17 years is a long time, my husband and I just had our 20th anniversary. It is very easy to fall out of love...but after that long there should at least be a strong bond as parents and best friends that would sustain the marriage. I think my husband is going through what you are feeling and I don't know how to help him or stop him. Do you really feel that falling out of love is grounds for divorce? I'm trying to determine how he is feeling thru you, so any advice you can give me would be appreciated. What is the best thing he could do for you that would convince you to stay? Or once you reach a point is there no turning back...is it the old saying "If you love him set him free, if he comes back"........blah blah blah!!
I say go with Good Husband's advice. I have been married 16 years , and at one time I thought almost the same way. We went to a marriage retreat by accident. Best accident to ever happened.
I am so glad we are still together. I just knew that I was going to cut ties and be a "Man ***** "-could not see myself another 16 years. I would have been a selfish ass-Don't split-work it out. I tell ya it would have screwed up my kids too.
Almost all marriages go through a rut to some degree. Sometimes both spouses drift, sometimes one does, but I'll tell you right now. As long as both people choose to try to turn things around (and there's nothing like abuse or infidelity in the way) it's really pretty easy. You fell in love once, were full of passion and intimacy once, you can be again. As long as you are both committed to try and find that excitement with each other, the odds are greatly in your favor. And it's really not too hard to make that commitment. Even as the one who really feels something important is missing, you can easily make that commitment. You can either chose to break up the family and start all over from square one, or you can decide to keep the family and turn your marriage from boring to phenomenal. You think you can find passion and intimacy only with another relationship? Remember that the passion NEVER lasts without work. You may leave your husband and find someone else, then in a few years (at best) that honeymoon feeling will end as well. Then what? Divorce again to find yet someone else? As already pointed out, the grass is rarely greener on the the other side (and second marriages have a much higher divorce rate that first ones.)
The biggest thing going for you is that your husband is not in the same place as you and really wants things to work. If you chose to try and resurrect your marriage, you won't have to convince your husband and will have a willing participant in changing things, so you'll already be a step up on those who are on the other end who are trying desperately to find a way to connect with a spouse who has already checked out.
Think about a few things. What do you want to do alone or with another man that you can't do with your husband? Go out drinking at a club? Go on cool vacation to the Bahamas with no kids? Have a passionate night doing things you've never done in bed? Really, what is it you feel you are missing that you can't find ways to do in your current marriage? Swedish was right, your kids are starting to get older, and the more they do, the more freedom you and your husband will have to grow the passion and intimacy in your life.
I've said this a couple times before elsewhere. There is only one limit to passion in a marriage, and that's the limit of your imagination. If you can't figure out how to spark each other's fire, you're not thinking very hard about it.
People seem to think that when the passion fades, that means you've lost something and need to go find it somewhere else. Often people think "the fire's out, I just don't feel the same way about him/her as I used to and I don't think I can." People accept their feelings without really putting forward the effort to change them. They think the easier path is to just search fresh, but in reality starting over is much harder. Everything you've lost you've already had once with your husband. You can find it again without looking any further than your own home. All you need to do is open up yourself and talk to your husband. Really spend time thinking about what might be missing, what you feel would add intimacy and passion into your life, and tell you husband those things and talk it over with him about how to meet those needs together.
One of the things you need to do is stop projecting. People do this all the time. "I don't want the next [x] many years to be like the last!" You're projecting that the future is going to be the same as the past so you're already coming at this from a depressed/negative "there's no hope" stand point. So stop worrying about the future. Think about what step will make you happier today, and then just DO IT. Talk is cheep. The both of you need to brainstorm every passionate intimate idea you can come up with and commit to doing them now.
I have a major recommendation for you. You'll get some good ideas here, assuming you decide to listen to our advice, but really you should visit your local B&N or Borders and go to the Relationship section. If you decide that it's at least worth a shot to find that passion again with a man you already love, you will find a bunch of books that deal 100% with restoring passion to a dull marriage. As long as you and your husband are both open to putting the passion of your marriage first, you should have no problems getting all that back and more.
Well having been on the other side of this I hope my insight will help you. I have been married for 15 years but together with him for a total of 22. He nearly left the marriage, he wouldn't say he wasn't "in love with me" and he kept saying he would always love me but something was missing. Well it was...fidelity. He was feeling a huge amount of guilt for what he had done. I asked him if he found the missing something with the affair and he said suprisingly not. In fact it made everything worse. I tried everything (before I knew about the affair) to reconnect and he didn't really respond. When he admitted to this, we definately reconnected but have to deal with this issue of pain and trust...
My point is you might feel you are missing something but finding it might mean searching inside yourself. He stopped doing the things for me that were caring and loving. Love takes work, you have to nurture it, not neglect it. It may be you both neglected it. Given that you have children that is probably most likely the case. We did, we stopped enjoying each other and living.
I suggest that you find some kind of hobby/interest you would both like to do. Try to connect again over that. Have date night. You have to first see if you can reconnect with him before you call it quits. If you end it and don't find what you are looking for, you've hurt him and your family and its too late. Try to reconnect to him and see if you don't fall back in love.
Quote:
Originally Posted by janice68
We have been married for 17 years and I just feel like there is so much more out there for me. I love my husband, but am not "in love" with him... there is no passion...no romance. We have 2 children 10 and 15 yr old. 17 years is a long time but I just dont want to spend the next 17 wishing I had gotten out of this while I could. Right now we are talking about splitting up and he is begging for it not to happen. If I back down, I could be in this same place years from now. Any advice is greatly appreciated..
We have been married for 17 years and I just feel like there is so much more out there for me. I love my husband, but am not "in love" with him... there is no passion...no romance. We have 2 children 10 and 15 yr old. 17 years is a long time but I just dont want to spend the next 17 wishing I had gotten out of this while I could. Right now we are talking about splitting up and he is begging for it not to happen. If I back down, I could be in this same place years from now. Any advice is greatly appreciated..
My mom and dad have been married for 30 years and had been having lots of problems. So finally they decided to separate..not legally, just on there own, and agreed to give it a year before they decided to go for the divorce. After 6 months they were missing each other like crazy and happy again! And if you would rather not do that maybe just getting out together doing new things and having fun could better the relationship.
Re: After 17 years is it wrong to just want out?
