Ok, I'm sure there are past threads about this issue, but I search "guilt and ex" and I get a zillion threads, so please indulge me if I repeat and/or feel free to send me other threads.
Some advice please? I'm feeling guilty over my new husband's ex-wife. Their marriage ended when he left her after 15+ years, mostly because of their own issues (she was very verbally aggressive and emotionally cold to him), but also in part, because of our friendship, which developed into a relationship. Now, two years after their separation, every time I run into her in town or we hear from her (which we do from time to time as they have 2 teenagers together) I feel this yucky mix of guilt and anger. Honestly, she looks terrible... she looks constantly exhausted and she has aged probably 10 years in 2 years. She is in her late 30s, has actually lost a lot of weight, which she indeed needed to lose as she was quite big, but now she looks like this empty shell. I think maybe she is starving herself (she has a diagnosed eating disorder). Her behavior is fine, generally. She doesn't seem depressed, gets out and about and is dating. She is not aggressive or anything when I see her, and I am nice to her, so the problem is not really in actions, it is in my thinking.
I just feel she is so pathetic, and also I think I am angry both at past abuse she has heaped on my Husband and also that she has not managed to pull herself together and move on and be happy in her life. How do you deal with this guilt and anger? She is this negative dragging down presence in the back of my mind, that gets pulled forward every time I run into her, which seems to be a lot lately. Ugh. She is not the devil, she is a perfectly reasonable human being and she has friends who like her etc..., but their marriage had definitely gone bad, and now I only see the negative things about her because of the situation.
It no longer bothers my husband at all, he has sealed her off, which makes sense in some ways because of all the abuse she tossed his way. But, I haven't shut her out that way. I need to I know, but I'm not sure how to do it.
So, help me, how do I ditch this feeling? What has worked for you in getting rid of guilt?