Is my husband lying about emotional affair?
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Old 10-08-2009, 01:07 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Is my husband lying about emotional affair?

Just looking for some opinions. While I was away on vacation my husband started talking about a new young female coworker non-stop. She then called our home one time and stated to my husband she was sorry she left the sheets a mess!! He said this was a joke. She called him one day when I was driving him to work and asked why he wasn't there yet and his reply was "My wife doesn't let me out"! which is by far not true. She cried on his shoulder about a married older man (my husband is older by 20 years than she) she was dating and thought she might be pregnant. I asked my husband to stop hanging around her so much as she appeared to be trouble and he volunteered to remove her direct connect # from his phone.

Well I let everything go and 6 months later I find a direct connect # with no name in his notebook of his phone which I borrowed since my phone was on the blink. I beep it and a female answers. When I get home I tell him what I found and he states "You'll just have to deal with it" and goes to bed. The next morning I ask him if perhaps our son might have used his phone or one of his friends. He says no and doesn't know who the # belongs to. We drive to the store and he tells me to go inside, he will be right in. Several minutes later he comes in and says he now knows who's # it is. Well, it happens to be the young female coworker and I ask why he didn't call the # in front of me. He says he doesn't know why and doesn't know how her # got there he just recognized her voice. I look at the phone bill and discover that when my husband was supposed to be in town helping his friend when I was away on business, the tower the phone connected to when I called was nowhere near where he was supposed to be but a tower 25 miles away in a town right near where she lives but he states he was nowhere near there. There are other little things but I don't want to go on and on.

Can anyone give me their opinions on this. He states she wasn't even a good friend of his and nothing ever happened? She still works there although in another building and it bothers me. Am I making a big deal about nothing?
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Old 10-08-2009, 01:12 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is my husband lying about emotional affair?

Keep you eye out and go with your gut! Sounds suspicious but who knows.
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Old 10-08-2009, 01:18 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is my husband lying about emotional affair?

Definitely keep watch. He's flattered by the attention but more than that, he knows she's not afraid of married men. You can probably put a voice activated recording device into his car...
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Old 10-08-2009, 01:47 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is my husband lying about emotional affair?

Something is definitely suspicious. I had a bad feeling about his behavior from reading your post (past experience). Go with your gut.
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Old 10-08-2009, 02:07 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is my husband lying about emotional affair?

a marriage is defined by trust and honesty.

your husband has lied to you and broken trust.

and his dishonesty and broken trust all revolve around a younger woman.

what more you need to know

i'm sorry.

can trust be regained? i'm told it can, but i still have my doubts.

but surly trust cannot be regained unless and until your husband tells you the whole truth.
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Old 10-08-2009, 02:27 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is my husband lying about emotional affair?

Thank you everyone for your opinions. I've tried asking several times but am told if I am looking for a different answer I am not going to get it so I'll just be patient and see what happens I guess.
What else can I do.
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Old 10-08-2009, 02:57 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is my husband lying about emotional affair?

well, you could tell your husband that he's insulting your intelligence by not being honest with you.

you could tell him that you're frightened for your marriage.

you could tell him that until he mans up with the truth he can sleep on the couch.

you could sign up for some counseling to work through these issues.

or, you could tell yourself that these myriad events and happenings are all just very very odd coincidences.

but it may take some form of artificial stimulation to reach that level of denial.

you seem like a good person.

you don't deserve this kind of heartache.
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Old 10-08-2009, 03:58 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is my husband lying about emotional affair?

BTW, how do you know about the sheets comment? Did she leave a message on the machine or something?
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Old 10-08-2009, 05:39 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is my husband lying about emotional affair?

He told me about the phone call - I believe he may have been nervous because my mother and daughter were there when the call came in.
I just wonder as there have been lies about things in the past (not this type of thing though) to which he has sworn the truth then many years later told me he knew I knew he was lying but he had to lie anyway. Weird.
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Old 10-09-2009, 11:49 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is my husband lying about emotional affair?

That's a strange thing to tell your wife. Very strange. Honestly, right at that moment I would have called the girl myself and asked her what the hell that comment meant.

Lying is a peace-keeping mechanism. A very bad one. They undermine trust in a big way. So even though the lies weren't about important/big things, you can't help but wonder when one of these lies is going to be about something important. If he can't tell the truth about dumb things, you have no confidence he'll tell you the truth in something like this. I wish people understood how damaging small lies are to the big picture.
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Old 10-09-2009, 01:51 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is my husband lying about emotional affair?

Thanks Dobo. That's exactly how I feel. Hard to know when he is telling the truth now. And as recent cloud stated, there were so many coincidences that I honestly think he is lying. The weird thing is I would be upset if something happened but realize we are all human and we all make mistakes. It's the lies that are making me sick the most. It's hurtful to think he cannot confide in me. I try to be an understanding person and I truly love my husband. We have been married 22 years and has never done anything else like this. He has been a great father to our 4 children and really I don't have any other issues with him. We did go to therapy for awhile but he would not say anything else about it just that I am never going to get a different answer. He is allowing me to look at his cell phone whenever I want now and really trying to work on things but it's the not knowing that makes me crazy and the weird thing about the lies and me knowing he's lying. I can't figure that out.
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Old 10-09-2009, 01:57 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is my husband lying about emotional affair?

Have you thought about talking to her?
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Old 10-09-2009, 02:02 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is my husband lying about emotional affair?

he is a terrible liar!! Kick him to the curb, find someone else who understands what being faithful means....
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Old 10-09-2009, 02:04 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is my husband lying about emotional affair?

I can never figure out if you're singing into an invisible mic or if you're really sick there, Harvard.
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Old 10-09-2009, 02:25 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is my husband lying about emotional affair?

I wouldn't bother. What with her moral ethics I doubt very much she would tell me the truth. Besides I feel it's my husband's responsibility - he's the married one - she's not. My main concern at this point is how he can look me right in the eye and lie to me holding true to his story for so long (as with other issues) when he knows I know he is lying??? I wonder if there isn't something wrong with him? Is this something that could have started in childhood? It is also very hard for me to understand because I have a hard time lying - it's just a waste of time to me - one lie leads to another - you have to remember what you lied about, etc., etc. What a waste of time and energy, right??
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