meesh83

Should I forgive him and How?

I'm 26 and have been dating my bf for 6 years. He is my first love, and aside from a very stupid decision just before we were officially dating (which I never told him about), he is the only one I've ever slept with.
I broke up with him at the beginning of August, because he was acting like a stranger to me.

We were broken up for one month, in this time we were still sleeping together . I asked him if he had slept with anyone else, he SWORE up and down he wasn't.
(I really believe in monogamy and believe that its a full disclosure policy if you're sleeping with somone)

We decided to give it another go in about mid September.
Then someone told him about my "mishap" ...and he flipped.

Anyways, he found out about my mistake from before we were together officially and two weeks after putting up with the worst guilt trips of my life; he blurts out that he slept with someone while we were broken up but still sleeping together! The whole time I asked him because i didn't want to be sleeping with him if he was sleeping with other people.

The worst part about it is that it happened 3 times with this girl who I've met a few times and KNEW she was after him when we were dating. She would flirt with him right in front of me!! It was women's intuition and he knew I couldn't stand her. Which leaves me questioning whether or not this started up before we had broken up.
He SWORE he never cheated on me... but emotinally he was, and if he lied to me about this how do i know he's not lying about her?

I'm so hurt over all of it...but to find out it was this stupid disrespectful b****, I'm having an even harder time.
She still hangs out with his brother and his gf...so she is around now and then.

Is it a bad idea for me to tell her to stay away from him? \or should telling him be enough?

It happened three times, none of these times did he wear protection!!
*I've already been for an emergency STD check.

He really does feel horrible and before I knew about this we were planning on going to some counseling to learn how to communicate with each other more effectively, and learn to deal with some of our normal issues (kind of like premarital).

Here's what I need to know...

1. Should I feel cheated on?
2. Is this even remotely forgivable, since he's generally not this type (If you were in my shoes)
3. Is this a typical way that guys deal with a break up?
4. The girl knew/knows me... should I say anything to her?
5. How can I figure out if this is something I can move past? (before we spend $100/hr on counseling)
6. What would you do?


Thank you SOO MUCH! I REALLY hope you'll find a little time to help me out! This is a grey area that a lot of people seem to find themselves faced with... and I'm really confused.

I guess its just really hard on me because he lied to me about it and put my health at risk.

I dont understand how someone can move into sex with someone else so quickly when we were practically married (we owned a home together and lived together for 4 yrs; we were the same as a married couple without the ring)

Blanca

__________________

outinthecold

My so-to-be-x-wife cheated on a short time after my second oldest was born.

Even though that was some 15 years ago, it stayed with me everyday.

We had two more children and she finally left with another guy just seven(7) months ago.

I can tell you from my point of view, the hurt from what she did finally left me after I became emotionally detached from her just within the last month.

I felt so free, not to hurt any more from that pain of walking in on them.

If I'm unique, maybe, but I think you will always remember this, he will remember your indiscretion, even if it was before you met.

Pain + Pain does not equal being even or leveling the feelings.

I think you will both look at each other always, distrusting the other, feeling and imagining what the other did.

recent_cloud

may i answer your questions

1) yes you should feel cheated on

and so should he

because you lied to one another

2) everything we do is forgivable, forgiveness is a celebration of being human, that is, we stumble, our loved ones pick us up, forgive us, and we move on stronger for our lesson learned

3) it doesn't matter if it's typical or not

it doesn't matter even a little.

4) if you have a strong inclination to kick the **** out of the other woman i recommend you channel such energy to your husband

but use pillows and foam bats

then laugh, fall into each other's arms, and make a future

5) you already know if this is something you can move past

you're just not ready to hear your heart's answer

and the money spent on counseling is not wasted on a potentially failed marriage

the money is well spent to prepare you for what is coming

6) i'd not do what would i did

i don't abide broken trust, dishonesty

and so i moved on