General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Well, in the midst of marital conflict (we have been separated just over a week) I try to be positive, fun loving, thoughtful, etc. *refer to "My Story" for, well, my story.
But I keep screwing up. First, when we made the decision to separate she was going out of town the next day and we were gonna wait til she got back to sit down and talk to the kids. While she was gone, I sat down with them and laid the groundwork (well, I basically told them that mommy might be staying with grandma for a while so that we could work through some problems), they are 10 and 8. My thinking was that I could hold it together better without her sitting beside me and I didn't want them to see their dad falling apart.
But that was wrong. It was selfish and I should have waited...she was very upset with me.
Forward to yesterday. She has made an appt with a marriage counselor. However, she isn't currently seeking marriage counseling. She said that she is going to work on herself...she'll decide later if she wants to even work on the marriage.
I contacted the same couselor looking for advice about whether I should make an invididual appt with her to work on my issues, in hopes that when/if my was ready we would have a head start...or I should see a separate counselor.
She advised me to see a separate counselor until my wife, her client she put it, was ready to do a joint session.
My mistake was, when I asked her about seeing me, I said "I need some help processing her infidelity and our separation".
The counselor called me out on revealing that. I told my wife about what I said and she was again hurt, saying that she should have been the one to reveal that and now the therapist has a preconceived opinion of her. She said it was just like the situation with me talking to the kids.
I feel like the biggest selfish jerk. I asked her to forgive me. I try to do everything right, then a lapse in judgement threatens to undo all of my efforts.
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 5,641
Re: How bad did I screw up?
Talking to the kids in advance was a major fubar especially after you and your wife agreed on a plan. I've not read your other thread but let me guess that one of the issues your wife has with you is a controlling attitude. You have little control in the situation now, she holds the cards. You need to work with your wife on a plan and stick with it. She has said she doesn't know if she is ready to work on the marriage yet. Continued behavior like this will seal the deal for her.
Oh no doubt, I am making a mess of it. But really, selfish mistakes of that nature are uncharacteristic of me.
She just sent me a message yesterday thanking me for helping to make our 10 yr old's birthday party such a wonderful event and said how great father I was. I just want those types of feelings to be prevalent in her mind as this thing settles in.
I do have some control issues. Nothing major or abusive, mind you. Just out of necessity, really.
She does hold the cards and I hate it. She's the one with a history of straying and I'm the one who fights to hold it together.
Wow, for shame...she cheats and you revealed it to her counselor. In my opinion, that at least makes you a tattletale. R. U. sh*tt*ng me guy? Are these two things in anyway comparable? I think not. Hmmm, let me see, why might you have a "controlling attitude"? Could it be your wife cheats. Yep, that just might shorten the ol' trust leash some. Come on Amplexor, I realize he is a guy and all, so somehow he has to be at fault, but can't you see it from his side? Her counselor has a "preconceived notion", please...how about an "accurate notion".
For the record GreenandBlue, you hold at least as "many cards" as she does, unless you too have an undisclosed track record of infidelity. I would humbly recommend that you take a stand and show some dignity. No more begging. You're a man, not a dog. In the poker game of life, actions always trump words. What you said was wrong friend, but what she did was way wrong. LIL
Telling her counselor that before she has even had an 'in-office' meeting was really bad form. It was not my place to do that and it possibly adds another brick to the emotional barrier that I want to take down.
My 'control' is rarely presented in terms of keeping my thumb on her. She has interests and hobbies that I fully endorse as healthy and balanced.
Trust me, I haven't begged and I let her know that I needed her to stay somewhere else (though, she was thinking it too and it is her choice to continue to stay at her parents). However, I did let her know that I am an advocate for keeping our marriage together and giving it our best shot.
I called her out on her lack of respect for me and our family. I've never been unfaithful. But I let her know, that there had many times when a female stroked my ego and I knew that I had an "open invitation". But I was never willing to pay the cost of such a misstep so I remained faithful.
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 5,641
Re: How bad did I screw up?
Quote:
Originally Posted by lastinline
Come on Amplexor, I realize he is a guy and all, so somehow he has to be at fault, but can't you see it from his side? Her counselor has a "preconceived notion", please...how about an "accurate notion".
Had you read my post you would have seen I made no remarks about the counselor, her infidelity, how they got here, or who's fault it was. Simply stated that that agreeing on a plan of action with the children then directly taking another is a simple way to make sure recovery crashes and burns. Simply answering the the OP's question and making an observation.
GreenandBlue, As with every cheater - be prepared to take the blame. They always blame the non-cheating spouse for driving them to cheat. More than likely it's another reason she got upset at you disclosing to the counselor about her infidelity. She wants to prop her up first about the way she was feeling about her marriage that forced her to cheat.
Sorry, and I know folks will roast me at the stake on here but in the end you will also be responsible for her cheating.
And the fact that other women have "stroked your ego" and you decided to do the right/decent/moral/faithful/obligation to your marriage/loving to your wife/respectful/true to your marriage vows/honorable thing and not cheat has no bearing on anything!! LOL! Sorry to tell you you could have have had a free cheat and then you could have blamed your W for driving you away. Ha, this stuff just makes me want to puke. How about cheaters just fessing up and taking MOST of the blame cause they sure as H$@LL usually settle for 50/50.
The truth is, that unhappy couples get created out of a viscious circle of bad feelings. She did this to you, you do this to her becuase she did this to you, then she does this to you becuase you did that to her becuase she did this to you, and on and on and on until one person in the party breaks.
So just to be philosophical here and for the sake of discussion, you could have actually gone out yourself and had a few minutes of fun with someone else, then come back and work on saving your marriage. Right? So, what I am saying is that NO ONE needs to cheat, there is no excuse for cheating unless you are weak. Why not go to counseling before it gets that far.
Basically what the cheater is relaying to the spouse is that:
"Hey, I've been perfect so you never had to feel like you needed to get attention from someone else but you on the other hand have made me miserable so I will just go ahead and seek attention elsewhere."
Wake up call folks - Most of the time the non-cheating spouse has been unhappy at one point or another in the marraige and decided to be responsible and work through the hardship. As in GreenandBlue's case I'm sure.
Bigger sin was definitely hers. However, I'm sure I contributed in many ways.
I've been reading Andrew Marshall's "I love you but...I'm not in love with you".
Neither of us were meeting each other's needs and something as simple as recognizing each other's 'love language' would have allowed us to understand what we needed.
can i ask why you are the one feeling the blame here?
honestly, there is never just one person responsible for a problem in the marriage, but, usually their is one that does the most damage.... and i'm sorry but from your post i see her as that person, granted, you did wrong, we all do at times, but she is the one that went WAY out of line here, not you.
i would tell her that you're sorry she sees it as you undermining her therapy, BUT, you were looking for help too and thought "well my wife thinks this is a good person, why not?"!!!!
ok may be not that exactly... but you get the point. and as far as the controlling label.. i fell for it, and i am sure a lot of people do, she knows she is in the wrong, she did the crime. are you sure she is not just using it to place the blame on you for her indiscretions?
__________________ My marriage is a wreck.... But hopefully, with time, patience and love, that will change. Pray for me as i will pray for all of you, not that our marriages get better, not that our loved one turn around but that we all shall find happiness, piece, love, trust and confidence.... GOD bless and good luck, we all need it.
Perhaps I'm making to big a deal over it. I'm just venting.
I want to give us a chance and interfering will not help.
She knows she is at serious fault here. It is REALLY good that she recognizes this and sought counseling to work through her issues that stem back to childhood. I'm sure at some point they will get to our marriage issues.
I'm okay though. This is either an opportunity for us to finally get to the real issues and stop the pattern...setting us for a more fullfulling future. Or its an opportunity for me to start again and find someone who will be a better mate.
How bad did I screw up? 
