spiderweb

i've found this forum because i'm desperately looking for some help.

i'm very unhappy with my marriage but its not mine or my husband's fault - it is a catalogue of bad luck and circumstance which has brought us to where we are - i need desperately to talk to him about it all but every time i try he pushes me away and gets angry because of terrible bad luck with his health - things he says and does are breaking my heart but i know its not his fault and i understand totally why he is like he is - its just i am falling out of love with him a little every day and i dont know what to do...he makes a big effort in some ways and i know he is doing his best but he has been different from the man i fell in love with (through no fault of his own - i cant stress that enough) for so long now it seems this different way of being has become the norm

how can i complain and get upset and talk to him about it all as i need to when i know he is going to be so sad and its not his fault?

spiderweb

well he just phoned and i told him i'm unhappy - he didn't get mad - he said he'd talk to me when he gets home...

preso

with lack of communication and the only communication being hateful, its not possible to work anything out.
That you say its not his fault, is not true as he is the one not willing to discuss things.
No matter if his health is bad, he should not withhold communication from you, if I were you I would not be sad but angry and try to help him find counseling to work out his issues. If he refuses, you have no choice but to accept the marriage is over. HIS FAULT, as you cannot be angry and hateful at your spouse and expect a marriage to work

New Beginnings

Words can be very painful to hear when their fueled with emotions due to something such as what you describe about your husband. I must ask though, is this a terminal illness? I know guys in general are more babyish when their sick and I think its because of the care our mothers gave us when we were young and sick. So blame it on mom! jk :P

I somewhat agree with Preso about sitting him down and talking to him. You probably need to lay down some guildlines when you do sit with him like please allow me to get this off my chest without any backlash, offensive words, or anything else that you deem needed to say for his potential reactions. But I don't think your marriage is over because obviously you see some of the reasoning why he is like this now, wether that is right or wrong in the way he is expressing himself right now.

So at this point, figure out a way to approach him about this and what is making you onhappy. Be tactful in your delivery of this information and maybe you can open his eyes up to what is hurting you in the marriage.

recent_cloud

why are 'things he says and does' not his fault, and what are those things?

and what medical conditions cause him to become angry and push you away?

my third question i'll withold.

have a bunny

spiderweb

thank you for your replies - i am pleased to say that i reached breaking point yesterday and spilled it all to him and then he came home from work to get things sorted - it was a very difficult few hours but we're in a much better place than this time yesterday!

preso, you are right in what you said and that was what was causing the anger in me - i knew full well i was right in what i was thinking but the circumstances leading to my husband's responses are none of his fault and i am totally understanding of them - to answer recent cloud's question he got a chronically bad back through nothing more than working hard for 16 years as a joiner and has had more than 2 years off and remedial surgery - i cannot begin to describe the pain he's gone through and his mental state because of it was normal and expected - a full depression on top of the physical pain and finding out he has a life long spinal condition put paid to any useful communication for a long time...

we also have 2 small children (youngest 5 months) and their wellbeing and quality of life has been our priority, often at the expense of our marriage but that was the hand we were dealt at the time - we're adults and can recover, they are children and we only get to shape their young lives once...

new beginnings, almost exactly what you said, happened - instead of a very angry response from a man depressed and hurting i got the calm response of a man in recovery and back at work - he still has a long way to go to regain his former sense of self but this time when i said something he was ready to hear it and the conversation went well - he knows now how i'm feeling and i got a lot of clarity about the reality of the situation - not just my take on it...

i now know i am grieving for the last 3 years, all the things which happened (a lot more than the bad back and none of it brought on by ourselves - being stiffed for a lot of money, losing our dream life by the coast and having to go and stay with my family with a tiny baby - my severe PND - the subsequent work we've put in to get back to our life and the health problems making that all the more difficult) and its going to take me time to get over it all BUT we are back at the coast, he is in a job he loves which suits his back, the children have not been adversely affected by it all and finally i have summoned the courage to make my needs known and got the response i needed

lits going to take a lot more hard work to sort things out between us so you may have to bear wit me coming and pouring my heart out from time to time but ours is a very optimistic situation i feel today