Late night phone calls...need opinions...
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Old 10-12-2009, 10:46 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Late night phone calls...need opinions...

My wife has Fibro and Chronic Fatigue which causes her to have problems sleeping.

She recently re-connected with an “old” HS friend using facebook. He happens to have insomnia. He is also married and recently celebrated a 10 year anniversary (Facebook knowledge).

Over the last month I’ve figured out that they talk for an average of about 45 minutes per day on the phone together – usually late at night after I’ve gone to bed.

She says they are just friends and are both glad to have found someone to talk to given they both have sleeping problems.

Scale of 1-10 – 1 begin don’t sweat it and 10 being call a lawyer – how upset about this particular issue should I be?

If you remember me at all – please ignore my prior posts. Things have changed in the last 2 months.
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Old 10-12-2009, 10:57 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Late night phone calls...need opinions...

How have things changed?
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Old 10-12-2009, 11:08 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Late night phone calls...need opinions...

She's was going out of her way to secretly text a guy I don't like or trust.

She's now talking to a guy I don't know and not hiding it.

I wasn't suprised they were talking - but was suprised by the frequency and amount of time spent on the phone.
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Old 10-12-2009, 11:17 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Late night phone calls...need opinions...

I'll give it an 8, that is a giant red flag that should not be ignored. If you do not put an end to this quick things will slowly turn into an affair.
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Old 10-12-2009, 11:19 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Late night phone calls...need opinions...

Which part is the red flag? What if it was 1 or 2 times a week? Or what if it was during the day when I'm at work instead of at night?

I used to always think that men and women could be just friends - but I'm so confused and turned around that I don't know what to think anymore.
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Old 10-12-2009, 11:26 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Late night phone calls...need opinions...

She is doing things in secret, with another man. Man up and stop it.
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Old 10-12-2009, 11:27 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Late night phone calls...need opinions...

Men and women CAN just be friends, Is your wife open with you about these calls and texts? Tell you when they happen? What they discussed? Or is she sneaky?

It's funny that what you described could be a 1 if she is open and honest or an 8 if she's secretive. Same exact activity. Go to the infidelity section. There are more posts (by far) re: internet/emotional affairs than there are physical relationships.
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Old 10-12-2009, 11:40 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Late night phone calls...need opinions...

My opinion is thus: if it causes strife in your marriage then it needs to go away for the sake of the marriage. Some people have marriages where it is accepted that either can have friends of the opposite sex with no issues, some don't like that, heck some even have open marriages. The point is it really doesn't matter which one you have so long as you BOTH feel the same way about it.

For me relationships with members of the opposite sex is a no-no. Even if it's innocent it can feel awful to the other person, maybe they say nothing to you about it, but they still harbor feelings of jealousy. Why go there? Why put yourself in any situation which has even the potential to become compromising? Also just because your wife is innocent about it, doesn't mean he will be. Why should you be in any position in which you have to wonder all these things?

Explain to her how it makes you feel. I don't know who you are or what posts of yours I should ignore or what's different now, but I sense there may have been some history here with inappropriateness in one form or another from one of you already. If so then yes this is going to be "emotionally triggering" behavior. I totally recognize this is just me and my 2 cents here, but this could turn into a real problem. This is why members of the opposite sex should not empathize with one another while they are already in relationships, it creates the potential to turn into something not appropriate and it screws with your thoughts and feelings even if it doesn't.

There are forums like this one for people with sleeping disorders, there are chat groups, there is approximately half of the global population that is female that she can talk to. People occupied themselves with things when they couldn't sleep before the advent of the internet.There are plenty of alternatives.

This could be a very big red flag, I'd say 5 to 8 depending on how much it affects you and how much it affects your marriage.
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Old 10-12-2009, 11:48 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Late night phone calls...need opinions...

I give it an 8.

If she were doing it in front of you, that may be different. But she has purposely hid this type of thing from you before and is known to be secretive. Based on that alone, she shouldn't be talking to men, alone, in the middle of the night.

She needs to find another hobby. She's getting something from these texts and conversations with other men.
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Old 10-12-2009, 07:20 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Late night phone calls...need opinions...

It really does depend on how she is handling it. If she continues to only talk in secret then there is an EA going on.. If she can talk in front of you with him then its closer to a 1.. Evereybody should have friends but there is a line and everybody knows that line. Once friendships become more romantic in talks. IE sex talk or being intimate. Then it's down a dangerous road. Especially if you guys are having problems in your marriage she could be wanting to fill that void...
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Old 10-13-2009, 08:28 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Late night phone calls...need opinions...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Atholk View Post
Half right. Women can be just friends with men because they have no sexual impulse towards lame duck men willing to be friendboxed.

Men always, always, always, always, always, always, want to be more than just friends. Even if for only just one time. Men simply do not have any time for women they don't want to have sex with. We are always in pursuit mode.
Such a simple concept, yet so true. Don't know why I didn't think of it. Women, if you are wondering if your man's even OPEN contact with women is more than just that, the answer is "most likely yes". Men, your wife's text's and calls may be innocent, but beware the intentions of the man on the other side.

Good post. Someone should add ity to 3/4 of the posts in the infidelity section.
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Old 10-13-2009, 08:30 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Late night phone calls...need opinions...

Thank you for the advice.

I feel like I need to start my own message board about disabled wives who have emotional affairs.

The situation is actually much more than just what I described above, but I'm so overwhelmed trying to make sense of it all so I just wanted to get a reasonable answer to ONE thing.

Don't think its phone sex. She doesn't hide that they talk, but she never talks when I'm around.

But - if I had suspicion's about the phone activity - her meeting him down by the river every couple of weeks - for a couple of hours - after midnight - should probably be a pretty big clue that they aren't just friends. Wouldn't you agree?

Thanks. This **** really sucks.
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Old 10-13-2009, 08:31 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Late night phone calls...need opinions...

Also just posted something a little different under the EA section - asking how to move past it. Thanks again.
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Old 10-13-2009, 08:40 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Late night phone calls...need opinions...

Quote:
Originally Posted by KSimpson99 View Post
Thank you for the advice.

I feel like I need to start my own message board about disabled wives who have emotional affairs.

The situation is actually much more than just what I described above, but I'm so overwhelmed trying to make sense of it all so I just wanted to get a reasonable answer to ONE thing.

Don't think its phone sex. She doesn't hide that they talk, but she never talks when I'm around.

But - if I had suspicion's about the phone activity - her meeting him down by the river every couple of weeks - for a couple of hours - after midnight - should probably be a pretty big clue that they aren't just friends. Wouldn't you agree?

Thanks. This **** really sucks.
Um, yes...I'd agree.

My problem is killing me and it's middle school compared with most of this stuff. Follow her. Spy. I REALLY wish I'd done it.
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