General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I think I might be expecting too much from my wife. Or more acurately, expecting too little from myself.
In conversation I (and I think this is a sort of standard male thing) am saying things that are intended to be taken at face value, but my wife (and Im starting to realize that maybe this is just a standard "woman thing") takes a lot of what I say personally. Its like for her there is this whole other emotional underpinning to what I am understanding to be mundane conversation.
FE: The last night my W and I are commuting home together. She is driving. I tell her Im hungry, and she says she is as well. We then start going down the list of stuff we eat all the time and dont want to eat tonight (pizza no; Japanese no; etc.). I then suggest that instead of eating out why dont we just eat at home tonight and go grocery shopping tomorrow since its a good idea that we cut unnecessary expenses.
She agrees at first, then a few blocks later says, "Wait, I really want to eat at this Vietnamese restaurant." (it was comming up on the left side of the street, at the same time the right turn to our apartment was comming up). I said something to the affect of "Vietnamese, are sure?" At which point she had basically stopped in the middle of the street at a green light, waiting for me to decide what to do I guess. My only response was, "Honey, go, theres cars behind us." She made the turn to go to our home and said something like "Forget it." And I could tell she was dissapointed.
As we're walking to our apartment from the car she starts this whole spiel like, "Every time u want something you convince urself that u deserve it and just go buy it, but whenever I want something suddenly u start caring about saving money." In a very upset tone.
I was surprised to hear this and it kind of ticked me off. I assured her that wasnt the case and said that Id get back in the car and go pick her up food from the restaurant. She was having none of it tho, and continued with her angle about how selfish I was and how unimportant her desires were to me.
I thought she was just angry that I didnt give her a reason to not feel guilty about wanting to eat out when she knows we're suppossed to be saving money, and I thought that was really immature. Then said something to her I shouldnt of, "Youre such a baby." This made her even madder, and tho I made dinner for her that night when we got home and she did eat it, we havent spoken in 24 hours since it happened.
Im starting to think that most women just need to feel that their man is on their side or endorses what they want to do, even when it isnt the best or most responsible thing to do. To them this correlates to the degree to which their man does or does not value them. I used to think that this was just my wife's own immaturity and irrational emotional stuff, but since reading this forum Im hearing this everywhere with regard to women. Do I need to stop expecting anything different from my wife, since she is a woman, and concentrate on how I should and shouldnt react to this type of behavior? Cuz getting angry and calling her a baby doesnt seem to be helping anything.
You keep thinking like that. It will be good for marriage.
Obviously getting angry and calling her a baby doesn't work.
But neither does questioning what she clearly stated she wanted. You could ask her if she is OK with spending the money and then discuss alternatives or you could say, "OK, we won't go out to eat next week and do this now". but instead, you say something non-descript and then call her a baby when you aren't clear about your concerns -- while she was perfectly clear about what she wanted.
This isn't about right or wrong in terms of eating out or $$. This is about you not saying what you mean and then name-calling.
If she's demonstrating behavior due to her gender, do we get to do the same for you?
How about dealing with the INDIVIDUAL you are dealing with and stop with wanting to dismiss her the way you are doing? If you want to guarantee a divorce, you are well on your way there with that kind of judgement.
You are not alone, and its really the way women are. You will never figure them out and yes, as a man we do get what we want when we want it according to my wife. For example, my wife and I decided to save money and cut a few costs. the next day she went and bought new clothes and shoes $125.45and said she needed for it work. Following day I got a computer game for $19.95.
She then shot of the handle and said" I thought we were meant to be saving money. Lol, I just shut my mouth and could not believe what she had just said.
Now if i had of bought her flowers with the $19.95, it would have been a whole different story.
Sometimes its just best to bite your tongue i find.Cause a week after that she decided to get a planner in for some renovations which are now going to cost us well over $60.000.
Mate, women are women. They are here to complicate our lives and make it interesting. They take everything to heart if a male says it. This time next week it will be another issue of some sort. Get a shed, with a fridge and stock it with beer. When things get rough, have a coldie mate. By the time your coldie is consumed she might have calmed down. But have a mint before returning to sort out the issue in a calmly manner. And if you can't drink........... well then ur stuffed
Okay! So you guys were running through a list of restaurants, correct?? So it sounds as though you had no concrete plans. So saving money was NOT the first thing on your mind either apparently. If so, your first thought of food would have been to eat at home, not to run through the list of restaurants. Then she agrees and changes her mind just in time to turn at the restaurant (probably because the upcoming turn reminded her of the restaurant), and she's wrong because she changes her mind??? Are you kidding me?? Maybe she wanted to share her first experience at that restaurant with you, and that's why she turned down your offer to pick her some food up. Have you ever thought about that?? She was probably confused because your first reaction was to think about restaurants and then when she thinks of one she likes you shoot her down because of money. Doesn't make sense to me. You men really need to stop generalizing women. You will most certainly be divorced and not end up remarried if you don't!
You keep thinking like that. It will be good for marriage.
Obviously getting angry and calling her a baby doesn't work.
But neither does questioning what she clearly stated she wanted. You could ask her if she is OK with spending the money and then discuss alternatives or you could say, "OK, we won't go out to eat next week and do this now". but instead, you say something non-descript and then call her a baby when you aren't clear about your concerns -- while she was perfectly clear about what she wanted.
This isn't about right or wrong in terms of eating out or $$. This is about you not saying what you mean and then name-calling.
If she's demonstrating behavior due to her gender, do we get to do the same for you?
How about dealing with the INDIVIDUAL you are dealing with and stop with wanting to dismiss her the way you are doing? If you want to guarantee a divorce, you are well on your way there with that kind of judgement.
Thanks for being blunt.
Not wanting to dismiss her is the whole point. Calling her a baby obv isnt helpful. But it was never about the $, thats the thing. I never said, "No u may not get ur Vietnamese food. We need to save".
My crime was saying "Honey, go, theres cars behind us," instead of saying "Ok, Vieatnamese! Let's do it!" while we're stopped at a greenlight on a busy thoroughfare.
To me it is unreasonable for her to get upset at me for this reason. And then for her to say Im being selfish and only want to save money when she wants something is just immature imo. Esp when saving money is one of the main things she gets on me about. And esp esp when I wasnt even saying she shouldnt get her food, I just didnt endorse her in the split second that I was alotted to do so when we were on the road.
You are not alone, and its really the way women are. You will never figure them out and yes, as a man we do get what we want when we want it according to my wife. For example, my wife and I decided to save money and cut a few costs. the next day she went and bought new clothes and shoes $125.45and said she needed for it work. Following day I got a computer game for $19.95.
She then shot of the handle and said" I thought we were meant to be saving money. Lol, I just shut my mouth and could not believe what she had just said.
Now if i had of bought her flowers with the $19.95, it would have been a whole different story.
Sometimes its just best to bite your tongue i find.Cause a week after that she decided to get a planner in for some renovations which are now going to cost us well over $60.000.
Mate, women are women. They are here to complicate our lives and make it interesting. They take everything to heart if a male says it. This time next week it will be another issue of some sort. Get a shed, with a fridge and stock it with beer. When things get rough, have a coldie mate. By the time your coldie is consumed she might have calmed down. But have a mint before returning to sort out the issue in a calmly manner. And if you can't drink........... well then ur stuffed
This definitely sounds familiar. I need to learn how to deal with this and to learn how to stop needing things to make sense all the time.
That's not the reason she was upset with you. She told you what she wanted and rather than being direct, you asked her another question and then deflected and then made it about the cars behind you. She said what she wanted but you had to ask if she were sure.
How difficult would it have been to say OK or not?
By the time you wanted to question what she said she wanted (as though you didn't believe her) it was now about the cars behind you.
Okay! So you guys were running through a list of restaurants, correct?? So it sounds as though you had no concrete plans. So saving money was NOT the first thing on your mind either apparently. If so, your first thought of food would have been to eat at home, not to run through the list of restaurants. Then she agrees and changes her mind just in time to turn at the restaurant (probably because the upcoming turn reminded her of the restaurant), and she's wrong because she changes her mind??? Are you kidding me?? Maybe she wanted to share her first experience at that restaurant with you, and that's why she turned down your offer to pick her some food up. Have you ever thought about that?? She was probably confused because your first reaction was to think about restaurants and then when she thinks of one she likes you shoot her down because of money. Doesn't make sense to me. You men really need to stop generalizing women. You will most certainly be divorced and not end up remarried if you don't!
Eating at home to save $ was not my first thought, it was my 2nd thought, so what? And in case u missed it or something I never said she was wrong. I just didnt give her the go ahead fast enough apparently. My main concern at the time was not getting plowed into by the car behind us.
I did not shoot her down b/c of $. I never once told her no, I just didnt tell her yes fast enough, and when I did so a minute later, for her it was to late, she was already upset.
"You men need to stop generalizing women" is in itself a generalization on men. Im hoping that this kind of this is a "woman thing" that my wife cant help doing. In that case she gets a pass and I have to learn how to deal with hit constructively. If it isnt a "woman thing" than my wife might need to take a little responsibility and not trap me into situations where Im not going to react the exact way she wants me to, and then get mad at me for it afterward.
That's not the reason she was upset with you. She told you what she wanted and rather than being direct, you asked her another question and then deflected and then made it about the cars behind you. She said what she wanted but you had to ask if she were sure.
How difficult would it have been to say OK or not?
By the time you wanted to question what she said she wanted (as though you didn't believe her) it was now about the cars behind you.
Look up passive-aggressive. You fit the bill.
Ok so Im passive agressive b/c I didnt give a direct endorsement to her direct desire to eat at this restaurant in the 3-5 seconds I was alotted huh? And that gives her the right to automatically get angry and personally attack me, case closed huh?
If youre a woman, u just comfirmed that yes, this is a woman thing. Because that way of thinking is outlandishly unreasonable and careless imo.
edit: and lol at the bold. Being stopped at a green light on a 4 lane 35mph speed limit main street during rush hour w/ cars directly behind us is some how a non issue. Its me "making it about the cars behind us." LMFAO
Dude, you generalized women. Shows your immaturity and lack of experience.
I beleive theres a ? in the title. And u never answered the question. And I think ur missing the whole point. If I were to ask "Is it just my W, or do all women have a uterus?" there wouldnt be anything wrong with that other than its a stupid question.
I am trying to find a way to better deal with this kind of thing. I dont believe I should be put in situations where I must answer correctly within a certain time limit or else taste the wrath of my wife's anger. If u think thats all fine and fair then theres something wrong with u. Im trying to figure out if its just my wife that does this, or if this type of thing is more a less a uterus.
And I think youre immature and frankly unintelligent for jumping down my throat for "generalizing women" when 1) clearly Im simply inquiring as to whether this is a general "woman thing" or not, and 2) u never answer the question or even acknowledged that there was one.
Okay! Now what I am getting is that you just came on here to crab about your wife, not for advice! That is how this looks to me. When you are being given some thoughts on the situation you get all defensive. Don't ask for thoughts or advice if you didn't want it. If you want to bash women maybe you should go to another site. Not one where people have SERIOUS marital issues to discuss! Just my honest opinion. Not trying to be rude! Sorry if I'm coming across that way! I am here for a serious issue, not to just crab about a little quirk that my hubby has.
I have a question!! Are all men jerks??? That's something I've been wondering for a while. Does the testosterone make them jerks?? Just curious! Since that obviously ISN'T a generalization according to this thread!
Is it just my W or are ~all women like this? 
