General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My husband owns his own small business. About a year ago he hired a 35yr old woman who immediately made the office manager so uncomfortable that she quit. I started working there after the office manager quit to help out. About 3 months after working there this woman started ignoring and snubbing me. She shows me absolutely no respect and her business ethics are questionable. She has stolen from us, fudged her hours, disobeys company rules and still my husband refuses to fire her. She's rude towards me and makes it clear that when I'm in the office she's unhappy. To make up for the stealing, my husband changes locks, to make up for her fudging her hours he gave her a $4.00/hr raise. When I started working there I didn't realize she had so much animosity towards me. I had bought her a cake to celebrate her birthday, I offered her lunch, and she turned to my husband and told him she didn't think I liked her. My husband I and have been fighting over this since April and he always says he'll get rid of her but "nows not the time." My daughter, who works there is also feeling the stress and told me that when I call the office this woman just sits back and lets the phone ring, refusing to answer it.
My husband can't understand the hurt and betrayal I feel by keeping her around. He refuses to acknowledge that it's painful to me that he doesn't defend me, that she treats me so badly when I'm in the office. About a month ago I was so hurt that I kicked him out of the house. About a week later we talked and he assured me that our marriage and family was important to me and that he would lay her off. That was over a month ago. I think he just said it to get back into the house.Last night he said that he has a business to run and doesn't have time for this pettiness. I have copies of e-mails that she has sent out to customers that have been more than suggestive, and though he seems concerned, he doesnt do anything about it. This is stressing me out so much and I am so hurt that he keeps her around in spite of how I feel. My children feel the stress and my daughter has her own issues with this woman. What should I do?
Your husband does have a business to run and I agree with that comment. Obviously this person is of some benefit to you r husband or he would not keep her on the payroll. Just because you don't understand his benefit to keeping her employed under him doesn't make it okay to tell him who to hire and fire. You in my opinion should be concerned about two things; Are they in an intimate relationship. Is this woman mean to my daughter. If non eof this is going on I suggest you let him run his business his way. She is just an employee and not benefiting from the money he brings home or the love etc.., you are...remember that
He is your husband, treat him like a husband should be treated.
although i agree with harvards opinion in a lot of ways i would also want to ask a few more questions.
1. Do you regularly work at the company with your husband?
2. have you offered to find a suitable replacement for this woman? if it truely is a matter of not having time or resources to replace her, then this might help to show you are willing to meet half way and make the it easier for him to let go of her.
3. same two questions that harvard asked. those are big ones!
4. has the above mentioned steeling and poor behavior stopped, or atleast tapered of in some way?
and as i said, i do agree tat he has a business to run, you should let him, but, i would also add that if work is getting in the way of marriage, he should make an effort to bring the balance back to ware you both are comfortable. I would not push the matter to hard though. If he is not having an affair with her and he is truely being a devoted husband and father, then it may just be one of the necessary evils of work. Oh, and as for the suggestive e-mails, unless they are directed at your husband, i would let go of them, i have seen several times where a woman in a receptionist type of position will send semi-suggestive correspondence to the male customers, it is immoral, but, it can also improve business (sad but true)
Just remember to stay strong and hold precious the love he gives you and love him as hard as you can, it sounds to me that he may just be cought up in work and losing track of what realy matters in his life. Love may bring that back.
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My marriage is a wreck.... But hopefully, with time, patience and love, that will change. Pray for me as i will pray for all of you, not that our marriages get better, not that our loved one turn around but that we all shall find happiness, piece, love, trust and confidence.... GOD bless and good luck, we all need it.
When my husband asked me to help him out one of the duties was to replace the office manager. He aked me to help him run the office more efficiently. So I started working full-time, which I loved after being un-employed for about 4 yrs. Up until that time I had successfully run my own child-care business for more than 10 yrs.
My husband thinks this woman is jealous of me and is competing with me for his attention (which I think is weird). Just for the record, I have a lot of money invested in his company. I feel I have just as much say as he does.
To answer Harvard's question, yes, she is extremely rude towards my daughter and tries to berate her. She doesn't feel as if her father has her back where this woman's concerned and is quitting the comany. Our family business is falling apart because of this woman, my son quit a few months ago. And yes, there is still things "missing" but they are alway little things lke paper towels, toilet paper, cleaning wipes, etc.
I understand the need to run the business, but he has been promising to replace her since April. I stopped working there because of her hostility but my counselor told me that was the worst thing to do, that I have much more right to be there than her. And yes, I have been trying to assist him in looking for another worker,I have 10 resumes that he hasn't taken the time to look at in 3 weeks. Finally, I see no benefit in keeping her, it's taken her a year to learn what most have learned in a few months. I started this business with my husband and the kids helped out after school. She's great at looking busy, but my husband doesn't see what we see, the constant cell-phone use (though he's asked her not to use her cell phone), her constant visitors(asked her to stop this too). She still comes and goes as she pleases, and he is so passive about it.
However, I appreciate the opinions listed here. Thank you! But I can't help but feel a sense of betrayal when he tells me one thing and then goes back on his word. And it hurts so much when I do go in and she totally snubs and and is so rude and I have to maintain a level of professionalism. It's getting more and more difficult to do so.
if she has free rein to do what sh ewants as you are describing there is much more going on than you are explaining or that you are unaware of. You didn't mention if you think they are sexually or were sexually involved at some point....she is obviously there for reasons important to your husband
Of course, that thought had occured to me. Actually it was my mother in law that made me look into the situation a lot closer. We also have rental property and one night there was a town meeting about our land. I couldn't attend because it was parents night at my youngest child's school. I found out she accompanied him, which to me, seemed out of line since she's not involved in the rentals. I told him I was uncomfortable about it and he just replied she was curious about how town meetings ran. huh! She also works a lot later than her scheduled time and comes in on Saturdays if he's working. And he feels special that she takes such an interest in his company, but I wonder what its really about.
It hurts me to think I've invested 26 yrs to a man that doesn't seemto care much about how I feel. He has never acknowledged that she's done anything wrong and is making it more my fault. This woman has been to our house, to our parties, I didn't realize she hated me so much and would treat me so badly at our family business. But I suppose, since my husband tolerates it she must feel some sense of empowerment. I just wish my husband had my back, which I truly feel he doesnt. Of course, I know the business comes first, but at what point does the family come in? there have been way too many arguments, my daughter has also had many arguments with him about this woman and nothing gets done! And every day that she's stillthere is like aknife in my back.
Sounds to me he won't be slipping up so you will have to dig as any wife would in a situation like this.
I still say he is having an affair, certainly an emotional affair but very possibly physical. She makes him happy, that is why he will not fire her but even if one day he does end up firing her due to the hfighting about her that doesn't mean he won't see her anymore and if it were me, I would still see her becasue of how she good I feel when I am around her.
Once you lose your mans heart to another woman you are in for the emotional ride of your life to get it back and usually by that time too much has transpired both good and bad to win but good luck.
How do I deal with the betrayal?
boiler, as in fatal attraction.
