mdistefano82

I love my wife to death. I am just curious is anyone has any advice on the following...

I teach Brazillian Jiu jitsu and grappling for MMA, so fitness has to be a huge priority. For me, it is easy to be in optimum shape because I enjoy what I do and have never found working out a problem. Also, I don't eat processed foods, drink soda or beer, don't really enjoy sweets, etc.

I don't expect my wife to be as diligent as me. I think she is a beautiful person but really doesn't try to look her best. She doesn't find it important because she is "fine". It has been a huge distractor in our marriage because I can't get her to see where I am coming from. Its not so much the end result as it is the effort. She knows what I naturally find attractive and doesn't try to acheive it because its not a big deal to her. She will admit that I look far better than I did out of college. I didn't work out and wasn't training back then. However, she can't see the other side that I think its totally sexy for a spouse to really work on something for the other person, no matter what area of life it is. She said she got it once upon a time, but seems to have forgotten. I want her to understand my point of view. I am not like some guys who will belittle and I don't want her to try to be a model. I want her to be healthy most importantly and I don't think she cares about her own health as much as I do. Again, I am looking for effort because she knows its important to me, even if I don't bring it up at all any more.

I am just frustrated that I do a lot I don't like for her and this one area has really affected our sexual and overall relationship. Thanks for any advice.

M

Deejo

Your post could have gone off the rails in hundreds of ways, but I think you conveyed your message concisely and respectfully. Nicely done.

I happen to share your perspective. Health, fitness, and appearance are important to me. It's easy for those elements to be pigeon-holed into "shallow".
If your wife has a healthy body-image, that is great for her. I recognize that many women struggle with their appearance. So, consequently that makes your situation more challenging - and in my opinion more threatening to the long-term well being of your marriage. You have incorporated wellness into your lifestyle, a lifestyle that your spouse apparently doesn't share to the same extent.

I would think your best bet would be to attempt to engage her in becoming more proactive, by suggesting it as together time. Exercise together, prepare meals together, that sort of thing. You both benefit.

If she isn't interested, or feels hurt that you don't simply accept her for who she is ... that presents yet another hurdle. If you ignore the issue because you know it bothers her - you will resent her. If she goes hardcore for you, but isn't really invested for herself, she will eventually resent you.

Your solution will hopefully be somewhere in the middle, with a compromise. Obviously, if your lifestyles continue diverging, so will the bond between you.

sisters359

Oh, please. Cut the crap. You want her to look as hot as you think you look. You do not find her attractive as she is. VERY few men have problems being sexually attracted to their wives if (a) they love them and (b) she isn't obese. Most are even ok with extra weight.

If she is healthy from a medical p.o.v., what is the issue? You say it isn't about wanting a "model," but you bring up how fit you are, as though that is relevant to how she should be--very fit. So you are contradicting yourself. I suspect your wife sees through this, too.

You really don't have a leg to stand on if it's about being healthy. If her doc is satisfied with her health, why aren't you? Furthermore, you have found a source of pleasure in your endeavors; great. You do things you don't like b/c you think it pleases her--fine, to an extent. What if she wanted you to devote significant time to something you really didn't like--say, scrapbooking? As much time as it takes to stay as fit as you stay? How would you feel about that?

You are not asking her to do something to be healthy; you are trying to get her to be healthy in the way YOU define it, which just HAPPENS to result in a high level of fitness. Yeah, right; this IS about how hot she looks from your narrow p.o.v.

We each have to decide for ourselves what is "healthy enough." Few people choose to be dxtra fit just b/c of the health benefits--they do it b/c they also get a charge out of looking hot. That's fine, as long as you don't impose this standard on others.

So ask yourself, seriously, what level of fitness do you really want from her? Would walking 30 minutes a day be sufficient? I suspect not b/c it isn't going to lead to the look you want her to have. Real fitness takes a lot of time, and it is unrealistic to expect someone to do it who doesn't enjoy it.

Also, we should not do something requiring a significant time commitment just to please another person. Life is too short. We need to do what makes us happy and if you cannot accept her for who she is, you DO have a big problem, and it is not her "unwillingness to be healthy."

MEM11363

you are 100 percent in the right. it is very hard to have this conversation AFTER you marry. If you have it before marriage, it goes very differently. I posted something on fitness/weight in another thread. The thing is - this one was important enough that it could have effected my marriage decision. Some people really feel strongly that once you say 'I DO' that means you are allowed to stop making an effort to be attractive.

knortoh

I get from your post that what is attractive to you is both the idea and the results of taking care of yourself - I don't think this is at all unreasonable you are honest and clear - I think Deejo made some great suggestions....it may require all your skills to pull this one off - so take a subtle approach -

mdistefano82

it really has nothing to do with "hotness". it has to do with the fact that something that is important to me can sometimes be disregarded because it isn't important to her. (i also hold the view that chemicals are placed in our food that cause various forms of cancer, etc, so i don't like it when people eat things that have a ton of pesticides in it...she doesn't care about it much). Watch "the future of food" if you are curious. and no, it isn't like "super size me". because she has told me that "I find you more attractive now than when you weren't fit" tells me that she gets it. yet, because i am the man who is fit, i must be "shallow". i don't want this to turn into something where I am just here bashing her in order to defend myself from your obvious annoyance with my post. i don't know if you have been hurt maybe by someone who belittled you but that is not my intent here. I am looking for advice so if coming on here and bashing me helps you feel good about yourself, then so be it. i am not shallow. my huge struggle is that i get mixed messages. she has asked me to help her with food purchasing, with "training" her. she voices that she wants to lose weight and that she wants me to "push" her. however, it goes in cycles. one day, she wants me to help. the next, she gets frustrated that I try to motivate her to go to the gym with me. I don't know. whatever

knortoh

That sounds tricky -
it's such a fraught issue for her - at the end of the day YOU can't make her be motivated to lose weight/get fit....
it's her thing...
I have been through a horrible separation and I had been unhappy with my fitness and image prior to this - it was an issue for my H but he'd never told me -
I am honestly grateful that I have now realised that looking after myself is MY business and I can't ever expect anyone else to motivate me -
keep on working on how to not turn this into a 'resentment' issue - it is frustrating

mdistefano82

thank you to all who have put in some valuable input. i am not on here b-s ing anyone. if i were just shallow, i wouldn't come onto a forum seeking advice while lying about it. i feel as if because my issue with this is easily classified as "shallow" that there is nothing i can do. a few months ago, she voiced that she needed more romance. i don't, but SHE did. i didn't get offended. i was really busy and had put romance on the back burner. i then made sure i wasn't so busy and concentrated on the small things that i did when we dated and first got married. it wasn't that important to me as an individual but because it was to our relationship and to her, i gladly did it. that is what i expect. i am a simple man. this, to me, is as important as communicating, romance, finances, etc. i don't want to resent her and i don't want her to just think i'm shallow. the way i think about it is "why wouldn't you WANT to look as good as you can for your spouse?" it really should have nothing to do with me. I know, physically, what she wants from me. whether i trained MMA or not, I would WANT and CHOOSE to give that to her. I understand things can sound shallow when talking about this, but women and men who don't just bury it and call others shallow. that is way worse in my opinion. yet, those who actually say something in a sensitive manner get demonized. weird.

Deejo

I thought you'd dodge that kind of response. So much for laying out the issue with tact ...

lastinline

Tough one boss. I too am a martial artist and have been so for many years. My wife is a runner, and a racquet ball player. She is a fit and athletic woman. I find her very attractive, but honestly she largely exercises for her and to be truthful, I largely exercise for me. What I am saying is that I think it's great that you are a mixed martial artist, but ultimately you do it because you love it. That you look good with the lights on is just a side effect she benefits from. Rather than chastise her for being a sloth, find a mode of exercise that she enjoys as much as you enjoy MMA. Give her an evening or two to take some salsa classes, or sign her up to learn how to scuba dive. Heck, even get her a gym membership and give her a few "down hours" by herself to go and train without the kids each week. You'll see in short order that she will discover something that she's passionate about, and the "other thing" that's hanging you up will solve for itself. P.S. they don't "poison our food", try washing it before you eat it and you'll be fine. The per capita incidence of cancer is actually dropping in this country. Look it up. Best of luck MMA brutha. LIL

mdistefano82

thanks. we have a gym membership. i would love it if she found something she was passionate about that had the side effect of looking good with the lights on. i did start working out for me. however, quickly after, she commented that I looked great. so, that fueled me to keep training. i then found MMA and jiu jitsu. that helped me get more in shape. my point, is that we have a gym membership, i ask that she buys healthy food for me (as I am lactose intoleratant, and have an overall sensitive stomach), and give her every opportunity to work out...with and without me, and she doesn't follow through with her own goals she sets out, and asks me to help with...sometimes...while getting annoyed when i do...sometimes...it is hit or miss. (sorry about the run on sentence).

ps. you can't wash genetically modified food. i am talking about the company monsanto foods. there food is the majority of what is in grocery stores and their produce is considered a pesticide because they have patented a certain gene which allows them to take over the entire food industry. it is a scary film. they breed the food to kill pests when they eat it. not sure on the cancer stats, but either way, there is scary stuff out there that our government allows.

recent_cloud

you wife most likely agrees with you about exercising to just stop the discussion because she sees her position as indefensible from a logical point of view.

who wouldn't want to look better?

feel better?

but all of that is so not the point.

it's great you claim you're now in shape and eating healthy etc.

but your wife, like many many people, just isn't into it.

and so you're not negotiating with your wife, you're right fighting.

she's just not into the health fitness thing.

she wasn't when you married her

she isn't now.

leave her alone.

let her be.

it's her body and she'll do or not do with it what she will.

and sister359, myohmy let me know when it's safe to come out again

sisters359

You obviously don't get it. You think you have a right to JUDGE her BODY. You think that if she loved you, she would CHANGE HER BODY to please you. Women who change their bodies to please men are generally pathetic creatures (I was one). A woman who loves the body God gave her, who takes care of it so that she is healthy (and a doctor determines that, not you), who revels in what is unique and feminine about herself--this is a woman to treasure.

She has not disregarded something of yours--your religion, your hobby, your career. She has disregarded YOUR judgment of how SHE should look. If you cannot see the essential difference in this, oh, well. I tried.

sisters359

oh, puhleeze, rc, you should see the post I deleted! how funny to see you just used the phrase I finally settled on, "It's her body." Geezus, she's not "fit." Does anyone have any idea of what it takes to get "fit" or to look "AS GOOD AS SHE CAN"? BTDT and bought the T-shirt. It took too much time and attracted too many shallow men. Now I settle for basic good health. My "stats" (bp, heart rate, etc.) are to die for (haha). yet I'm slightly overweight. hmm, guess I'm not looking "as good as I can." Thank god. Had enough Shallow Hals in my day.

Most guys think their wives look hot with the lights on, absent obesity. I didn't hear that complaint, so I have no idea what's wrong with this chick's body. Three nipples, maybe?

ChimeIn

Is it possible that the issue really isn't fitness, i.e. "hotness?" YOU think this is important and want time & energy devoted to this aspect of your life together as a couple... so therefore you want HER to feel the same way. I think that's what keeps most couples together. You need to have that common link. My husband and I always laugh about the Chris Rock comedy routine, where he says "Two Jesus-freaks can stay together forever... but you can't have one person be a Jesus-freak and the other be a crack head! It just won't work! One can't say I'm off to church and the other say I'm gonna hit the pipe!"

It's just a comedy routine but the heart of it is very real. If she doesn't share a basic interest in something you find very important, you're going to find it hard to communicate.

And I agree with recent_cloud who says we would all like to look better and feel better... but there are other thing we want more. You don't mention if you have kids, is your wife a student, working, etc., what are her other priorities?

The only think I feel that you can do is to keep enjoying the fitness level you've found, and keep encouraging her to try and find hers. If she wants to try bellydancing, so be it. If she wants to try rock climbing, buy her a harness and be excited for her. But she may never have the same level of enjoyment that you seem to have.

One other thing... you say "I do a lot I don't like for her and this one area has really affected our sexual and overall relationship."

Why continue doing something (anything) you don't like? Life is too short... do what you enjoy. I hope you can do it with the woman you love : )