Just want to be happy again

turnbacktime · 10-28-2009, 02:32 AM

I am very ashamed to admit any of this but I need to get some advice. I am 31 years old, have been with my husband for 11 years; married for 6 of those and never had a boyfriend before him. I always felt he was my soulmate if there is such a thing, and had never had anyone show me much interest before this and also was too shy to initiate anything anyway. We are so in tune and I love him but about a year ago, we were having probably the first real difficulties in our relationship. Living with relatives, his work comittments and the stress of buying a new house meant that we didn't spend much time together, argued a lot (very unusual for us) and I at least was very unhappy. Not proud to admit it, but around this time I started talking more to a male friend from work and obviously enjoyed the attention from someone. This progressed to coffee out, and ended up in lots of txts to each other. We also kissed a few times and almost slept together before we both realised how wrong it was. I was appalled at my behaviour but when I was with him it was like reality didn't exist. That sounds lame, but it was true. The problem is that I work with this friend (not in the same room but run in to him at work a few times a day) and still chat and txt sometimes because we really do get along so well. I am finding it hard to feel what I used to feel about my husband because I also love this other guy. He has had many relationships and although he wishes we could be together, he is not willing to break up a marriage anyway. So I know I should be with my husband; I want to be happy again and start a family with him but even when I don't see or communicate with the other guy for quite a while I still think of him constantly and miss him. It's driving me crazy. I am focusing on my husbands faults - there are certain things that didn't matter so much that now seem to frustrate me. For example, I am more physically attracted to this other guy but am confused as to why I care about looks so much now when I never did before. Also I could not leave and break his heart even if it means I will always feel unhappy. I can't do that to him. But I am treating him badly because sometimes I want him to say he's not happy and we can just give up. Any advice on how to get back on track? I know I need to not communicate with the other guy as much as possible but he will always be at work so I just can't forget him.

lastinline · 10-28-2009, 06:55 AM

It's not real. If this guy is so perfect, why has he had so many relationships? It's hard sometimes to realize this, but you can have cancer and still feel great...for awhile. You can "just forget him". Place 1/2 of the emotional energy you put into this sleaze into your husband for 1 month and watch your marriage bloom. Try it and see. Money back guarantee turnbacktime. LIL

New Beginnings · 10-28-2009, 10:07 AM

Your experiencing the rush of a "fall in love" scenario with this other man. It is unfortunate that you have only been with one person because you haven't had the opportunity to experience multiple relationships and the good and bad that go with them. That doesn't mean that you have to have multiple relationships though to make a successful one with who your married to. It just means that your not going to have the opportuity to get to "live" those lives with others, that is unless you do go downt he road of having an affair or divorcing and finding out for yourself.

Now though the problem is your going to question yourself and your judgement will be clouded because of your percieved feelings for this other man. I can promise you though that your probably making a big mistake. An affair is a painful experience for both partners. It will tear your husbands heart out to go through and likely will make matters significantly worse for yourself. If you just divorce your husband and test out the greener grass, you may find out that you won't be able to turn back time and correct a decision that cost you your marriage.

The truth of it is that you've put yourself at a crossroads and now have to make the correct decision. Invest yourself 100% into your marriage or throw in the towel and venture into the unknown. Don't make a costly mistake and find out that what you had was better than what you thought you might have in the future.

hoping · 10-28-2009, 10:23 AM

this sounds like what my wife described to me when i found out about what was going on. we talked, it was painful, we didn't make much progress and she continued to do what she was doing untill it finally resulted in her cheating on me with my former best friend... and let me tell you that was the kind of pain that i would not have even wished on either of them, even at that moment.... but she was sorry, she told me about it on her own... i think it hurt her just as much to tell me about it and confess to it as it did for me to hear it... but, i was able to take all that hurt and turn it into the catalyst required to turn my marriage around, slowly, painfully... she made some effort though, and it was tough for her, and to honest, things haven't really made much progress until we lost our internet and she could no longer look outside the home for comfort. she was forced to open her eyes and see that what she needed was sitting right there with open arms just praying she would accept his love...

you need to dump you boy friend and go home for lunch or call your hubby at luch... try texting him, or e-mail, if you don't want to have fun together yet, just some thing.. you may be surprised and actually reconect enough that you will start too look at him with your heart instead of your eyes again...

preso · 10-28-2009, 10:25 AM

Turnbacktime...
You may be able to find some co dependancy workshops and groups in your area. From what you wrote, seems it will be of great benefit to you in your relationship with self.

brighterlight · 10-28-2009, 01:18 PM

As lastinline said - "It's not real". Don't lose sight of the fact that your "boy friend" has none of the pressures and responsibilities that your husband has to you and your family. Your husband is at a disadvantage becuase he has life responsibilties to tend to that your Casanova does not. It's unfair to compare them both. Work on your marriage; build new memories together; put some spark back into your marriage. Sit him down and have a serious talk with him about your concerns and let him know how he can help you both out and what is happening to you. If he is overweight and it matters to you; impress upon him the importance of his health and his appearance. Tell him kindly that you miss that and that you are losing yourself in your marriage because of XYZ. Ask him what you can do/change to help him change and be adult enough to listen and comply if something bothers him that he wants you to change.

Maybe with these adjustments you can be stronger and more in love than you thought possible. Start having more intimate contact in different ways - try new things. Be creative - have fun. You will see that you won't need to be thinking about the other guy at all.

Above all, keep in mind that your H is at a disadvantage becuase Casanova has nothing to do but work on your desires. Your H needs to do that while at the same time taking care of you and family matters which become very stressful at times.

Bottom line is that Casanova really has nothing on your husband when it comes to taking care of you.

knortoh · 10-28-2009, 04:50 PM

I think it's great that you can be honest here and seek help -
you can see logically around this - you haven't lost sense of reality - and you actually know what you need to do...

sure it will be difficult but you will be rewarded as well...
of course you can avoid him - delete his number - don't talk to him it's pretty straight forward stuff -

use your active imagination to imagine him in 2 years time with you but having an affair with another work colleague -because that is what would happen.

If you think you deserve this guy and you are ready to hurt your husband more than you have already by taking his love for granted - go for that option...somehow I don't think you will -

but either way get some counselling - so that you don't 'find' yourself doing this again with another attractive guy - because unless you learn something here you probably will repeat this again as well...

turnbacktime · 10-30-2009, 03:30 AM

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I do not want to "tear my husbands heart out" and I think my problem is that I haven't had much relationship experience. I realise now though that I can't change that and perhaps even I didn't need that because I found the right one first. I never wanted to be with anyone else before so I don't know why its come up now. I am going to try and be strong and work through this and try to remember all the points you have given me when I miss "the other guy" and appreciate what I have already. Also going to address some issues in our marriage so that I don't have silly excuses in my head for wanting to be with someone else. Cross your fingers for me.

hoping · 10-30-2009, 07:18 AM

{fingers crossed}

good luck.