Jim

My wife and I have not been married a year and we have had many problems. One of the issues we have is she claims that I think she is my property. The reason she makes that claim is because if she wants to go out I always have to ask were she is going, because she doesn't tell me. I have never told her she cannot go somewhere and tried to explain to her that I think I shouldn't even have to ask, that she should tell me out of respect or courtesy or just because it is the right thing to do. She knows it drives me crazy not knowing, and yes it does put trust issues in my head. Is me wanting to know were she is at being controlling?

bob_sacamano

I think it might be a bit. My wife is like you and I think she is controlling a bit. I cant even go outside and work on something without her having to come outside to find out what I'm doing. Maybe you should just trust her until something sends up a red flag. She might start telling you after a bit if you stop bugging her about where she is going. Thats what happened in my case, sort of.

larniegrl

If she is an independent personality...she may feel like the constant explaining before she does something (whether you say no or not) is like living with her parents again. No one really wants another person to constantly ask the what, where, how, why questions.

I would lay off it a bit...and just see how things change. It doesn't mean never ask, but maybe tone down a bit.

Round2

Hmmm... I think it depends on the intent when asking.

If my husband asked where I was going I wouldn't think anything of it because I can come and go as I please, but if he asked and then criticized me or complained when I told him, I'd have a HUGE problem with it.

If she says "Shopping with Kelly" is that good enough for you or do you interrogate as to which stores and when she will be back?

If it's just a curiosity thing then, no big deal. If it's so you can keep tabs on her then, great big deal.

Does she have a cell phone? If you need her you can always call her. :-)

I would have a problem if my husband told me he'd be popping out to the store and was then gone for 3 hours. I think that's disrespectful. On the other hand, if he said he was going to Future Shop, I'd make alternate plans for dinner. :-)

Maybe you need to look at the situation at your house and ask yourself what your motivation is for asking. If it's innocent, then ask away. You're doing nothing wrong.

ChimeIn

It might depend on tone of voice and your intent... if you breezily say, "What things have you got planned today?" with a feeling of fun and lightheartedness, you might get a lot more info from her.

If you interrogate, she's going to clam up.

I think you may be too controlling if she's never done anything for you to suspect something is up. I also agree with bob_sac... if you stop grilling her, she might give details.

MEM11363

Do you always tell her where you are going when you go out?

recent_cloud

you're both right and you're both, well, not wrong, just not helpful.

it's common courtesy with many to offer where they're off to when leaving the house, be it to spouse room mate or friend.

it's also common for many to have a very independent nature and need a whole lot of personal space.

marriage is, in the best of worlds, a compromise.

offer to ask less often where your wife is off to and in return expect her to on occasion tell you without a request where she's going.

for emergency purposes though it'd be wise if she did say roughly how long she may be gone, if not where she's off to.

every marriage has points of contention where both sides have some merit.

i hope this is and remains the most dire marital problem you face.