General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
i was thinking about this and i feel i should add that my friend and co-worker has been a great help through all this and to make it better he has a degree in psycology so he actually knows his stuff..
__________________ My marriage is a wreck.... But hopefully, with time, patience and love, that will change. Pray for me as i will pray for all of you, not that our marriages get better, not that our loved one turn around but that we all shall find happiness, piece, love, trust and confidence.... GOD bless and good luck, we all need it.
as difficult as your situation is, you have to see that your wife is making remarkable strides in healing herself and her marriage, and you are showing remarkable courage hanging on to your marriage.
again, i was in a very similar situation and i know the loneliness, fear, sadness, and just plain "can't take another day of this"-ness.
you've come this far, which shows you obviously want to fight for your marriage, but equally as important is that your wife is fighting too.
as for not being able to afford counseling, take a hard look at your budget; counseling could make the difference netween success and failure, and really, what is that worth in the end.
i know it'd be nice, hell, it would mean the world to you, if your wife made a gesture of appreciation.
but remember she's wrapped up in all of her 'stuff' right now, trying to sort out what happened, who she is, and all of that.
so forgive her for being a little self-focused and again right now that's a good thing because she's self-focused on saving her marriage.
and beside, thanking you for hanging in and telling you how strong you are, damn man, that's beyond wonderful.
hold onto that moment whenever you feel you can't take another step.
and know that with each passing day the odds are more and more in favor of your marriage being righted.
honestly, i think i know that but still, it is hard to see it, at times. i mean, the pain and insecurity some times when i am having a weeker moment, can just cast shadows of doubt on every thing and when that happens...
i know it is f'n awsome that she said what she did and i realy appreciate it!! but waht i am trying to say is: some times, with out a source of frequent support and appreciation (not constant, but a few times a week) it gets hard to keep your "eye on the prize" determination.
i do realize that her being self focused is great and i am so proud of her for all the strides she has taken (i do make sure to tell her too)
as for the finances.... we got into a bit of debt. (i was too week to stop her from putting us there at the time) the debt is substantial and if we do not focus all our resources on getting out of debt, then we will be finding a new home again. i am slowly getting us back into the black but it will be a while before we are caught up enough to afford any thing beyond gas electric and house...
ok, i blame er for the debt, because she made it. i did tell her know but at the time i was just scared and still in the "any thing for you" phase of the hole thing and wound up bowing down to her wants and placing them above our needs... bad idea, i know... but i am slowly fixing it.
any ways, i have come this far, i do not plan on throwing in the towel because of a couple insecure days (i don't let her see me that way any more, though i do let her know i feel it) i have worked hard for to long to let it go now that she has finally started to work for it.
i am sorry for yesterday, as i said, i was having a realy REALLLY bad day (emotionally that is) and i needed to vent... (vent is to week a word, waht i really wanted to do was go out side and sccream till i was horse and then scream some more, but i didn't, i probably would have gotten fired if i did that in teh oparking lot at work...) thank you recent for making sure i kept it in perspective during my darker hours.
i can't say how much it means to me to have all the people here to help me through this, it is a great help.
and there goes another day... so the odds are now what now... no.. don't tell me.... they seem good, so i'll just go with that
__________________ My marriage is a wreck.... But hopefully, with time, patience and love, that will change. Pray for me as i will pray for all of you, not that our marriages get better, not that our loved one turn around but that we all shall find happiness, piece, love, trust and confidence.... GOD bless and good luck, we all need it.
honestly, i think i know that but still, it is hard to see it, at times. i mean, the pain and insecurity some times when i am having a weeker moment, can just cast shadows of doubt on every thing and when that happens...
i know it is f'n awsome that she said what she did and i realy appreciate it!! but waht i am trying to say is: some times, with out a source of frequent support and appreciation (not constant, but a few times a week) it gets hard to keep your "eye on the prize" determination.
i do realize that her being self focused is great and i am so proud of her for all the strides she has taken (i do make sure to tell her too)
as for the finances.... we got into a bit of debt. (i was too week to stop her from putting us there at the time) the debt is substantial and if we do not focus all our resources on getting out of debt, then we will be finding a new home again. i am slowly getting us back into the black but it will be a while before we are caught up enough to afford any thing beyond gas electric and house...
ok, i blame er for the debt, because she made it. It joint debt. Whether you spent it or she did you are both responsible. You need to forgive her for that, as you did not stand up to her regarding it and she took advantage. I think that is a big bone of contention with you and could lead to some resentment in the future.i did tell her know but at the time i was just scared and still in the "any thing for you" phase of the hole thing and wound up bowing down to her wants and placing them above our needs... bad idea, i know... but i am slowly fixing it.
any ways, i have come this far, i do not plan on throwing in the towel because of a couple insecure days (i don't let her see me that way any more, though i do let her know i feel it) i have worked hard for to long to let it go now that she has finally started to work for it.
i am sorry for yesterday, as i said, i was having a realy REALLLY bad day (emotionally that is) and i needed to vent... (vent is to week a word, waht i really wanted to do was go out side and sccream till i was horse and then scream some more, but i didn't, i probably would have gotten fired if i did that in teh oparking lot at work...) thank you recent for making sure i kept it in perspective during my darker hours.
i can't say how much it means to me to have all the people here to help me through this, it is a great help.
and there goes another day... so the odds are now what now... no.. don't tell me.... they seem good, so i'll just go with that
I understand the financial issues, but I urge you to contact some local churches or non-profit agencies in your area. They may be able to provide free or very low cost counseling services to you. Make a few phone calls and see what you find out. I hope today is better for you! We have all be in that wanna scream mood and I encourage you to keep posting here to vent.
i will also look around for counselors that we can afford to see.
and i do see it as our debt. no matter who spent the money, we both have to get out of this hole. i am not holding a grudge just stating facts, the money was spent on her addictions (the "games", the net, ect, ect....) any ways, i tried to cancel these things several times only to have her say "if this goes so do i" and as i said, i was still in a place where i believed that was the case.... my bad..
any ways, to day is a much better day. she didn't really do any thing to show appreciation, but she did decide to laugh and have a good time with me and the kids for a few hours yesterday and we both cooked dinner together.... it was a good night i think, it all has to do with her getting back on her meds and the side affects having to were off over a few days.... it's just that all those feelings of hurt and mistrust are still very raw and it doesn't tae much to send me spiralling back in those pits... but i tend not to fall as deep in with each time, as they are becoming fewer and fewer... i think that means i am slowly getting over the hurt she caused me and is a good sign?
__________________ My marriage is a wreck.... But hopefully, with time, patience and love, that will change. Pray for me as i will pray for all of you, not that our marriages get better, not that our loved one turn around but that we all shall find happiness, piece, love, trust and confidence.... GOD bless and good luck, we all need it.
i will also look around for counselors that we can afford to see.I would take the approach that counseling is an investment in your future. The financial repercussions of a divorce are much more expensive.
and i do see it as our debt. no matter who spent the money, we both have to get out of this hole. i am not holding a grudge just stating facts, the money was spent on her addictions (the "games", the net, ect, ect....) any ways, i tried to cancel these things several times only to have her say "if this goes so do i"That's a load of crap. She should not bully you into getting what she wants. That is an issue she needs to work on. and as i said, i was still in a place where i believed that was the case.... my bad..
any ways, to day is a much better day. she didn't really do any thing to show appreciation, but she did decide to laugh and have a good time with me and the kids for a few hours yesterday and we both cooked dinner togetherGlad to hear that the night went better.... it was a good night i think, it all has to do with her getting back on her meds and the side affects having to were off over a few days.... it's just that all those feelings of hurt and mistrust are still very raw and it doesn't tae much to send me spiralling back in those pitsThe counseling will help with these feelings. They are normal feelings to have.... but i tend not to fall as deep in with each time, as they are becoming fewer and fewer... i think that means i am slowly getting over the hurt she caused me and is a good sign?Absolutely
SE, i realixse that counseling is an investment, and it is one that i did make, the problem i have now is that it is either counseling or food, electric, heat, shelter for my wife and kids.. i chose food....ect. we are coming close to getting out of the hole and as soon as we are i plan on starting the counseling again... just a few months out is all
as far as the bullying goes... i am not aking it any longer... i never even had to say it... i think it was the change in my attitude, she just hasn't thought she could....
also, thank you for the encuraging words!! they are really great to hear.
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i do have a question today... and it may seem a bit out of the blue given my last couple posts...
how do you breach the subject of needing to be shown more physical affection with out sounding like all you want is sex? i feel kind of bad saying it but i need to feel that... i am still very insecure about her and us and i need for her to show me that she meens what she is saying.... i need more then just cuddling on the couch saying nothing to eachother during a movie. i need/crave some sort of intamacy.. is this bad? am i wrong? i just feel like i need her to show it more and i don't even know how to start to tell her....
__________________ My marriage is a wreck.... But hopefully, with time, patience and love, that will change. Pray for me as i will pray for all of you, not that our marriages get better, not that our loved one turn around but that we all shall find happiness, piece, love, trust and confidence.... GOD bless and good luck, we all need it.
oh, we are not part of any church, niether her nor i believe in "church" as it is represented in todays society. we do believe in god and in christ. but, the corruptions that both of us have witnessed has turned us off to the hole gather on suday with strangers bit of it.... it say to gather and talk with friends and family, we do that. that is our "church"
sorry for any one who disagrees but i will not argue that point as this neither the time nor the place.
i will add though that i have been giving the idea of going back serious thought since this all started.
__________________ My marriage is a wreck.... But hopefully, with time, patience and love, that will change. Pray for me as i will pray for all of you, not that our marriages get better, not that our loved one turn around but that we all shall find happiness, piece, love, trust and confidence.... GOD bless and good luck, we all need it.
Last edited by hoping; 10-30-2009 at 12:05 PM.
Reason: :P
Hoping: Kukos to you. You have toughness. And smarts (inventors usually are).
Use the church. They have services that will help you two pull together. I'm an analytical guy and I know about doubts regarding organized religion but don't let that deter you from using what they have to offer.
Write her letters, multiple letters. In some of those letters, drop hints in the letter ..."remember how you commented one time that you appreciated me doing XXX? That made me feel really good and those memories help me when I'm frustrated or have a hard day. I thought about it the other day and it helps me smile and so I want to thank you for that..."
That ought to let her know over time that her appreciation is important to you. No women want to marry to a stoic, stony man all the time. Be tough when occassions call for it and be a f*cking cold hearted executioner when you need to in order to protect your family. But when the armor plating doesn't need to go on, show her (and only her) your vulnerability and feelings and desires as a human being. And one of your needs (all men's needs) is to be appreciated and thought of as her knight in shining armor.
Have you read the book "The Wedding" by Nicholas Sparks. You may find many similarities with what you are facing.
thank you. i will read that book and i will see if any of the local churches have any services that i can take advantage of. and as i said in response to your other post, i was inspired and i was going to do that today. (i was even going to use pen and paper as most of my previous letters were typed and i wanted this one to "feel" more personal)
thank you for the reply, every bit helps to keep me going.
__________________ My marriage is a wreck.... But hopefully, with time, patience and love, that will change. Pray for me as i will pray for all of you, not that our marriages get better, not that our loved one turn around but that we all shall find happiness, piece, love, trust and confidence.... GOD bless and good luck, we all need it.
oh and as for the hard exterior, i use that only when needed and i do make sure to lower it when i am dealing with her... my biggest problem was that i never put it up with her....
__________________ My marriage is a wreck.... But hopefully, with time, patience and love, that will change. Pray for me as i will pray for all of you, not that our marriages get better, not that our loved one turn around but that we all shall find happiness, piece, love, trust and confidence.... GOD bless and good luck, we all need it.
Why not just tell her - I don't feel loved without sex - I need you to make the effort to have sex with me.
And then explain that there is no substitute for this. And that it can't be linked to spending money on the net, etc. She has to do it, to be loving. If she wants to link it to anything you better be able to put up a cold hard exterior and tell her that even attempting to link those two things is not acceptable.
Is she working? If not, and you are in so deep, why does she not work part time?
Quote:
Originally Posted by hoping
oh and as for the hard exterior, i use that only when needed and i do make sure to lower it when i am dealing with her... my biggest problem was that i never put it up with her....
On the money front - what even slows you from saying - I am not going to trade stability for our kids - which is what these bills represent - for internet access. And I resent even being asked.
She responds well to firm/strong behavior. Give her more of it. If she asks that question, and you use your brains and balls she will end up apologizing. And when she does you can graciously accept but don't go overboard.
And I do bet she is holding out on you sexually because you are not spending the way she wants. And that is super dirty pool. I would not tolerate that and don't think anyone should.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MEM11363
Why not just tell her - I don't feel loved without sex - I need you to make the effort to have sex with me.
And then explain that there is no substitute for this. And that it can't be linked to spending money on the net, etc. She has to do it, to be loving. If she wants to link it to anything you better be able to put up a cold hard exterior and tell her that even attempting to link those two things is not acceptable.
Is she working? If not, and you are in so deep, why does she not work part time?
Why not just tell her - I don't feel loved without sex - I need you to make the effort to have sex with me.
And then explain that there is no substitute for this. And that it can't be linked to spending money on the net, etc. She has to do it, to be loving. If she wants to link it to anything you better be able to put up a cold hard exterior and tell her that even attempting to link those two things is not acceptable.
Is she working? If not, and you are in so deep, why does she not work part time?
MEM,
I actually had this talk with her this weekend. It went well. i made it very clear that it had nothing to do with me getting any "extras" turned back on and that they would be staying off regardless, so that we could ensure a stable home for our kids. at least for the time being. she accepted this and she was understanding. she did say that she can't really understand my need (since she doesn't share it) but she doesn't need to, she just needs to understand that i need it.
we had a good weekend though, we took the kids trick or treating and had a blast then we all sat around the fire place when we got home and had a great family time (kids jokes and stories and those silly child hood day dreams ) and sunday we all went out and did yard work.
oh and i almost forgot. during that talk we had, she told me again that she was sorry for being the way she was and how glad she was i didn't give up on her. and how much she loved me that was friday night. and yesturday (sunday night) she walked up behind me while i was working on the pc and leaned around to kiss me passionately.... i was surprised, she hasn't done that in years!!!! i pulled her into my lap and kissed her back then asked with a smile "what did i do to deserve that" and she just smiled and said "I love you" then kissed me again... it was wonderful. she sat in my lasp for a few more minutes while i worked with my free arm then she got up kissed me and went to her lap top to play a game.... (may be i should have followed, but i didn't want to seem desprate(?) or some thing)
any ways it was a great weekend, i truely think she is trying now, i am just wondering how long it will last or if it's genuine at all even. (i pray that it is)
i love this site and the people here, you all are so generous and caring to offer up such great support to total strangers. i hope that i will be able to do the same for some one else. thank you
__________________ My marriage is a wreck.... But hopefully, with time, patience and love, that will change. Pray for me as i will pray for all of you, not that our marriages get better, not that our loved one turn around but that we all shall find happiness, piece, love, trust and confidence.... GOD bless and good luck, we all need it.
I positively would have turned the computer off! I think it is really important to give your spouse undivided attention. The computers in my opinion can be very dangerous to your relationship just as it can to any of ours. Sure it is good to have "me" time too but I think with what I have read with your situation, pc's would be off 24/7 for me. I do think that moment you had with her was a nice sign from her and you should take it and run with it. Its the positive energy you need to fill your love tank up.
I think you should read a book if you haven't already called the Five Love Languages. I keep hearing two significant languages in your comments that don't sound like their being met totally and that is why when she gave you some affection this weekend it lit up your spirits so much. Also, I would read the Love Dare too. You could try using that with your wife and see if it helps as well.
Re: frustrated... 
i am slowly getting us back into the black but it will be a while before we are caught up enough to afford any thing beyond gas electric and house... 
) and sunday we all went out and did yard work.
