General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I'm new to this site and found it looking for help. I'm 43 and my wife is 39. We have two boys 8 and 5. We have been married for 8 years now. When I met my wife, she was and still is the most beautiful person I've known. She is easy to talk to and has a smile that is out of this world. She was pregnant with our oldest son when we met and since I have adopted him. The problem that has just come to surface for me is that My wife came home from work tonight and told me that she was moving out. She said she didn't love me anymore and hasn't for sometime. She tells me that she is not having any other relationships, that she needed her space and feels like I'm keeping her hostage. This came as quite a shock too me.
A little back ground on our marriage. I work a job that is good paying with great benefits, but I work swing shifts and my schedule changes daily. My wife has taken a job as a bartender at a nice private club because that is the only job that would work around my schedule. She has tried other jobs, but they always conflicted with my schedule and the kids. We don't live near family and finding a babysitter is very hard. For the past year, we have slept in seperate rooms and have not had any type of intimate relations. she told me it was because of my late hours and that she didn't want the kids to bother me while I slept. In her defense, she also had a hysterectomy this spring and I had back surgery, so I assumed that this was mostly due to the hormone imballance from her surgery why we haven't been together. We have talked about her going back to school which I have been encouraging now the kids are in school all day. For the last eight years we have been talking about moving and planning our future.
This event really came to light after the other night when she went to see her step-father who is on life support. She told me that after that, she realizes that life is too short and that she feels she is missing out. I asked her if she would go seek counseling with me and to please tell me what she is feeling. I told her that I love her and that I will do what ever it takes to save our marriage and even told her that if need be I would look for a new job. She told me that if I quite then she would leave me for sure. We have went to counseling before twice. The counselors told her that if she was unhappy, to leave, needless to say I told her that this was not the advise I expected to hear from a counselor but rather what we need to do to make our marriage grow.
For that last several years we have been friends with another single guy who is in his 50's(old enough to be her father) She has become closer to him than me, but we are friends. She is not close with her family. She talks and spends alot of time with him and tells me that he's easy to talk too and that they are best friends and nothing is going on that she is not attracted to him at all. I spoke with him about it and he also said the same thing and that he would never do anything to her. I believe both of them and trust her, but this is new to me where one of my wife's best friends is a guy. I told her about this and said that this was new, but with patients I will accept it more. Like I said we spend time with him as well as the boys and he and I do go out as friends as well. I know this guy is not the problem with our marraige, except that she feels comfortable talking to him and as a friend he listens. I told her that I wish she would talk to me the way she does him, but she didn't answer. I've been trying lately to talk with her more and let her know my concerns, but it doesn't seem to change her feelings and am concerned it is too late. I stopped at her work today to suprise her and she accussed me later that I just stopped by to check up on her and was spying. I appoligized and told her I thought she liked me stopping by and said next time I would call first. She tells me that she is not happy anymore in the marriage and hasn't been for some time. She asked me why I didn't see this coming. I guess I'm nieve, I told her that yes we do have disagreements and have problems, but all marriages do and that we need to talk about it. I don't know what else to do and what to say. I love her as much now as I did when we met, I just wish she would have told me these concerns years ago rather than now. I asked her if what she was asking for was a divorce and she said no, just time for "me" and that life is too short. She said that she has already looked into apartments, but I don't want her living in an apartment, I would rather do that than have her. I'm scared that I'm losing my family and don't know what to do. We don't get a chance to do much as a couple and alot of it has to do with my work, which she mentioned. We have been looking for sitters but like I said it has been hard. My wife says I'm boring and no fun, I used to be, but since I got married and had two sons, my priorities have changed with more responsibilities. I know she is not happy working where she is and wants something better, but with a high school diploma its hard. I thought I was making her happy, but now what do I do? If anyone has any suggestions please respond, I don't want to lose my best friend.
I wish I had better advice for you. I'm not sure how to get her to talk "with and to" you. Her comment about you checking up on her when you stopped by her work unexpectedly concerns me a great deal. That sounds quite, well guilty to be honest.
At the least I'd start getting counseling for myself. Work on improving what you can and what you know about right now. This will never hurt regardless of how things turn out.
Here's really the only specific advice I have at the moment. Please check with an attorney regarding how it is viewed in your state about leaving the house to move to an apartment or stay with friends, etc. In "some" states, it is viewed as abandonment of the children by the spouse who moved out. If that is the case in your state, I'd consider long and hard before leaving (actually I personally would NEVER leave) and I wouldn't allow her to take them with her either. Again, in some states, it is not allowed for a spouse to remove the children from their established home unless there is proven neglect or abuse going on.
Please protect yourself. I realize that at this point in time you love and trust her, but ... you may not always be able to do so. Take care now to protect your rights.
Personally, this isn't information I'd offer to her either. it's just something I'd keep under my hat and find other reasons for my decisions regarding staying and keeping the children with you.
thanks, for the info. I'm not worried about the work thing, I also belong to the club and have several friends there. Its a small town and if she was messing around, I would know before she came home. She even told me when I asked her if there was someone else that if she was having an affair, she wouldn't do it here, and she doesn't go anywhere except work and occasionally out with her friend and alot of times, me and the boys are with her. Anoher problem is that she has a couple friends that have recently left thier husbands and are now enjoying the out on the town life. She made a comment that these friends may enjoy it now, but will soon realize that things weren't all that bad at home. I thinks she feels something missing and I don't know what and how to get her to tell me. maybe I've been spending too much time trying to be a good father which I took on when we got married that I haven't spent enough time on being a good husband? Whats it take to be a good husband?
I am so sorry. If she isn't engaged in a relationship with someone else now, she is thinking about it and wanting to. All you can do is change you OWN behavior and try to be the husband and father you know you should have been already. Love her and let her go. Just because you separate for a while does NOT mean you have to divorce. Just because she is experimenting or thinking she wants to does NOT mean your marriage won't still survive and grow. Go get some good books about marriage and model the best behavior you can. Woo her again. It is going to be a long road, but you have a history and a family together... you can win her back. Good luck
It gets hard reading these sometimes. IT's such a broken record to hear in these relationships where the wife dissconnects like this and floors their spouses.
Here's what I believe a therapist would say about her and this other man, it is called an emotional affair. Its where a spouse goes to another person (opposite sex) for emotional support instead of their spouse. That is in all reality where your wife is at LEAST at right now with the other man. And I also would not close my eyes to there being more. A cheating spouse will hide their actions at all costs and try to throw you off their scent by telling you things like she has. But also, this is speculative at this point as to if there is more but it sure sounds like a grass might be greener viewpoint she has right now. I would suggest doing a little investigative work to see if there is more to her story than what you know to this point to at least put that to rest. Also being a bartender, regardless of your own membership and the small town theory you have of her cheating and you finding out, I would be even more concerned since that profession tends to be a little vulnerable to being hit on etc. So check email accounts, cell phone records, caller id, etc and see if you can really get a clear picture of that relationship she has. A key logger is also a good idea but if you have a virus software, uninstall it first or she may find out about it. Maybe use a sick day one time and get a chance to see if you find a smoking gun based on her activities.
If that all is clean after you do your homework with her then you can focus on the marital problems knowing you don't have a third person in the way. Sadly though, I think you do have this going on and she will be cold to any overture you make if she is distracted the way it sounds like.
Well I checked on all that and it all checks out fine. We talked again this morning and she told me that she has felt this way for awhile. She tells me that she loves me, but not in love with me anymore. I talked to her about going to counseling and that if she loved me at one time, we can try and bring it back. She told me if it will help me, then go, but she tried it and it did no good. She told me that she can't help the way she feels and to just give her her space. She just left to go look at apartments. We have talked about her getting out of bartending and she told me that she doesn't want to do this forever, she wants a more professional job, but just hasn't signed up for any classes. I know that everyone will say to give her her space, but its hard watching the house we built and all the memmories we have leave and I just have to stand by and watch it go. The bad thing is that I work in a field that I respond to emergencies and peoples look for me to fix their problems and here I am with no place to turn.
Haven't had any comments lately so I thought I would psot an update as of today. My wife is still living at home with me and the boys though more like roommates than husband and wife. She told me that the reason she doesn't want to leave is because she doesn't want to abandon the kids and chance loosing them. She told me that she did speak with an attorney and he told her that if she did move out, it was considered abandonment. She told me to move instead and I told her that I wouldn't and that I also will not abandon my kids and wife. It wasn't a argument, just a conversation which suprised me. After that it was dropped. Her feelings still haven't changed for me and she says she doesn't love me and seems to do what she can to show me that. She was telling me that her Irritable bowls have been bad for awhile that being home with me is the reason (has had it for awhile)and that when she is stressed it acts up bad and that she gets stressed when she comes home to the kids and me and that is why she doesn't come home. I have been doing all I can around the house to ease the stress when she does finally get home at night ( laundry, helping with kids homework, cleaning house having dinner ready and getting kids to bed) I also have been trying to workout everyday to make myself feels better and hopefully look better for her. We still talk and haven't really argued since she told me, I have started the program with Mort Fertel (anyone try it, I would like to know if it worked) she thinks I'm crazy and said if I wanted to spend money on CD's then thats my fault. I told her that if it would save our marriage and bring us closer, I would spend a million dollars. I talked to her yesterday and told her something that maybe I should of. We again talked about her male friend and how much time they spend together. She's with him pretty much everyday. Again, there is nothing physical going on and if you seen hm, you would understand. She told me that I think that they are having an affair and I told her that no I know your not having a physical affair and that I do trust her, I told her that what I think she is having is a Emotional Affair and that I don't think she realizes it. She said so your a counselor now. I told her that when she started to confide in him about her problems, dreams and issues rather than me, then that is what its called and that it can destroy a marriage. She said that she was going to talk with this guy and tell him what I thought and see what he said. (yea, I thought the same, like he's going to say I was right, he's going to tell her I'm crazy). Well like I said, she is still at the house, but still wanting to leave and talks about it everyday and usually doesn't come home until after I get the kids in bed or I leave for work (I work swing shifts and work schedule is really crazy). I know there are further issues going on and try to stay hopeful and have gotten in the habit to make time to talk. When she comes home or before going to work, I keep the TV off unless the kids are watching it, but I try to make myself available to talk and make every attempt to talk with her about anything, not our problems. I'm hoping that over time she will start to feel more comfortable talking, then we can try and iron out our problems. I told her that I would not bother her about what she does and haven't asked her what she doing when she's not at home since she told me she was leaving and that she needed her space. SHe told me last night after being gone all day with this guy (he has a plane and was going to take her flying) she said I'm suprised you didn't ask me where we went when I asked her if she had a good time. I told her that I promised her that I would give her her space and that I would not question and bother her when she does things and we left it at that. I'm hoping these changes will start to make a difference although it doesn't seem to be. I just got to keep doing what I'm doing and follow the program that Mort Fertel has me on. Let me know if I'm doing the right thing and if so, is there anything more I can do?
I'm glad you checked into the "abandoning the children" situation that leaving the established home could bring about. It's good to be aware up front. As far as whether you're doing the right thing. WOW! I'm just not qualified to say either way.
I think it's safe to say that doing everything to improve yourself, as in taking care of yourself, and in taking care of your children is always a good thing to do.
I would personally, start a journal of the times she is gone, for how long, and the time she returns so that you can show you are being the primary care giver for the children. That's just my natural "protect myself" gut reaction and probably doesn't change a thing in the relationship. I would, again personally, keep this information and activity quiet from her as you don't want to give her ways to use it against you.
If you can get in touch with a counselor, a pastor or someone professional to help advise you, that would be my next step. If finances are an issue you can contact United Way and they can put you in touch with organizations that use a sliding fee scale and adjust their charge based upon your financial situation.
Best of luck to you. I'm terribly sorry you are going through this.
hoping not too late
Re: hoping not too late
