting off renting and then hopefuuly buying). He moved here and spent a week in my house, looked at some houses to rent and then decided that he would still go 'home' to his mothers each Friday so that he could be up early to go and see his daughter each saturday and then back up on a Saturday night. We then had an argument, he left, abused me verbally and carried on his business again back living with his mum. He came to see me last weekend and he is taking me out this weekend and he is acting as if nothing is different.
I know people will say dump him and that he is messing me around but when we are together we get on really well. every time I try and call it off he tells me he loves me like he has never loved anyone else then we fall out, he gets nasty, make up and then get back in this mad situation. The other problem is that I don't want to live with anyone as I am happy as I am but he says if I loved him he could move in with me. I say at 45 he should be living independantly but because he lives for 'free' at his mothers I think he has it too cushy.
Has anyone been in a smilary situation.

Loving Husband · 09-30-2009, 07:38 AM

no but think you should move on. This doesn't seem like a relationship in ANY way. Look around for somebody closer to you. If your struggling with a relationship now how would it be if together?? You guys don't even know each other really..

lastinline · 09-30-2009, 07:53 AM

[QUOTE=CtotheAtotheZ;90815]Hiya all,

I know people will say dump him and that he is messing me around but when we are together we get on really well. every time I try and call it off he tells me he loves me like he has never loved anyone else then we fall out, he gets nasty, make up and then get back in this mad situation.

Wow, do you ever really quiet your mind and listen to yourself?
Why do you suppose people will say "dump him"? Could you entertain the notion, that perhaps they will tell you that because it's actually sound advice?

Also, if he "gets nasty", you don't get along well, unless that's code speak for "hot and bothered", and I don't suppose that it is. The whole scenario you have described is a train wreck Casey Jones. Do everyone in your life a favor, especially your teenagers, and "get the heck off the tracks."

JamesM · 09-30-2009, 08:37 AM

First off, you are thinking that people will say "give up" and "dump him" because IMO this is what a big part of you is saying.

Second, dumping him does not equal giving up necessarily. From what you say, you have tried quite a bit. Giving up suggest failure, and it doesn't appear that failure applies here.

Third, it takes too to make a relationship work. When one does not do his or her part, then it means that the other needs to be patient and try to reignite the fire for the other, or decide that this relationship is not viable and move on. Moving on as was said by Loving Husband, is not giving up.

dobo · 09-30-2009, 09:50 AM

Too many women in his life to compete with. He's married to his mommy.

And, you don't really love him. You don't want to live with him.

So why are you complaining that he's away from you?

What exactly do you want? Him to move to be close to you but not live with you? Why should he do that for a woman who doesn't love him?

swedish · 09-30-2009, 10:26 AM

If he is living at his mom's for free and still has no extra money, he either does not earn enough to live on or his spending is out of control. Either way, not something I'd get caught up in if I were a single mom raising my teens.

I think you are both in two different places. He seems content living with his mom and also needs to be part of his daughter's life. Moving near you is probably too risky for him and IMO letting him move in with you is too risky for you.

I would either keep things status quo or if that is not enough, move on.

CtotheAtotheZ · 10-01-2009, 03:22 AM

Thanks to everyone who has posted