General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I have been married for 4 years now and my relationship with my wife has got stronger over the years.
Recently she sent a message to a friend on facebook saying "I probaly could get you a job at my husbands work I just have to talk to my husband is that weird"
So she brought it up to me the next day and I ask her if she ever had a relationship with this guy or slept with him she ofcourse said no. So the next evening I came home from work and she had left her facebook account open so I looked in her sent items and saw what she had sent to him about the job along with a new email stating I need your resume so on and so forth along with " I told my husbands what good FRIENDS we were he gets a little weired sometimes"
Now I would normally not care but this but I felt that she lied to me So I brought it up again and she said no. A couple of days pass and I'm feeling very uncomfortable so I look at the search history and find out she has been talking to this guy and searching pass relationships several of them. So I ask her once again about this guy ( didn't mention anything about the search history) and she finally said Yes we dated on and off and I really like him. So I was lied twice. And she told me that she only wants to be with me and noone else. So she agreed to always tell me the truth. So I let it go and I went back and check the search history and everyday she sends him some type of note Nothing bad. And then deletes its off your facebook account.
Am I being a little crazy and just overthinking this. The last time I brought it up she says I'm extremly jealous person. I feel that she made me that way for lieing about it at first. What should I do should I approach this again and how if I do I feel like I obeyed her trust?
It sounds like an emotional affair, at the very least. I am sorry that you too, are having to endure this crappy, poor excuse for a spouse. It usually only gets worse as your marriage progresses. Take care and best wishes.
If she is not sharing really inappropriate stuff AND he lives far away then I would just watch this but not touch it.
If he lives within driving distance - I would not go for that. Meaning I would force her to make a choice. Not kidding. It is not cool to stay in touch with old boyfriends - it is really not cool to try and get husband to get them a job without full disclosure.
This whole facebook thing is more and more common. It is like all these people doing that want to have a plan B lined up. Not good.
Quote:
Originally Posted by gunit77
I have been married for 4 years now and my relationship with my wife has got stronger over the years.
Recently she sent a message to a friend on facebook saying "I probaly could get you a job at my husbands work I just have to talk to my husband is that weird"
So she brought it up to me the next day and I ask her if she ever had a relationship with this guy or slept with him she ofcourse said no. So the next evening I came home from work and she had left her facebook account open so I looked in her sent items and saw what she had sent to him about the job along with a new email stating I need your resume so on and so forth along with " I told my husbands what good FRIENDS we were he gets a little weired sometimes"
Now I would normally not care but this but I felt that she lied to me So I brought it up again and she said no. A couple of days pass and I'm feeling very uncomfortable so I look at the search history and find out she has been talking to this guy and searching pass relationships several of them. So I ask her once again about this guy ( didn't mention anything about the search history) and she finally said Yes we dated on and off and I really like him. So I was lied twice. And she told me that she only wants to be with me and noone else. So she agreed to always tell me the truth. So I let it go and I went back and check the search history and everyday she sends him some type of note Nothing bad. And then deletes its off your facebook account.
Am I being a little crazy and just overthinking this. The last time I brought it up she says I'm extremly jealous person. I feel that she made me that way for lieing about it at first. What should I do should I approach this again and how if I do I feel like I obeyed her trust?
I agree w/MEM, after I joined FB...I had ex school mates come out of the wood work confessing how much they crushed on me in HS. I found it flattering but did not respond in any way to a couple of subtle advances, as MEM said, they were unhappy and had a "plan B", they quickly got the hint and backed off. It's about setting boundaries, your wife may be overcome w/the flattery, longing for her days of youth and may not have mal intentions or she may be unhappy and having an emotional relationship from a boyfriend past. You have every right to be concerned. I'm a "lay it out on the table" kind of person. I'd call her out and ask her if she wants to fix it or separate, call her bluff. If you don't have a FB page, try getting one, when she sees all your old past chums (female), it may put things into perspective for her. It's about trust and if your instinct is telling you something is not on the up and up, it's probably not.
Atholk.... what is your problem? You are crude, presumptuous, annoying, and you need to get off the forum and go take care of your frustrations elsewhere.
gunit77- You have a right to be concerned. You are not overly jealous (or it doesn't seem that you are). You should ask your wife for the password to her facebook account. If there is nothing to hide, she wont have a problem giving you her passwords. Do not abuse them though. This will only cause more arguing. Tell her that you would just like to be able to check up now and again sense she has these relationships with past boyfriends. If she is truly not hiding anything, then she should be very understanding... She might hesitate and feel like her privacy is being invaded, but if you are really sweet about it and tell her that you will give her your passwords as well, it shouldn't be a big issue.
Definitely dont give the guy a job at your workplace though. That brings him into your circle of "life" - work, friends, parties.. etc. You don't need him to be hanging around your wife. As pure as her intentions may be, you don't know what he's got up his sleeve.
I agree with the above poster, Atholk is a tool, and needs to take his unwarranted advise to one of those websites that is being monitored by undercover police...then when he's on one of those "Dateline" episodes...the sight of him, along w/his actions...will be self explanatory as to why he conducts himself with such vulgarity.
I don't think you are being over jealous. I think that the whole situation makes you uncomfortable, and that is what you should stick with. Don't turn it into a situation of her screaming "why don't you trust me!" instead turn it into a conversation of "I love you, but this whole thing makes me uncomfortable and I hope that you respect our marriage enough to understand that".
Why would your wife feel the need to make this statement, “I told my husbands what good FRIENDS we were he gets a little weird sometimes”? Why would she think you get “weird” sometimes and what does weird mean in this context? You said your relationship has gotten stronger over the years but have you had issues with jealousy in the past? That statement would raise a red flag to me.
I brought up everything and I was called a pyscho. Then ten minutes later she said no I wasn't. I can't really beleive her I mean come she said right to me. She thinks I'm overreactting on my feelings and that I went overboard by snooping around. I took the advice given here and said I only did that because I was feeling uncomfortable. She is at work right now and wants to talk later. I told her it would be best for her to gather her thoughts for the night and I'll stay at brothers and we can talk in the morning.
Is that wrong of me to say that?
Was wrong I snooped?
Need more advice I'm not the type to express my feeling really well
She just texted me saying she can't spend the rest of her life convinceing me that she loves me. I know she loves me I was just concerned about what she had said and her past searches.
She making feel like i did something wrong..
Couple of questions Sir. First, do you feel you are "worthy" of your wife e.g. she's not way out of your league either physically or socio-economically. What I am trying to ever so lamely ask you is why do you feel you may/might/could loose her? Second, as your relationship is "now stronger", how do you process your wife having a friend that happens to be male, into an iquiry about sex? I truly am unable to follow the mental/emotional gymnastics on that one. Third, is your wife one of those "do- gooder" types that generally helps the downtrodden, or is this act of altruism completely out of character for her? I would love to have some input on these questions as I feel it would lend greater insight to your particular situation. LIL
You should not feel guilty for anything in my opinion. My facebook acct and my email are all open to my husband because I have nothing to hide. I would never email anything or put anything on my facebook or message someone on my facebook with anything my husband can't see. If she feels you shouldn't be looking at her emails and facebook messages SHE is wrong. If there is nothing to hide, she won't mind you looking. I show my husband around on mine all the time, not to mention I make it a point to tell him if his friend messages me ( I am planning hubby a suprise bday party and his friend is helping) and the general purpose of the message. No secrets in my house, not from me at least!
This may not be the popular response but I would be furious if my husband checked up on me. I married him to share my life with him, not hand it over to him.
That said, I tell him everything and am a completely open book. We both also have exes that are friends. For example, his "first love" joined us at Thanksgiving with her son and a man I dated for a year is our accountant.
I hope jealous isn't an issue for you as your wife claims, because you WILL completely drive her away and, in all honesty, she'd be well rid of you.
Lying is never acceptable but if she feels she has to lie to you about innocent connections because of how she fears you'll react, then you should ask yourself why. How many times have you accused her in the past?
Cheating is also absolutely not acceptable, so if there are honesty and trust issues, then you both need to address them and address them now! They only get worse.
Honestly, becoming her watchdog is never the answer. All you can really control is your own response to her actions. You cannot control her and, if you try, you will lose her.
If your relationship is solid, based on love, trust and mutual respect then some old boyfriend won't be able to come between you. If not, then you both have work to do.
Am I being way to Jealous 
It usually only gets worse as your marriage progresses. Take care and best wishes.
