huangdaxian

My husband has a quick temper and a mean mouth when he's upset. He has a high expection on himself as well as others, not good at compromising. He's kind of pessimistic while I always think about the good side (i.e. home inspector found termite monitoring stations around the house we were about to buy, he thought of collasping house and wanted to walk away). We have some arguments but generally got along fine.

Now the real bad has come: we have a baby. He is a very loving and caring father. He worries about things I never think about, like sun light get into the baby's eyes while we went out for a walk. He got all upset and mean if some water got into baby's ears while I was bathing him. So if he thought of something I didn't think about, he will blame me as a bad mother, for lacking common sense. If our son not eating well, he would say it was because the stuff I cooked was not good enough.

Now our son is two years old and very active. Under my watch, he had some accidents that resulted with some bruise and blood. Every time it happened, it got worse. With nasty words and very dark face. Last time, he took a picture of my son with a cut under the chin and said he would keep it as evidence to remind me.

Last weekend, the worst happened. While drying my son's hands after washing, I moved away while he was leaning on me. He fell and chipped his fromt teeth with lots of blood. It's 100% my fault and I felt terrible.

My husband saw the blood on the floor and went berserk. He said he would call the police to report child abuse. Later, he kicked me on the butt really hard. It was not painful, but my heart was hurt by the action.

I have been walking on eggshells recently. I don't know what I did would dissatisfy him and made him trash me. After the last accident, he's been really mean to me and treated me like a dirtbag. I know he's hurting becuase my son was injured really bad, but I don't think I deserve the amount of abuse.

I want to keep a family, a happy family for both my son and my own sake. I cannot think of the possibility of divorce. If I take my son from my husband, I don't know what kind of thing he would do. I am really afraid.

I know I should talk to him about this really seriously. But these days, he kinda dismissed my feelings. For him, raising our son is the top priority, and everything else, even if everyone else is suffering is fine with him.

I don't know what to do...

NightOwl

First of all, having worked with toddlers in a day care setting I know that accidents happen. Something similar happened to me when a 2 yr. old in my care sitting on a bench leaned forward suddenly and fell on the ground, hitting and bloodying their nose. I felt terrible but the other day care workers assured me that it happened in a split second and wasn't my fault. Your son's fall was not your fault, these things happen.

As for your relationship - it is not verbal abuse if he kicked you. That means it has escalated and will likely escalate more from there. It seems like you are a conscientious mother so your husband's real anger may not be about your parenting, it may be about something else entirely and he's just directing it towards that.

If it was me I would not want my child in an abusive household. I think it would be better for you to leave him than let that happen. However, if he is willing to go to couples counseling as well as get anger management counseling on his own, I would say work on it because you don't seem ready to leave. But keep in mind that if you can prove he's been physically abusive - take a picture of your bruise if you have one - then you should have no problem getting sole custody. If he's that concerned about your child's well being he should be willing to work on the marriage. But if he's not you and your child deserve a better living environment than one where you feel threatened.

brighterlight

All children get injured at some point in their childhood. We just have to pray the injuries are minor. That's how they learn to take care of themselves and from their mistakes. It is not easy raising children so he should not be treating you the way he is. If he has issues with the way you are watching your son; there are better ways to communicate to you his concern than doing it the way he is - he is abusive. He will one day treat your child the same way. What will he do when your child starts school and makes a bad grade? or fails a test? or doesn't want to take a certain class your husband wants him to take. Abusers are not selective; as long as no one stands up to them, they will continue their trend.

"He kicked you in the butt" wow! Do yourself a favor; get out of this relationship. If you are afraid, call a local Woman's Center in your area - they will help you. Please don't take his abuse any more; you don't deserve it for trying to raise a child. I hope the best for you. Maybe someone else will come on here and make alternate suggestions but I will tell you that any man that hits a woman in any way, shape or form is not a man, he is a coward. Good Luck!

huangdaxian

Thank you very much for the replies. The thing is, I would have left him without my son, but on the other hand, things might not be this bad without my son.

My husband had a very bad relationship with my mom. It had caused me lots of heartaches and tears. All of us had our part to blame, but I could see that he is very uncompromising and unforgiving. Things just got really really bad after my son was born, who my husband treasures most in the world.

Yes, he could direct his anger to me about something else. Just after my son was born, I tried to nurse him and he had a little difficulty latching on (he was a few minutes old!!!). My husband said the very first mean thing to me as a new mom,"He doesn't want you!" Later when I talked to him about it, he said he was upset and then remembered that during the birth class we attended, I was a little playful while practicing nursing postures with a doll. He thought I was not being serious as a mother.

Brighterlight, you are right. I'm worried about my son's future as well. My husband is very demanding about grades and school performance. It's far down the road, but I know it would be an issue if my son doesn't meet his expectations.

I believe my husband has some serious issues in his characters, but he's very stubborn. I mentioned marriage counselling to him once before, and he turned all sarcastic.

For now, I think I will let things calm down a little bit. When he's in a normal mood, I will try to talk to him about the verbal abuse, especially in front of my son. Yes he's just 2 years old, but he knows.

joevn

I think your husband is a jerk. Sorry but it is what it is. He's acting like a child instead of like a loving husband.

He is treating you like a hired employee. Kids will fall and get hurt. Live with it. That's how they learn.

You need to sit him down and lay down the boundary. Tell him you don't want your son growing up with the stress of seeing parents in conflict. Tell him that his verbal unkindness is killing feelings inside you and you need his help in rekindling the relationship for both of you.

He may love you but his actions are killing that love. Either he fixes it, or you need to move on.

And kicking you in the butt? Tell him in no uncertain term that if it happens again, you will walk immediately. That is a boundary that MUST NOT be crossed ever again.

confusedwantingmore

Kids are like little sponges, they soak up the information that they see and hear everyday. Do you want your son to act like this to women when he is an adult? Because he will, he will follow his father’s example of how to treat not only you but also all other women. If you think it hurts having your husband treat you in this way just wait until your son starts to treat you with disrespect. Ask your husband what kind of man he wants his son to be.
He needs to be a GOOD role model and teach his son how treat women with respect or his son cannot be a success in future relationships. He is doing much more damage to his son than you. Every child has those bumps and bruises; it is a normal part of growing up.
Also, about his bruises let your husband know that a child with no injury is a sad child, because he wont get a change to live if you keep him wrapped in bubble wrap his whole life.