he decided to stay, and now he is miserable

waitingwife · 11-04-2009, 07:16 AM

My husband of ten years had a short highly-emotional affair in Aug/Sept. For years, we have had money stress, he is away on business for weeks at a time, and his interest in me has been waning. I did something extremely stupid one night, but did no cheat, and it hurt him deeply. This was unfortunately at the apex of him becoming extremely close to a coworker, and he had sex with her. Revenge, hurt, inevitable... I don't know. They carried on with online chat for a few weeks, then he ended it.

I fought VERY HARD to keep him, making big changes: went back to work, started saving money/cut off my spending as he asked, agreed to share bills 50/50, and hit the gym in a major way to look my absolute best for him. He decided to stay, partly because he didn't want to hurt the children, couldn't stomach the expense of divorce, and does fundamentally believe in his vows.

And now the problem...
He is miserable. He makes it a priority to talk to me every day, buys me nice presents, and when he is home we do have great sex. But I know he is miserable, has no enthusiasm for life or for our marriage. Someone in his world told me about his affair, and send me chat archives from her computer, so I have read through a lot of their conversations. I know they had physical contact, I can deal with that/I'm over it. But hearing the way he spoke to her, his enthusiasm for her attention, the playful and imaginative way he interacted with her... it rips my heart out.

How do I give him that again? How do I elicit his enthusiasm for our relationship and give him joy again?

Loving Husband · 11-04-2009, 07:49 AM

Sorry for your hurt but there is nothing you can do but what you have been which is listen to what he is upset about and improve in those areas.. He has to want it from you. You can't make him.. He's obviously missing something. You said you had great sex with him but is he just as excited or is he going through the motions?? Is tehre a frequency issue with the sex?? Maybe he wants it more and not getting it?? What else does he say he needs?? Look you had "it" for him in the past and don't now. What is the reason? It's not time.. Find out the root to his issues and you'll see him back..

waitingwife · 11-04-2009, 10:02 AM

It is definitely not the sex. At the very worst point, the sex was the only thing that kept us together. He is very attracted to me and we are very physically compatible.

It seems like he is having a mid-life crisis of sorts. Unhappy with his work, although he is successful. Feels very burdened with the financial responsibility of family and household. Feels unappreciated and taken for granted.

His work keeps him away for three months/home for one month. The kids and I have gotten used to it, but he thinks when he is gone we just forget about him. We miss him and talk about him all the time, he won't believe it. It is difficult for kids to maintain a relationship on phone calls and Internet chat, he thinks they just don't want to talk to him, don't miss him.

I am rambling...
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Loving Husband · 11-04-2009, 11:03 AM

What is he looking from you to feel appreciated? There is something missing. Mid life crisis is an excuse for not being happy with your life. I understand distance hard but he would have that with or without you. Its more then that. There must be something he looking for from you to feel better. Think about it or talk to him. Have a heart to heart. See what he says
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