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Old 05-22-2007, 04:06 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Question Confused

Hello!
I am new to this group but have a problem and am very confused about what to do. I am 46 years old, never been married, and have a sweet 9-year-old daughter I adopted from China. Two years ago I met a wonderful man and our relationship blossomed very quickly. We moved in together 6 months after we met. I knew he was married before, divorced and had 2 grown children who all lived in the midwest. We have gotten along very well. Bob proposed to me in March of this year and I joyfully said yes. He is kind, considerate, gentle, thoughtful, patient, and very loving to both me and my daughter. I knew he had filed for bankruptcy several years ago. In February an envelope came in the mail for him from a lawyer. I asked him what it was and he just told me it was related to his bankruptcy. I had no reason to doubt his word. Well, two weeks ago I was cleaning out his closet and getting rid of clothes that no longer fit him. Under a pile of clothes on a shelf I found 3 envelopes from the same lawyer. I opened them. I found they were divorce papers from a second wife he never told me about. The divorce was just finalized on February 23, 2007. I was crushed and furious all at the same time. I confronted him about it and he came clean about it, telling me that he had married this woman in 1998 but left her in 2000 when he could no longer deal with her mental health issues. He did not feel he could divorce her due to her fragility so waited until she did it, which was within the past year. He states he didn't tell me because he ws embarrassed by the relationship and felt I would never have dated him if I knew he was still married. Once we became serious he was afraid I would be hurt by the information and so decided to keep it from me. I asked if there was anything else he was keeping from me and he adamantly answered that there was not. I called off the engagement as I was not sure about things any longer and needed time to sort things out. In the following days I still felt very uneasy about things. I went on the internet and paid to have a background check done on him. There was a name of a third woman listed under "possible relatives". I was able to get the phone number to the woman listed on the divorce papers I found. I called her and was relieved when her story matched the one he had told me about why the divorced. But I was once again crushed when she told me that she was his third wife, not his second. I went home and confronted him again. At first he refused to discuss it with me but after much persistance he confessed that he was married three times and divorced all of the women. I was furious. I felt betrayed. He did not understand this at all and kept insisting that he is still the same man I have known all this time and that he doesn't feel any different for me, he still loves me more than ever. He feels I am reacting as though he cheated on me. I have tried to convey to him that the fact that he lied to me, even when I gave the opportunity to lay everything on the table, is what upsets me most, and that although I still love him there are definitely concerns I now have that I didn't before and that I certainly don't trust him the way I did before. He doesn't understand this at all. He has agreed to go to counseling with me, and in fact our first session is tonight. But am I crazy to even consider trying to work things out with this man? Am I crazy to feel betrayed? Am I crazy to feel like I do NOT want to be someone's FOURTH wife?
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Old 05-23-2007, 02:39 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I don't think you're crazy at all, it sounds like you have a right to be upset and feel betrayed.
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Old 07-05-2007, 05:35 PM   #3 (permalink)
lce
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Default How You Start Is How You Finish

A saying that the old folks have:
"How you start is how you finish" Liars, cheaters, and deceivers are generally not very smart people. They don't just do it once, they do it again, and again. If he is starting out like this, imagine what it'll be like years from now!
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