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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-28-2009, 01:58 PM Thread Starter
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Post I need some insight

I am engaged to be married. We have a complicated relationship and we have both questioned it a few times. Itís really too complicated to get into. I will do my best to make this make sense bear with me and Thanks in Advance.
The main thing is that we love each other. I know that they say sometimes love is not enough. I choose to believe that it is if you are willing to do some work. I am willing. This is the issue at hand. Both of us can be insecure. We both work in the same place and we live together. We always know what each other is doing. During the course of our relationship there has been a couple of times where he has gotten jealous when there is nothing (and I mean nothing!) to be jealous of. I have never ever done anything to have him distrust me. I would never cheat on him and in fact I don't even look at other men. I am devoted to him. I always check in with him. I always answer the phone when he calls (even if I am on the other line) There have been times where he will get ridiculous and not exactly accuse me of doing something per say but insinuate. Whether itís how I know this guy or am I really going where I say I am going. Every time he has done this I have first tried to calmly reassure him and explain that he is being ridiculous and if he could see a videotape of my life he would feel really dumb for saying anything in regard to my trust. Its insulting but I try to give him the benefit of the doubt because god knows I can be a very irrational woman at times. Yet he is the one that is a workaholic or he is the one that doesn't pick up the phone when I call or he goes to meet a friend in town and isn't back for hours. Yet I trust him. I don't believe he would ever cheat on me or be dishonest with me. For some reason in certain situations as I explained he makes crazy statments. SO when he does that I will bring up those points about him that I explained that --He accuses me of crazy stuff yet he is the one that has more time to do things. So I say Well are you really working late? How do I know you are going to meet your guy friend for lunch? Why were you gone so long?
Anyway today he comes in to the part of the office where I work (and another family member as well) and says that "He is going to run some errands and he doesn't know if he will be back" SO I was really taken off guard because it is so unlike him. Or I will usually know where he is going. As I said he is dedicated to his work so for him to leave and give a vague reason was very strange to me. SO I got really pissed off because all I was thinking was "If I ever did that to him that would not be OK with him". SO he leaves and I call him basically like being "WTF" and he tells me that he is going home and that he just didnít want to say it in front of his family member. Again VERY unlike him but I knew it was true. But I got p/oed because lets see its OK for him to be able to say he is going to "Run and errand" but really he "is going home" If I did this to him I would be questioned and told I was acting shady or he just finds it weird. SO I was mad at the double standard. I admit I wasn't being the nicest. But he was telling me "How dare I question him" and "Should he ask my permission before doing anything?" And I was "out of lineĒ Well these are the same things I say to him when he accused me of crazy stuff. He tried to throw in my face that "I go out everyday for lunch" Yes I do I go home to walk the dog!!!!!! But he says "How does he know that". At that point I was thinking "wow is he frikken kidding me" Geez put a GPS on me check my e-mail I don't care I have nothing to hide. My father is in the hospital and I had just come from there and had other things on my mind and told him so. He ended up hanging up on me (Yet another thing that If I ever did it would not be OK) So I gave it some time and I called and said. "Listen I don't want to come home and ignore each other so let me just tell you that I was weirded out because its unlike you to just go home in the middle of the day and if I ever did this to you I wouldn't never hear the end of it!" Well he didn't want to hear it--I was pretty much bothering him and "he wasn't doing this right now and was that all?". So now I am sitting here thinking "Did I do something wrong" and my brain tells me NO but yet he is so angry at me right now. I called and tried to just let him know where I was coming from and he didn't want to hear it. So it seems like we are in for a long night slient treatment night. I have alreday tried. So I know this was probably hard to read and if you have hung on thank you. This is the simplest way I could describe a complicated situation. Can I get some opinions? Any question to clarify please feel free to ask. Thanks

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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-28-2009, 02:48 PM
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Re: I need some insight

A marriage is built on trust - for both parties involved. With that said, If you have not set a date for the wedding, I would wait a bit or if you have and are not commited to the date yet, push it back a bit.

I can gaurantee you that if you are already starting out this way, it'll get worse. What you are going through is usually something that happens to a married couple after one of the spouses has already cheated. I would say that your fiance is seriously possessive and immature. He needs to grow up.

Sorry, but my take on this situation is that you should give it a little more time. I don't know how long you have both been together/living together but it sounds to me like you should not have to be putting up with being smothered.

Part of the survival of a marriage in my opinion is some form of independance for each spouse so that you have the room to grow and learn new things. If trust is not present, then the marriage will not survive - one of you will be miserable.

Also, and I will be blunt here, marriage is very difficult and requires some sacrifice, so in other words IT WILL GET TOUGHER! I am not trying to scare you away from it, I am only letting you know that it's difficult enough starting out with a clean slate so can you imagine starting out with one strike against you already. He needs to give you space; what he is doing is projecting a sense of distrust for you - Not a good start!
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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-28-2009, 03:47 PM
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Re: I need some insight

Or, he's already cheated on her and he's projecting...
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-29-2009, 08:18 AM
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Re: I need some insight

Originally Posted by April07 View Post
I am engaged to be married.
The main thing is that we love each other.
You will find out, love is not enough when it comes to marriage, my advice is to straighten things out before you get married.
If you can't, take it as a sign not to marry this person.

Trust, respect, maturity and fairness, those are things a marriage is built upon. Love comes after those things are in place.
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-29-2009, 08:48 AM
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Re: I need some insight

The insight I can offer is from my own experiences with issues very similar to yours. You are not yet even married, and your fiancť is already attempting to control many aspects of your life. He has a double standard. One for you and a very less restrictive one for himself. With an almost absolute certainty, this will become progressively worse if the two of you get married. I would either go for counceling and convince him to also attend, or run like hell.

Infidelity does not consist in believing or in disbelieving: it consists in professing to believe what one does not believe. ó Thomas Paine (1737-1809), American revolutionary, political philosopher & writer.
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-29-2009, 08:56 AM
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Re: I need some insight

First of all, I would sit him down and discuss the rules. Whether he likes it or not. Tell him that the same rules apply to both of you, not one set for each. Either that, or get drastic and do to him what he does to you, just for a day, just to show him.

From my personal experience, my ex husband used to do the same stuff to me. He'd cheated repeatedly on me. I never cheated on him. He was always treating me like he was expecting me to do it to him. If I was just a couple minutes later getting home than usual, I got the third degreee. He even went out to where a girlfriend and I were playing bingo (bingo for goodness sakes!!!!), just to make sure I was where I said I was going to be.

I think that if they are treating you like that, then it's because they've done something shady before and think you're following the same pattern they did. Whether he did that sort of think in your relationship or before it, I don't know.

Something is rotten in Denmark here (old phrase).
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-29-2009, 01:15 PM
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Re: I need some insight

I read your story and immediately become concerned about the possibility of the glorious future you desired through this relationship. I think you will need to check the platform upon which you are building this relationship. No time to say much but you can visit the counseling site below for more help. Good luck.
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