aberrant

This morning, my wife tells me she is leaving me. She isn't sure it is over, but she wants to go live with her mother for a while.

A little background: We have been married for 3 years, but have been dating for about 10 (dated 7 years before getting married). Neither of us has a history of infidelity, we have no kids, we are financially stable, and plan to have kids in the next 2-3 years. Our sex life has gone downhill since marriage, partially because she works nights and I work days, and partially because I don't know why.

Around a month ago, I noticed she wasn't wearing her wedding ring as much. She had a lot of excuses- Oh, I was cooking and didn't want to get meat on it, Oh, I went to work and my gloves don't fit over it, etc. etc. About a week or two ago she stopped saying I love you and would respond with "OK" or "I know" when I told her I loved her.

I noticed all of that when it started but didn't say anything to her about it, other than asking if there was anything wrong a few times. In the past when she has had a problem with our relationship and I pushed her to talk about it, it upset her and she told me she needed time to deal with the issue before we talked about it. That was a pattern over the 4 or 5 fights we have had in 10 years. This time, I knew something was wrong but decided I would let her decide when to bring it up.

So this morning, on my way out the door I ask her again what is wrong. She tells me she is leaving me, that she doesn't feel like we are anything except friends anymore. She is going to stay with her mother for a few days and think about it.

She has to work tonight, so she will be there when I get home. I don't know what to do or say to her. I feel like she is leaving so she can see how it feels to be without me and if she can stand it, she will not come back. I do not know if there is someone else in her life. I don't think she would cheat on me, but a lot of her friends are younger than her, single, and looking.

I feel like I was trying to give her the space she always wants before we work out a problem and she just gave up on me. We have not done any marriage counseling, we haven't even really talked about the problem and she is ready to give up. I feel betrayed and lied to because she doesn't seem willing to try to fix things.

I will talk to her in about six hours, but I don't know what to say.

Please help me save my marriage.

aberrant

I am planning to try to convince her not to go stay with her mother. I am not sure of whether to be angry with her for wanting to call it quits without trying to do anything to fix things, or just to be apologetic and beg her to stay. I feel like I have been lied to for years.

dobo

You didn't chase when she was giving you clear signals... I don't know how well that went over with her. Maybe she thinks you no longer care.

How old are you? Did you live together during that 7 years?

The lack of sex = friendship, so you have to admit that she is right on that count.

You can't come up with a reason apart from the differing schedules for this? That would certainly contribute. Do you make time for sex? Make it a priority?

aberrant

Thanks for responding.

I am almost thirty, she is a year younger. We lived together for about 2-3 years before getting married.

I didn't respond to some of the signals because in the past when I have brought things like that up (her acting upset or depressed) she gets angry and says she needs space and time to think things over before she talks about them. Then a week or so later she would sit down with me and we would work things through once she was ready. I thought I was giving her the space she needed; obviously if I could go back I would act differently, because something was different this time.

Sex is a problem for us, but when I have tried to get romantic with her over the last month I have gotten no response at all. Sex is definitely something we need to work on, what I need to figure out is how to get her to give us a chance to do that instead of just leaving. I feel like she is giving up before we give it a shot.

Thanks again for responding; it is nice just to get my thoughts out.

gospelseed

What you are passing through in your marriage is quite challenging but you could be helped. Check the address below because I have enough marriage/ relationship information there to help you. Check on the topics there and you will definitely fall on the solutions you need and be helped. Thanks and God bless.

troubledparadise

I can sympathize with you, aberant. Sounds like what I went through with my husband earlier this year. (You can read my story on my blog "A Journey to Save My Marriage". To me, it sounds like there is someone else, but she's not sure if she wants to leave the security of your marriage for the unknown, but exciting new partner. If proof is what you're looking for, I installed PC Tattletale on our computer that we jointly use. Even if she is cheating, your marriage can be saved if you BOTH want it to. Chances are, if she's ashamed that she's cheating, and probably wouldn't want her mother, or family to know. Talk to her mom, and tell her how much you love your wife, and get her to help convince your wife you want counseling to save your marriage. Also, take gospelseeds advice and check out his web site.

aberrant

I might call her Mom, hadn't thought of that. What I really need to do is figure out what to say to her when I speak to her this afternoon. She agreed to talk to me before she leaves for work but I don't know what to say.

EDIT: and thanks again to everyone who has posted.

aberrant

Well I spoke to my wife last night. I don't think things are as far gone as I thought they were but she still seemed very set on seperating for a while. I believe she will not come back if she does this.

Does anyone else who went through something similar with their spouse have any advice for me? I feel like as soon as she told me how she felt she had already given up on our relationship. I want to try to make it work but she is already talking about us in the past tense.