General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
It seems like there are people here willing to listen and give advice, so I thought I'd share my situation.
I got married 2 and a half years ago at the age of 23 (wife same age). Due to having never had a serious girlfriend before her, and owing partly to religious beliefs, we did not live together nor sleep together (I was a virgin on our wedding night).
I recall loving the fact that I could tell her honestly if I thought she was wrong about something as long as I back it up with thoughtful reasons (I'm very logical), and she could take constructive criticism. I also enjoyed her company, and she was happy and laughed at my randomness. I never really had a girl pay attention to me or find me attractive, so that was probably a part of it. Honestly, having such low self-esteem in the past, having any girl show interest in me probably affected me a lot.
Anyways, we knew each other online and on phone/webcam for about a year, then she moved near me and we were together another year before getting married.
She works in a day care, so I do understand that she has to put on a happy face all the time and be super patient with them, and she loves working with kids (and really really really wants kids of her own, though I'm not as sure I want them (having trouble with wanting it to be just us two for a while longer, not wanting to put forth the time/effort or money when I'm not sure I have either, etc).
But while there are good times, it seems that she is always angry/frustrated/pissed at SOMEthing, not even necessarily me (not that it feels any different to me)....usually it's things that I think are such tiny petty and insignificant issues that I can't even imagine getting visibly angry over them so it stresses me out when she does, but of course I don't actually say anything because belittling others' feelings doesn't help anything.
I don't even like driving with her at the helm cause she gets so mad at other drivers, and if I say anything, it feels like the anger gets directed at me. Anger issues? I'd say yes, but they didn't show before we got married.
She no longer accepts the slightest criticism, no matter how nicely phrased, and even if she does feel guilty about something she defects it with 'so now everything's MY fault, AGAIN' rather than just admitting a mistake.....pride and stubbornness has overcome her, which is the exact opposite of what I fell in love with.
Other issues perhaps I should leave for the sex sub-forum, but the basics is that I don't find it satisfying (I make every effort to 'go down' and ensure she 'gets there' every time, but she doesn't want to be/act sexy, or initiate, or even be sexually giving at all) leading to a lack of desire and as a result she complains about it only being once every 1-3 weeks.
So even though I still say I love you every day and show it as best I can, I'm not sure how much I mean it anymore...
To be honest thoughts of divorce and how much better my life could be have been in my head a lot, but again due to social/religious pressures and fear of what others would think of me have made me stubbornly try to continue being patient and forgiving.... I do think there may be someone much better for me (even though I'm good for her), but I'm almost the type to be like 'well I made this commitment and no matter how much is sucks I have to continue my life on this road no matter what'...I have yet to see whether the majority of members of this forum is mostly on the pragmatist or romantic side of the coin, so take this as you will, I don't know if I'm looking for a push in or a push out. Conflicted and Confused.
have you tried talking to a counselor at your church? they may be able to help the both of you. but i would suggest going your self first and try to sort through what you want, then if it is what you want, you can see if she will agree to couples counseling.
__________________ My marriage is a wreck.... But hopefully, with time, patience and love, that will change. Pray for me as i will pray for all of you, not that our marriages get better, not that our loved one turn around but that we all shall find happiness, piece, love, trust and confidence.... GOD bless and good luck, we all need it.
Sounds like your finally out of the honeymoon stage. There are multiple stages of love/life in my opinion. I think what you might be experiencing is due to something that is bothering her. The question is if you can get her to open up about what is wrong. She could also be reacting to what she is perceiving something being wrong with you. There is also a chance she may not think anything is "wrong" so to speak but she may be getting off track herself without realizing it. I typically believe that we as couples don't always express our issues and tend to dwell on things, just as you are and maybe she is now.
Another observation is that both of you are obviously younger and the lessons you both are going to learn as your relationship continues can hopefully be applied to that relationship to address the issues. Unfortunately for many of us, we learned our lessons to late in the life of the relationship we saw either dissolve or struggled through to keep together.
About the only thing that I can suggest based off of what you have said is this. You need to continue to work diligently in opening up the lines of communication with your wife. I think you would agree that this has broken down to some degree. I think this one thing is paramount to any successful relationship. So I would start there with her, and no matter what she says, you must not be judgemental and just "listen" to what she has to say. Don't think you can start fixing anything or even come to her with that mindset. Just learn to listen if she is willing to open up to you with what is wrong. If she doesn't think anything is wrong then tactfully express to her what you are perceiving as wrong in the relationship. And a word of forewarning concerning the in the bedroom stuff. Be tactful because what you say could hurt her. I know if she had specific complaints about your performance and such, it probably would hurt to hear, even if you think your capable of hearing it. So use tact and be gentle in your approach to her. The worst thing a guy can do to a woman is judge her, its a deal breaker typically. Also understand that women just like men have a self esteem and if her's is low, critisism's with her could damage that self esteem.
This can be the first step to getting both of your issues out on the table. I would also agree with Hoping that you contact your church to find someone to talk to as well.
You also mentioned her being your first. You sound like your second guessing yourself in jumping at the first girl who gave you attention. If your starting to feel hung up on if there is someone better for you. I guess to me that really doesn't matter much. Many people in life can be perceived to be a better match. A lot of people wonder if the grass is greener on the other side. Heck you see it all over in threads here. I can tell you that about the only thing you might have gained from having a history with other women is variety and experiencing other peoples personalities. Granted in my opinion it is good to have had those experiences, I don't believe you should feel like your missing out on something. Trust me, every guy here and lady for that matter will tell you each one of their relationships have had its ups and downs. It really doesn't matter if your wife is your first or not, it only matters what you do with the commitment you made and that other people have just as much baggage as your wife. There isn't a "perfect" mate in life.
From what you described, your wife doesn't feel loved by you either. When a woman doesn't feel loved (in my experience) she is really short tempered and goes off easily. It's because she feels the weight of the world on her shoulders and she thinks you should be taking a little bit of the load off of her, but she doesn't feel that you do. So EVERYTHING seems like a big inconvenience/annoyance/worry to her. It's not the actual driver or criticizm, that is just the tip of the iceburg. It's the fact that she doesn't feel cherished and adored by you.
Since you can't control your wife, you have to figure out what you can do to make her feel more loved. In turn, she will be the happy woman you married and give you the respect and admiration you deserve. Do something special for her today. Perhaps rent Fireproof since you are religious and apply the 40 day love dare. I think you will have great results!
She no longer accepts the slightest criticism, no matter how nicely phrased, and even if she does feel guilty about something she defects it with 'so now everything's MY fault, AGAIN' rather than just admitting a mistake.....pride and stubbornness has overcome her, which is the exact opposite of what I fell in love with.
It's very important that you continue to challenge her and state when she has done something that you don't like, (while putting it as nicely as possible). The reason I say this is that, if she detects that you are caving in to her she will hate you for it. Also, little by little, by being snappy, she could eventually turn you into a doormat if you allow it. I know this sounds ridiculous now, but over time, by constantly choosing to keep the peace, some men become doormats this way.
Throw in the fact that the passion is already evaporating, and you have the possibility of making some ugly music together, long term.
You did well to come here and use us as a sounding board. Your marriage can be fixed for sure, but it needs serious TLC
Thanks for the suggestions everyone, I do appreciate it. I'll see if I can't get the communication lines a bit more open and do more to show my love.
I'll have to get more creative there, I guess.... Current things I do:
-Hug, Kiss, and say I love you every day
-Doodle on her back every night to help her fall asleep (she likes touch)
-The occasional flowers
-Cook for her
-Tend to her every request without complaint (you know, just little things like getting up to get her something when she clearly could do it herself)
What are some other things I could do....
You know what? I should just do a combination of googling for ideas and asking her directly (though I think I tried that before and I don't think she had any ideas other than more sex. See this thread on that topic: Giving hubby but getting disinterested )
You may want to sit her down and express your feelings, along with honestly laying down some boundaries/expectations.
There are always expectations in a marriage, if one is honest. Wife expecting husband not to cheat, to show love and care, and to support emotionally, if not materially. Husband has the right to have some expectations as well.
Phrase it well, let her know that it concerns you and it's making you feel less than happy in the relationship. Ask to work on it together or go to counseling together. Always put it in the context of you are doing it because you are honoring the vow and want to commit to working on the marriage.
But, how shall I put it, you need to show that you have spine and leadership on some issues in addition to giving. I know my wife appreciates this give-and-take. She says it makes her feel like she's in a partnership and more real if that makes sense.
Mr. Twain is very wise. His comments below are spot on. You MUST be able to critique her in a nice way - if she melts down - you need to revisit and explain that unless you can disagree with each other in a calm, rational manner your marriage is doomed to be unhappy.
As for sex. If she made more effort to please you, to make it fun for YOU, would you want to do it more often?
Did you ever do it 2-3 times a week?
You need to address that part, because if she is chronically frustrated sexually u cannot have a happy home.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkTwain
It's very important that you continue to challenge her and state when she has done something that you don't like, (while putting it as nicely as possible). The reason I say this is that, if she detects that you are caving in to her she will hate you for it. Also, little by little, by being snappy, she could eventually turn you into a doormat if you allow it. I know this sounds ridiculous now, but over time, by constantly choosing to keep the peace, some men become doormats this way.
Throw in the fact that the passion is already evaporating, and you have the possibility of making some ugly music together, long term.
You did well to come here and use us as a sounding board. Your marriage can be fixed for sure, but it needs serious TLC
Read the Five Love Languages book, it is an eye opener. And I also think you should find some activity that you can DO together, something not focused on intimacy or the relationship. Go for a walk every night after dinner, join a gym together and work out, volunteer once a week at a school or animal shelter. Some good, positive activity that you will SHARE that is not related to sex, TV, or the internet. Getting fit together can have a huge positive impact on any relationship.
Read the Five Love Languages book, it is an eye opener.
Getting fit together can have a huge positive impact on any relationship.
We've read the book and its workbook, though a few years ago...
It is useful, though perhaps we need a refresher.
Oi, the solution just HAD to be working out, didn't it... lol.
Yeah, I've never enjoyed working out, except back when I had a male partner and we pushed each other a lot and such.
My wife and I did go together for about 3 months straight 2-3 times a week. Honestly? It was horrible. She kept accusing me of looking at other girls (she's better about the insane jealousy now...), she would give up the instant she couldn't get the feel for a machine on her first try (another thing I can't stand....giving up and getting mad or emotional just because something isn't immediately easy.... you have to practice things to get good at them!!!)... It was not a motivating environment, rather I didn't want to ever go back...
...I understand!
How about walking? Tell her you're worried about your OWN health LOL and ask her to do it with you. You will be rewarded with uninterrupted time, good conversations, and endorphins! Sweaty people are sexy people
if she had that reaction to the gym, she has low self esteem issues... and when a girl feels that way, she is super critical of the relationship and subconsciously won't allow herself joy. Posted via Mobile Device
if she had that reaction to the gym, she has low self esteem issues... and when a girl feels that way, she is super critical of the relationship and subconsciously won't allow herself joy. Posted via Mobile Device
Yeah, that sounds about right.... the question is what do I do about it, other than try to make her feel good about herself with compliments and the like...
I forgot why I love my wife, need advice! 
