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Old 06-11-2013, 06:16 AM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife never told me about

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You have to talk to her. I don't think her past should be held against her or that she does not have the right to explore her sexuality. But that's me, you have a right to decide who you want to marry.

You have a right transperency when dating. To me, deception and hiding oneself is a deal breaker. By hiding herself, she exposed you to the possibility of humiliation. She misrepresented the nature of her relationship with a men that you both socialize with.
Hi Catherine,
Nice to see you back.
I think your analysis is a good , balanced one.
Yes, transparency is important on both sides of the fence before we get married. People should not hide themselves, or aspects of themselves that could be potentially cause the other partner embarrassment.
I think the especially applies to past financial dealings and past sexual exploits.
It should always be up to the person to decide whether or not they want to stay, and in so doing, they themselves have agreed not to bring it up or use it as a weapon against the said person later on , should they decide to stay and get married.


Anyway,
Regarding the aftermath of that " party" I mentioned earlier,
The lady's husband was a younger guy and she was a police officer. Her lady friend was also younger than her.
Undercover officers usually take home their weapons. That's why when things got " sticky" I immediately left. I didn't want to be a witness in any murder case.

But nothing violent happened. The usual confrontation , argument. They separated , and she quit her job and migrated. It hit her really hard.
That happened more than 20 years ago.
Her husband moved in with the girl and to this day,To the best of my knowledge, they are still living together....

Weird,I know!
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Old 06-11-2013, 07:25 AM   #32 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife never told me about

This post I once read on TAM has nothing to do with Brad and Sarah, directly, but it matters her in that...

oh, heck. It doesn't matter here at all, but I love this story.

Boy/girl meet after graduating from separate colleges, starting their professional careers. They marry. Soon thereafter, girl gets invited to her 5 year graduation get-together of her sorority sisters. Guy has work obligations. Can't go. Girl is all "oh, that's SO too bad. I really wanted you to meet everyone".

Couple weeks later, his work plans change and he can go. "GREAT NEWS HONEY!!!"...

Only he could sense it wasn't great news. Her demeanor changed pretty quickly. Long story short, they go, and after the frozen daqueries are flowing for a while and tongues loosen up, it comes out that his innocent little new wifey was the BJ queen of the local chapter of the tri-delts, or whoever they were. Seems like it was her hobby, and she enjoyed it.

Guys (gals too), you have every right to know your woman's past before you marry her. Throw in lies, and it's a deal breaker. OP, if she can sit down in the same room with you and a man she'd take up the Hershey Highway, imagine what else there is.
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Old 06-11-2013, 07:40 AM   #33 (permalink)
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It was wrong of your wife to have her husband living next door to and socializing with an ex lover completely unaware. Monstrously wrong!

It was wrong of you to allow that guy to speak to you about your wife's past without calling him out. How dare he discuss your wife like that? Who the hell is he to make insinuations like that? AngryTony, you also blew it, big time!

However...

A persons past belongs to them, period. Double standard alive and well. Angry Tony, before you confront your wife, you must be able to honestly state exactly how much of her past sexual escapades are going to affect you. This is WHY women don't tell men exactly what sexual experiences lie in their past, most men don't dismiss it for being as insignificant as it is in present context.

You don't even know if what they guy insinuated is true. But if it is, put your house on the market and move. At this point you do need to know how likely it is that you are going to run into her ex lovers AND You need to be prepared to shut them down immediately should anyone be so stupid as to bring it up!

Then you can start a new thread about being threatened that your wife has had more sexual experience than you! Double standard, alive and well.
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Old 06-11-2013, 07:53 AM   #34 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife never told me about

Add to this the knowledge that she is in close proximity to an EX...
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Old 06-11-2013, 07:55 AM   #35 (permalink)
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Dear Penthouse....
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Old 06-11-2013, 07:58 AM   #36 (permalink)
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A persons past belongs to them, period. Double standard alive and well. Angry Tony, before you confront your wife, you must be able to honestly state exactly how much of her past sexual escapades are going to affect you. This is WHY women don't tell men exactly what sexual experiences lie in their past, most men don't dismiss it for being as insignificant as it is in present context.

You don't even know if what they guy insinuated is true. But if it is, put your house on the market and move. At this point you do need to know how likely it is that you are going to run into her ex lovers AND You need to be prepared to shut them down immediately should anyone be so stupid as to bring it up!

Then you can start a new thread about being threatened that your wife has had more sexual experience than you! Double standard, alive and well.
He does need to get to the bottom of this. While I agree that a person's sexual past shouldn't necessarily be held against them, if these allegations are true, the fact is the wife didn't really leave them in the past, did she? She brought them right up in to her present and allowed her husband to socialize with a man that she was more sexually adventurous with than him. Without his knowledge. It sounds like he was perfectly willing to let the past stay there, even if he was curious. But the fact is, he didn't go hunting for this info. He wasn't obsessing about it or ruining their relationship with constant questions and accusations about her past sexual exploits. This information fell right into his lap. And how did that happen, because his wife decided to invite a former lover into their social lives. That is a huge show of disrespect and dishonesty on her part.

Now, if it turns out that this info isn't true at all. Well, you have another set of problems. Why is someone trying to stir up trouble? Is Brad telling lies, or is the other so called friend trying to stir the pot? Either way, it sounds like you need to re-evaluate your social circle (and maybe your marital status).
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Old 06-11-2013, 08:00 AM   #37 (permalink)
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A persons past belongs to them, period.
DAMN!! You mean I DIDN'T NEED to tell my wife I used to sit across the street from the high school and pleasure myself, (in the privacy of my camper) to the girls in gym class? I mean, I only OCASSIONALLY get the urge to do it now from time to time...

My good friend married a gal who, from an EARLY age, was VERY comfortable walking into a bar and walking out with multiple men for sex. All innocent fun. No business of his, right?

Well, guess what she would do when she got bored in her marriage. Or better yet, pissed off at him, which happens a lot. MY wife gets ice cream. That's who she was.

His x-wife isn't as heavy as mine now, if you know what I mean.

A person's past has nothing to do with who they are today? I don't even know what that MEANS.

Last edited by MrK; 06-11-2013 at 08:08 AM.
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Old 06-11-2013, 08:22 AM   #38 (permalink)
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You're jumping to wild conclusions and making the leap based on extraordinary situations. I think it's a product of reading about extraordinary scenarios right here on TAM. How many other lovers did his wife have? 10? 30? 100's? How many is too many? What this guy KNOWS is that it is more than 3 AND that one of them lives next door. From that you jump to willing gangbangs and regularly stepping out on the marriage? Yeah... Totally reasonable, I can see where you don't understand what that means.
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Old 06-11-2013, 08:36 AM   #39 (permalink)
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There have been many previous posts about a spouse's past but to me that's not the real issue here. No spouse should be made to socialize with their loved one's previous sex partner either knowingly or unknowingly.

That in my estimation is a large sign of disrespect and uncaring.

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Old 06-11-2013, 08:37 AM   #40 (permalink)
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I supose I should have expected it but it bothers me anyway.

This woman's past is nothing she needs to be ashamed of. She explored her sexuality. It was her's to explore. The shaming and judgement implicitly or explicitly expressed is a big problem. The underlying notion is that a woman who enjoys sex just for because she does is somehow tainted.

Anyone else see a problem with this? Can a woman enjoy her sexuality and pleasure without being shamed? According to a great majority of the posts that i read on TAM, the answer is no. Let me ask another way, can a wife enjoy her sexuality and pleasure withoiut being shamed?

The problem here is deception. The comments on female sexuality is instructive but is that the base problem? This mans wife did a horrible thing to this man. What she did with or to herself may be a problem for her but she is not the sympathetic person in this sorry tale.

I would like the men who express knee jerk negative attitudes about sexually active women to look at the effect that this has in their lives. Is it fair or reasonable to expect their wives to be the type of woman they so freely shame and curse within hearing of their wives??

Of course not. My advice, watch what you say and be consistent. You have a right to your code of ethics and to live your life according to them. But you have no right to judge others with different points of view.

I am saying this because the judgement bothers me. But more than that is the lack of awareness of the effect of unguarded talk and inconsistant belief systems. If in principle you believe that women should suppress their sexual expression, so be it. Don't confuse the woman that you love by expecting her to violate your principles after she agrees to marry you. That is a bait and switch.

If you want a rich and varied sex life with a woman who shares your values, then drop the sophomoric sexual negativity, judgement and shamming. For me and my emotional makeup, I chose to explore my sexuality in the safety of a committed relationship. That's me, I am not more principled than women who explored outside of marriage. I was true to my nature. I don't have any negative feelings about women who feel differently.

If a man prefers a woman who makes the same choice then he has every right to find her. But if he is stupid enough to bad mouth women who are sexual, then he cannot expect his wife to feel sexually explorative with a man who cant control his tongue. Consideration and modulation of feelings and thoughts is an ongoing process of a thinking person in charge of themselves. Mass thinking is the opposite of that.
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Old 06-11-2013, 08:51 AM   #41 (permalink)
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I wasn't seeing that kind of negative attitude toward women's sexuality. I know I don't have a problem with it. Now I do have a problem with the bad boy widow thing where a woman is sexually adventurous with every bad boy in town, then settles down with a nice guy and provides once a week duty missionary. I don't judge her past, I judge her present. I don't say her past is a bad thing. But it would certainly make me feel like a distant second place if she was open for others but closed for me. Add to that hiding it, then rubbing my nose in it without my knowledge and I'd just have to be gone.
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Old 06-11-2013, 08:52 AM   #42 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife never told me about

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I am saying this because the judgement bothers me. But more than that is the lack of awareness of the effect of unguarded talk and inconsistant belief systems. If in principle you believe that women should suppress their sexual expression, so be it. Don't confuse the woman that you love by expecting her to violate your principles after she agrees to marry you. That is a bait and switch.
I agree to this.
But would'nt the converse also be true?

Shouldn't a woman who believes in exploring her sexuality to the fullest outside of marriage simply just look for a man who has explored his sexuality to the fullest and they can both get married with no shaming of each other or " bait & switch?"

And isn't also a " bait & switch " situation when women who has explored her sexuality to the fullest outside of marriage, get married and suddenly no longer wants to
" explore her sexuality to the fullest ," but expects her husband to simply accept what ever she offers him ?

Clearly, issues of compatibility will arise, and either one starts feeling jealous of the other's past or another feels like she is being pressured to do things she may no longer be comfortable with, because of her past.

Absolutely nothing's wrong with living " la vida voca. "
But something is wrong with trying to force people who are not inclined in that way to accept your standard.

People are looked upon as old fashioned, dumb , low drive, asexual, freaks,and all sorts of negative descriptions assigned to them if they dont explore their sexuality fully before marriage, by people who did.
Half a dozen and six of the other.

No martyrs here.
To each his own.
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Last edited by Caribbean Man; 06-11-2013 at 09:01 AM.
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Old 06-11-2013, 08:53 AM   #43 (permalink)
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Old 06-11-2013, 09:01 AM   #44 (permalink)
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I supose I should have expected it but it bothers me anyway.

This woman's past is nothing she needs to be ashamed of. She explored her sexuality. It was her's to explore. The shaming and judgement implicitly or explicitly expressed is a big problem. The underlying notion is that a woman who enjoys sex just for because she does is somehow tainted.

Anyone else see a problem with this? Can a woman enjoy her sexuality and pleasure without being shamed? According to a great majority of the posts that i read on TAM, the answer is no. Let me ask another way, can a wife enjoy her sexuality and pleasure withoiut being shamed?
Absolutely. But if you are going to hold that position, you have to own it. Here, she did not. She actively hid it. She refused to discuss it.

Quote:
The problem here is deception. The comments on female sexuality is instructive but is that the base problem? This mans wife did a horrible thing to this man. What she did with or to herself may be a problem for her but she is not the sympathetic person in this sorry tale.
I agree. Her deception in this whole thing is problematic. It causes doubts and lets the imagination go wild.

Quote:
I would like the men who express knee jerk negative attitudes about sexually active women to look at the effect that this has in their lives. Is it fair or reasonable to expect their wives to be the type of woman they so freely shame and curse within hearing of their wives??

Of course not. My advice, watch what you say and be consistent. You have a right to your code of ethics and to live your life according to them. But you have no right to judge others with different points of view.
I agree that one should have a code of ethics and live by them. But one then needs to be honest about what that is. Be honest about how they got where they are and where their code comes from.

Also, I do think you do have a right to that judgment when it comes to getting married. That is why honest on both sides is necessary. Expecting someone to love you for who you are, when you don't really tell them who you are, seems unfair. To hide something before marriage, then try to shame a person into accepting it, is no better.

[QUOTE]I am saying this because the judgement bothers me. But more than that is the lack of awareness of the effect of unguarded talk and inconsistant belief systems. If in principle you believe that women should suppress their sexual expression, so be it. Don't confuse the woman that you love by expecting her to violate your principles after she agrees to marry you. That is a bait and switch.

If you want a rich and varied sex life with a woman who shares your values, then drop the sophomoric sexual negativity, judgement and shamming. For me and my emotional makeup, I chose to explore my sexuality in the safety of a committed relationship. That's me, I am not more principled than women who explored outside of marriage. I was true to my nature. I don't have any negative feelings about women who feel differently. [QUOTE]

Not necessarily. One can think that sexual expression should be reserved for long term, serious relationships, and not merely one night stands. It is not either/or. There are gradations. Further, one can have no negative feelings for those women, and yet decide that their behavior is not one they want for a mate, just as with any behavior.


Quote:
If a man prefers a woman who makes the same choice then he has every right to find her. But if he is stupid enough to bad mouth women who are sexual, then he cannot expect his wife to feel sexually explorative with a man who cant control his tongue. Consideration and modulation of feelings and thoughts is an ongoing process of a thinking person in charge of themselves. Mass thinking is the opposite of that.
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If a woman is stupid enough to act in one way, then hide those actions, she cannot expect a man to them blindingly accept her.

On that, it seems that you want women to be able to explore their sexuality in any manner in which they chose, while hiding that exploration from their mate. I think this is a mistake, because if their mate is not able to accept her and what she did, it is far better to find that out before marriage.

Last edited by Tall Average Guy; 06-11-2013 at 09:27 AM. Reason: Fixed quote formatting
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Old 06-11-2013, 09:05 AM   #45 (permalink)
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While I agree that your wife should be confronted on this, I would suggest you not go in with the guns blazing. How exactly does this "friend" know the gritty details of their sex life like how much anal was going on? Unless he was in the room, his info comes from Brad. I suspect that Brad wouldn't be the first guy to exaggerate and even flat out lie about his sexcapades to his buddies. A controlled conversation will net you a lot more than being accusatory. You need to be on a fact finding mission before you blow up. You are much more likely to get the truth if you don't start off trying to shame her.

I would also love to know how exactly you ended up living next door to this guy. Did you move into her place?
My experience is that stories are often embellished upon especially when told in a drunken atmosphere.You really need to get to the real truth.
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