bob_sacamano

After 11 yrs of marriage and 4 children(oldest 17) my wife is fed up with my stupidity. I don't tell her I love you enough, I don't say nice things to her enough. She doesn't feel appreciated or important. I will do anything she want's me to such as go get her something to eat like takeout or wash/detail her car, do the laundry, cook dinner, etc. I don't do anything on my own, I don't go out with the guys (don't have any), I'm always home doing something or watching tv with her. She wants me to talk to her about my feelings and I don't know what the hell that means! Now she wants us to "separate" but live in same house and wants me to try to get her to want to date me (like strangers) and I don't have a clue how to start. She goes out with her single friends and other guys ask her out and she said she misses that feeling of being pursued or whatever. I think I got too comfortable in this relationship and she wants more or me to change. I can't imagine what would happen if I failed to "get her back", divorce I guess. Dont want that. I have a disadvantage in that she is pissed at me and why would a woman want to date a guy she is pissed off at? any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

larniegrl

Maybe she feels that you guys are not emotionally intimate anymore, or at least not bonded like you were when you were dating? I don't know...but try taking her on dates, try buying her lingerie, flowers, small gifts...etc. Do things to romance her.

The only thing that bothers me is the whole separation thing. I have always heard that "women and sex are like crock pots (don't laugh)...you need to start hours ahead of time and let them simmer."

bob_sacamano

hours! ha ha. I think you may have something there with the emo intimate. First I have to get her to WANT to go on a date with me, she wouldn't even let me go to a carnival with her and the kids earlier today and I doubt she will want me to go to church with them in the morning. Thanks for the help. I really don't have anybody to talk to about this.

recent_cloud

why is she pissed at you

i mean in general, or wtf else

you say your wife is fed up with your stupidity

that's a powerful statement

it shows you're aware

either your wife judges you wrongly and you respond with sarcasm or

you're not very good at romance and the lack of that skill set is finally taking it's toll on your marriage

you strike me as a very honest man

a man willing to communicate even though you often have no idea why you need to or what you need to comunicate

and so i have faith things will work out for you, but you might want to talk to a counselor just to get a handle on where you are.

MEM11363

I realize this is a hard situation but you need to show some hard boundaries. Not going to church together is not optional. If she wants to go by herself I guess ok - but she does not take the kids to church herself by default.

Have you stayed fit? When was the last time you took her out somewhere fun - your idea? When was the last time you told her she looked really hot. How often do you do that? Not hard, but very important.

As for separate in the same house - sounds like she is already having an emotional affair if not a full blown affair with someone and is just kicking you out of her bed in prep of full blown divorce. Ask her that directly - not angry - not confrontational - just her being honest and fair with you if that is where things stand. If she denies then ask to see her cell phone and computer passwords. If she gets defensive - hell she will only get defensive if she is guilty. And a woman almost never does this to her current guy until she has lined up her replacement guy.

PANDA

I would try to reconnect by doing as she asks - taking her out on a date, having a good time together, before going here.

I don't think the disconnect necessarily spells affair, and given that she is already accusing you of being out of touch with her, giving her the full Hawaii 5-O, possibly out of the blue, could make things much worse.

Observe her, consider whether there is evidence of an affair, and in the mean time start doing what she asks.
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bob_sacamano

I brought up the couselor to her and she just said "why so you can blame everything wrong on me?".

She is pissed at me for not making her happy the past 8 or so years.

I am fit as I can be outside of a little roll on my stomach when I sit down, 5'10" 160lbs, so I don't think it is my looks, although I have a few more wrinkles on the face than I did years ago!
I don't respond with sarcasm, that would piss her off even more.

She has bought me books about being romantic and such and I do those things in there and she doesn't really notice them because I was already doing some of them. (1001 ways to be romantic) Even bought me that "love dare" book and I was up to day 8 or so and she asked me if I have even opened the damn thing!

I wouldn't ask her for cell phone or passwords, that would be the final nail right then I guarantee.

She has some medical problems with her head (cysts on her brain) causing headaches and dizzyness so she doesn't feel like going out much. Unless it seems like on the weekend with her drunk ass stupid friends from HS, (all the single ones). Lastnight she was out until 2am watching her brother in law play in a band at a bar and she hates this guy worse than me! and doesn't really care for her sister too much either. Kind of odd I thought.

We do go out to dinner everyonce in a while but she says I don't talk about stuff she wants to talk about. Emotions and feelings. I don't freakin get it.

Well, thanks for the help all of you. I really appreciate the advice and perspectives. It's just hard to talk her when everything I say is either wrong or starts another damn argument.

preso

Seperating and living in the same house does not seem to me like it would have any benefit to working things out, as you are married, not learning to date !!!
Maybe she is expecting too much ?

I don't know but I feel a certain level of comfort and being comfortable is required to live happily. Maybe an afternoon a week can be set aside for something you can do together... like a hobby or something.
She apparently thinks marriage is all about talking about feelings. Maybe she needs a girlfriend to talk to?
I don't know any men who like to talk about their feelings all the time.
You can try being more romantic, but to do on a daily basis should not be required.
Try setting a few hours aside each week to do something you both like ( dancing, fishing, hiking, or whatever) and make sure you
keep going, even if one of you may not feel like it. You could even find a couples group in your area maybe.

To be honest, to me... your wife sounds demanding. Maybe something you can discuss with her as to if her expectations of marriage are realistic or not, with a counselor.

bob_sacamano

I don't think she will go to a counselor.

She has girlfriends, several, but I'm not sure how much they talk about her feelings and what not.

I would love to do something with her each week but it seems there is an excuse not to. Or she doesn't feel good.

Now I'm in trouble again for not waking up last night when she got home at 2am and making sure she got home ok. I was asleep but heard her come in after the dogs barked and I was in the half sleep/awake state.

Thanks again for the help, I'm in real trouble here. I couldn't imagine living without my family.

StrongEnough

My guess is you and your wife have spent the last several years raising children and putting their needs first. The marriage and emotional bond has suffered.

I do think that reconnecting and trying to "woo" her will provide some excitement for both you to rekindle things. I would plan some date nights and do some unexpected things.

Best of luck to you.

__________________
To be what we are and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end of life.

bob_sacamano

That sounds about right StrongEnough. Our children have been a handful and still are for the most part, but that is no excuse.

She just told me I should've come up to that freakin bar last night after I picked up my daughter from work at 11pm and try to buy her a drink or something. does that sound stupid to anybody else?
I didn't think I had to go to a damn bar to ask my wife out on a date?

Thanks again for the help.

Round2

..and if you had gone to the bar she probably would have accused you of spying on her/crowding her etc.

It sounds like your wife needs something from you but she's not quite sure what it is herself. It sounds like your marriage is in a rut but she seems to be suggesting things with no clear directive.

That's not fair to you.

Be careful that you don't fall into the trap of becoming her minion. She won't respect you for it. The game playing has to stop and real communication has to begin.

If she won't go to counselling, then go on your own. A counsellor can help you get some perspective, give you some insight and suggest some ways to start tackling the issues.

I hope things work out. :-)

MEM11363

Avoiding a counselor is a big red flag. Usually people do that because they believe an objective third party will demand they take some responsibility.

If it were me - I would say - obviously I am not smart enough to figure this out since I have been trying for a while. We need a counselor to help us. But I need to know you are committed and want to make this work.

If you keep allowing her to blame you entirely this will only get worse. When your children are acting up, being conflict avoidant makes them worse. Standing up to them shuts it down.

bob_sacamano

Thanks for the help guys and gals.

She still doesn't think couseling will work cause she said I would just do what I always do and blame her for everything.

She wants us to separate, sell the house and car, buy a cheaper car for her and then divorce unless I can win her back and get her to want to "date" me again. THIS SUCKS!!

I am not the dating type. I don't have a clue how to date women, I was lucky to get her, worked with her at a grocery store bagging groceries.

She doesn't believe anything I tell her when trying to say something nice to her or about her. She just comes back with some sort of complaint or turns what I said into something negative. DAMMIT! I don't think I can win here.

I didn't react the way she wanted me to when she told me that other guys were asking her out or buying her drinks when she goes out with her friends.

joevn

I think she misses the banter and flirting that goes with the whole relationship thing.

If that's not you, then you have two choices: 1) modify her expectation, or 2) modify your skillset.

I have a feeling she wants you to take door #2, whereas you are leaning toward the "your expectation is ridiculous" train of thought.

Think carefully about what outcome you want before you decide. It's been simmering for years, so you don't have a lot of leeway to make mistakes.