How do I learn to trust
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Old 11-04-2009, 10:05 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How do I learn to trust

I'll try to make a long story short.... I was married to a man for 10 years who destroyed all trust that I had in men, or anybody really for that matter. He lied, cheated, made me feel worthless, it was an all around bad marriage. I finally had the courage to get out of the relationship.

Fast forward 3 years and I'm now married to a wonderful man who treats me great. The only problem is I can't find it in myself to trust him. I think I've fallen into that mentality that all men cheat, and can't be trusted. I know it's wrong of me to think that way, but I can't seem to stop. Everytime he's late getting home, I think he's up to something. We chat though out the day though email, and if I haven't heard from him in awhile, I think he must me chatting with someone else. When he goes out alone, I imagine him flirting with other women. I'm constantly trying to catch him in a lie, or prove that he's up to something. I know this is all my problem, but I don't know how to fix it. He knows that I have trust issues, but he doesn't know to what extent. We don't have insurance that would cover counseling, so that's not an option. Has anyone else delt with something like this, or have any idea's on how to deal with this? I'm afraid if I can't get it under control it will ruin my marriage.
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Old 11-04-2009, 10:15 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I learn to trust

I went through the same thing with my new hubby. It's like I had to reprogram myself. He had the same problem from his last relationship and we had to remind each other that we were not like the ex's.

It takes a lot of time and self reassurance.

I also had decided that I needed to put everything into this relationship because I didn't want to have any regrets about it.

I don't know if this helped or not, but I know how you feel.
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Old 11-04-2009, 10:27 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I learn to trust

I have experienced that, also. I found that I had some deep self confidence issues, doubts about my own worthiness. If the first one didn't think I was "good enough" for him to be faithful to, why would this one? I had to work on ME. Had to build my own self confidence. For me that meant getting physically fit, making an effort with my appearance, doing well professionally and/or being a good mom, and having healthy hobbies/interests/friends. When I was happy and confident with myself, I was not consumed with worry that he would stray or abandon me.

It doesn't mean you can prevent something from happening, but you can survive it and maybe have a better chance of healing the relationship.
Just my experience, hope that helps
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Old 11-04-2009, 03:33 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I learn to trust

Time...time...time...lots of patience and love. Make sure before you react, that you have something strong to pin it on...and that it isn't just because you have a "feeling". Make sure anything you do or say is in regards to THIS relationship and THIS man. Do not react out of anger, fear or worry...actually, just let everything you do or say cross your brain twice before you act. It will become habit...you have to work at trusting again. It does not come naturally.
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Old 11-04-2009, 07:43 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I learn to trust

I feel for him cause he is getting the backlash of what other men did to you. You will need to find a way to trust again.. Let it go and see the man he is.. Not the man that has done things to hurt you.. It will only make your relationship strained..
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Old 11-09-2009, 10:53 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I learn to trust

My wife has the same problem I know the torment your husband has. I wish I could help my wife she is pushing me away.
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Old 11-10-2009, 12:44 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I learn to trust

sometimes it's not others you need to trust, it's yourself.
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Old 11-10-2009, 08:40 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I learn to trust

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ladybug30 View Post
I'll try to make a long story short.... I was married to a man for 10 years who destroyed all trust that I had in men, or anybody really for that matter. He lied, cheated, made me feel worthless, it was an all around bad marriage. I finally had the courage to get out of the relationship.

Fast forward 3 years and I'm now married to a wonderful man who treats me great. The only problem is I can't find it in myself to trust him. I think I've fallen into that mentality that all men cheat, and can't be trusted. I know it's wrong of me to think that way, but I can't seem to stop. Everytime he's late getting home, I think he's up to something. We chat though out the day though email, and if I haven't heard from him in awhile, I think he must me chatting with someone else. When he goes out alone, I imagine him flirting with other women. I'm constantly trying to catch him in a lie, or prove that he's up to something. I know this is all my problem, but I don't know how to fix it. He knows that I have trust issues, but he doesn't know to what extent. We don't have insurance that would cover counseling, so that's not an option. Has anyone else delt with something like this, or have any idea's on how to deal with this? I'm afraid if I can't get it under control it will ruin my marriage.
The key is not to learn to trust men, its to learn to trust yourself again !
and also by doing this, it will help you rebuild your confidence and self worth, self esteem.
It's not men you need to learn to trust, but to trust yourself and your judgement. With that will come the ability to know who to trust and to throw fear based delusions out of your thoughts...
the acdeptance you cannot control others actions, only your reaction to them, and you will have gained the inner strength to do the right thing ( your reaction) should it happen again.
This is a maturity thing as we can never control what another person does, only our reaction to them...
and as adults we must learn not be be dependent on anothers persons love to be happy. It is up to each person to be whole.
Co-dependency and being controlled by others actions is not the way to go. In order to do this, you have to learn to stand on your own 2 feet and trust in your own judgement and have the personal resourses to follow through with what you must do in life.
We are only responsible for our own happiness in a relationship, not the partners.

Last edited by preso; 11-10-2009 at 08:45 AM.
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Old 11-10-2009, 09:35 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I learn to trust

God if I haven't been thinking about starting a thread like this myself. I have been cheated on more than once and I have been looking at myself as to why. I was cheated on in highschool prior to a 20 yr marriage and that marriage I was also cheated on badly. Everyday the thought of adultery runs through my own mind and my greatest fear is that I will always be cheated on too. I know better than that but I also can't help the fact that the thoughts or as I call them flashbacks run through my mind when something reminds me of my past. The cell phones, the unknown bank accounts the unknown cell phones and records, the unknown phone calls to my home phone when I was at work, and on and on. I wish I could turn the insecurity switch off like a light. I am a successful business owner, good looking, in shape, extremely good qualities. So I don't always understand why it happens but I do know what caused the infidelity in the marriage or at least what actions of my own were the catalyst in it. I have no idea how or when this will stop for me or if it ever will but each day I have to tell myself that the person I am with now is not those ex's in my life who did that to me. I also have been extremely open with my spouse and she knows what/why I have the insecurities that I do. She is tremendously patient and understanding. I have told her that I know she is not them and she has never done anything to warrant my fears. She has told me numerous times that it is okay and she understands my pain and fear. She also was cheated on more than once and has been physically abused in the past so she has a very good understanding of why I have gone through this just as I am understanding of her own needs from her past. Thankfully I have a strong woman by my side now and we are healing together.

I also know this takes time as does she. But I also am very focused on getting over this one day at a time and I need to so that I don't hurt my current relationship. I don't dig into her actions and I don't investigate her either.

One thing that might help you to put things into a better perspective is that if you look back at the past relationship you probably could see the "signs" of your ex's personality towards you. Usually a cheating spouse has a 180 degree swing in the way the act towards you. Not always but usually. i know myself that if someone was to ever cheat on me again, I am extremely confident I could sense it or sense that something was up. So I try not to worry about my past and look at each day, one at atime, and just try to be the best person I can be. Its hard as heck but you can do it.

I would love to hear more feedback on this one. It is positively the one major thing I still dwell on at times.
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Old 11-10-2009, 09:39 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I learn to trust

I have a hard time trusting my husband because I'm a control freak. I want what I want and I want it done my way and on my timeframe. This has made it difficult for me to trust that he will fulfill my needs.

What I have learned to do is practice trusting him. I trust him with little things. I focus more on the things he does that I like, other than the things I feel anxious about. And when I feel anxious, I remember the good things he does and that makes me feel grateful.

My advise to you is the next time he comes home late, remember the times when he didn't. The next time he hasn't called in a while, recall the last nice conversation you had with him.

In addition to that, take care of yourself. Whenever anxiety sets in, do something you like that relaxes you. Take a warm bath or pick up a book you've been wanting to read. Take the focus off of your fears and put it somewhere else.
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