General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I'm just looking for some input and figured this might be a good place to get some. Its about relationship, but not only with my marriage also with my family.
Me and my husband have been married for a little over a year. In August my uncle (mother's brother) needed a place to stay. He had recently been in jail. At first it was okay, because I know that in life everyone is going to need a little bit of help and thats what you do for family. Lately though it is causing problems between me and my husband, me and my uncle, and mostly between me and my mother. My uncle is an alcoholic (all though he doesn't think he has a problem) He also has NO job. So here I am a stay at home wife, dealing with him thinking its my place to drive him anywhere he needs to go, and my sweet loving husband working all kinds of hours trying to make an honest living. To begin with the only reason I agreed that we could be the one's to help my uncle is because my mother has been overly stressed this past year and I wanted to help her out, but now when I mention something about him having to leave she starts crying and making me feel bad telling me that I am choosing my husband over my family. She says that I am being B*I*T*C*H*Y and self centered and that I need to realize where he (my uncle) is coming from. I feel that he is almost 50 years old, he put his self where he is today and I shouldn't have to "care" for him. Am I right? or is she right? Am I just being childish? Please give me some input. I feel like no matter where I turn its a dead end. My husband understand that I want to help but its putting stress on us. My uncle is just drunk and ignorant. and my mother like I said thinks Im the bad person here.. Any input is welcome! Thank you!
Your immediate family-husband and yourself-should come first. If its causing issues within your marriage, then uncle needs to go. Why can he not stay with your mom?
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To be what we are and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end of life.
He can't stay with them because my father doesn't allow drinking in his home. I want my uncle to go, I do, half of the time he's drunk and wouldn't know I'm kicking him out, the other half my mother makes me feel incredibly bad for wanting him out. Me and my husband NEVER have time to ourselves anymore. No only do we have ourselves to support, also him, and we aren't in the best financial state right now as it is considering I lost my job in April. No matter how I try I feel that I am the bad person. I'm almost to the point where my mother and my uncle can kiss my butt because it isnt worth ruining my marriage. We had enough troubles before this.
You're not putting your husband before your family, you're putting your family before your drunken, parasitic uncle.
I'm sorry that your mother is putting this pressure on you. It's terribly unfair as your desire to have your disruptive uncle out of your house is perfectly reasonable. Why should you allow your family to suffer for someone who has accepted no responsibility for himself and has substance abuse problems as well, making him both unpredictable and potentially dangerous.
Assisting someone is one thing but enabling them to continue on a path of destruction without any consequence is not helping either of you.
You, perhaps, should implement the same "no drinking while in the house" rule that your father has, and mean it. It wouldn't be unreasonable to tell your uncle that he needs to pay rent either. If not, I'm sure there are shelters in the area that you can direct him to. They won't allow him to drink either and it seems that curbing that bad habit will be his first step on the road to getting his life back together.
Sending positive thoughts your way. You're in an awfully hard position.
you uncle may be family but he's not your problem.
he's the family's problem, and yet you're nuclear family is the only part of your extended family that is doing anything at all about the problem uncle
and what you're doing is enabling him, not helping him.
tell him he has 30 days to come up with a plan, 'cuz he's outdoors as of day 31.
and tell your mom you love her to death but enough of the guilt trip, she's just pissing you off and it's not working.
Thanks yall! I just wanted to be sure that it wasn't me being childish. When I said he could stay here the rule was no drinking in my house and no coming home drunk. That lasted about a week and then it just went down hill from there. We said he needed to pay rent and then my mother jumped down my throat talking about how one day we were going to need someones help and that I should consider that. I feel that may be true, but call me crazy I believe that me and my husband are busy trying to have an honest living and not drinking our life away. I sat down and wrote my mother a nice long note explaining to her that this isn't me being a *B*tch its me being grown, and trying to take care of my own. She can be pissed at me all she wants. Oh by the way, about the no drinking he would rather go sleep downtown under a bridge and be drunk, than in a nice warm home sober. His bad right? so everyone agrees that Im right about this?! I was beginning to doubt myself. Thank yall so much.
Oh seriously. You're completely being taken advantage of here. Old drunk jailbird needs $50 and a car ride somewhere.
LOL your Dad called this mess early.
Yes my dad did call this early on. When they first got married he lived with them, and numerous times since. I don't feel that it is my place. I feel that maybe if it was MY sister or MY brother that I may feel differently but either way my mother won't let him stay there because it causes problems between her and my dad, so she should see where Im coming from saying its putting stress on our relationship. Me and the hubby have been fighting so much lately about stupid stuff that really doesn't matter all because we're both putting up with this and God knows he's trying to be supportive with this but its hard on him too. It's not that I have anything against a few beers every now and then but EVERY day and EVERY bit of money that you get.
Everyone of us has a relative we'd love to help a little bit and then they take control their own destiny after a hiccup.
But you know what? They don't do it. They strip out all our care, attention, and resources before we realize were being used by a leech.
My brother is like that. He lives as a total bottom feeder, hardly making a dime. I'll get to feeling sorry for him. so recently I gave him a computer and $200 so he could fix his car and look for work.
I found out later he turned around and gave the money to some girl! He's 52 freakin years old.
He hasn't improved his life situation one bit in 30 years.
Thats exactly how I feel. I could see us letting him stay here if I felt that he WAS trying. If he had a job. If he was saving money. Then again who wants to hire a drunk convict!?! In the last 4 years he's been out of jail like 7 months. Thats sad and only his fault. Of course to him its EVERYONE elses fault. I think that we all make decisions. My mother blames it on their childhood. He had the EXACT same one she did and she's nothing like that.
Just looking for some input
