movingfast

This is a long and very complicated story, but I'm going to give the short and sweet version.

Basically, I was married for three years and my wife and I got involved in the swinger life style. During this time, we met another couple and I openly started to fall in love with the other woman after time. The other couple had problems and they split up, and the wife (we'll call her Betty) moved in with my wife and I. Not long after that, I decided to leave my wife and to be with Betty and we continued to develop our monogamist relationship.

My decision was a long time coming due to other factors that were causing many problems in the marriage. It was not just for the sake of being with Betty. I would have left my wife without Betty, but having her there with me made it easier.

So Betty and I leave our spouses and move in together. At this point, we've been dating over a year and a half. But, we both were married and had other people to go back to, now it is turning in to something different, something much better, which is what we want.

I know with all of my heart that I love Betty. I've know this for a long time. Betty is also in love with me, possibly to a lesser extent. She is having some issues with getting used to being in a new serious relationship. Her ex husband worked third shifts and was gone every night. I work first shifts and this is causing a little bit of tension.

Basically, she is use to being able to have her own time and leave when ever she feels like it, go to visit a friend or spend time with her mom, what ever.

Her ex husband was also not an affectionate person at all, and couldn't express his feelings or give her any complements to make her feel good about her self. I tell her that I love her all the time and shower her with complements, but this, along with me being home every evening and wanting to spend time with her, is making her feel smothered.

This has been going on for three months now but the tension just started a couple of weeks back. She suggested last night that maybe we are rushing things and maybe shouldn't be living together so soon and thought that she could stay at her mothers house for a couple of months.

I'm trying to be open and understanding and do what ever it takes to be with Betty. I'm just not sure how to handle this. We talk allot, and we talked about a lot of things that have been bothering her and we decided to give it some more time before we do anything like that.

Basically I'm asking, what kind of advice can be offered to help me, a person who is used to having their spouse home all the time and being dependant upon me (which is not exactly what I'm wanting from Betty at all), to handling my emotions (both from the divorce and starting the new relationship) while giving her the space she needs to also deal with the same emotions and not making her feel smothered?

reddevilmary

Having dabbled a little in the swinging lifestyle recently, it seems to me anyway, that swinging really makes you face YOURSELF....you question what it is you really want, what it is that really does matter. It seems like Betty is doing exactly this...trying to figure out what exactly she wants. It is actually wise for her to ask for some space to sort out her feelings, rather than rushing into another relationship that may or may not be based on good decision making. As much as you love her and fear that the space apart indicates a possible future apart, in the long run, if your relationship is based on common interests, goals, priorities, and wants out of life, then the space apart will just be time for her to clear her mind and figure some things out.

You should continue to be yourself.....don't you think? Don't you want to be loved and accepted for who you are, and not who you think you should be to accomodate someone else?

Anyway, not sure how great my advice is, as my own marriage has hit a rough spot recently, but somehow it's always easier to dole out the advice than it is to see clearly our own situations! LOL

movingfast

I'm not having to change my personality, I just need to learn to handle my emotions a little better. I have a difficult time dealing with Betty going out without me. This is what she's accustomed to being able to do though, her ex husband worked third shifts for the past eight years.

I also think I may be expressing my emotions to her too much ('i love you ' messages etc..), which her ex never did, and she thinks I put too much emphasis on sex. After talking last night about how each of us feel about the problems we've been having, I'm able to understand a little more clearly what she's talking about. We've decided to continue just like we are and see if talking things out helped.

True Blue

Movingfast, it sounds to me like you and Betty moved to fast. Time apart will give her a chance to reevaluate and determine if she wants to be with you, give her some space and time to do so. You both left difficult situations and didn't take time to heal. You both owe it to yourselves to get some "me time". Like the old saying goes, let her go and if she comes back to you, it's meant to be......

movingfast

I think you are both right. Some time apart would give her time to clear her mind. Not only are we both dealing with leaving our marriages, her parents are talking about getting a divorce too. That just adds much more un-needed stress on her right now.

I guess I'm scared to give her the space. Scared to be alone, scared she will find someone else who she is more happy with.... It's hard to think that though, because we both gave up so much to be with each other.

I've been doing a lot of reading, and I think one good stance for me to take right now is to hide my emotions and just be strong and supportive for her, to not add any more tension. If she wants some space, I'll give her what she wants and will be there to support her. I hopped that she would like to be with me during a difficult time like this, but maybe that's me rushing in to things some. I think for now, i'm going to not express any of my problems or concerns and focus on helping her deal with her issues without addressing mine.

Maxie

You met this woman while you were engaged in a 'swinger' lifestyle in which you have sex with other people - and you thought she was going to be a stay at home June Cleaver type wife??? Get real. You knew what she was before you moved in with her.

bhappy3

Well, I think if you just read between the lines of your own post that you'll see that you two just need some space from each other. You can't leave one relationship and dive immediately into another one and expect it to work. (Shoot, you didn't even leave one before indulging in the next one... you had them melded together for a while... it kind of morphed from wife to threesome to girlfriend.) The body/mind/heart must heal from the first one first. Not to mention that your relationship with your girlfriend is based solely on sex and to form a life around that is just kidding yourself and her. I think you may truly lust her, but to love her... not so much. Take some time away, grieve your divorce.

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True Blue

Movingfast..The fact that you're scared to be alone is a clear indication that you need to be by yourself to heal and work on YOU. You are really insecure right now and in that frame of mind you can't be happy or develop and maintain a healthy relationship with Betty. If Betty finds someone else that makes her happier than so be it. Do you really want a woman who cannot commit to you? Sounds like you fell for the rebound and we all know those relationships seldom work out. The best thing for YOU is to take time and figure out what you want and need. If it turns out you and Betty want different things, then you owe it to yourself to find a woman with whom you can travel the same road with and be happy. I wish you the best.