Wife wont show any affection

hopefulinok · 11-06-2009, 03:29 PM

No my parents have no drug, drinking or smoking problems. I have never seen my parents drink. They are good Christian people that we have left her with before so i have no idea why it is a problem this time. I think it is a problem because she told me i wasnt playing that night and needed to find someone to take my place then when i told her this was my solution it wasnt her idea and ticked her off. I have directly talked to her about her affection issues. Have not gotten much feedback from her about it though.

hopefulinok · 11-06-2009, 03:40 PM

I am going to be going home for the weekend here in about an hour. Thanks for all of the advise today. I'll look forward to more advise come monday and will give an update of my weekend. I am going to be more assertive this weekend and am going to go help my parents tomorrow whether she likes it or not. You guys have a good weekend and thanks again. I'll keep checking here for the next hour so any more help today will be appreciated.

MarkTwain · 11-06-2009, 04:14 PM

hopefulinok-

Could I make a gentle request? Help my eyes by using paragraphs

Your main problem is that you have been too nice, and a door mat to boot. If there is one thing that really turns off a woman, it's having a man that walks on egg shels and does what he's told.

Here's a new word for you: NO. Use it often.

If you read this article I wrote, the light bulb may come on: Sexless Marriage?

However, you are already on the right track. you just need encouragement. Repeat after me. no more Mr. nice guy.

But understand this. When you spoil a kid and then realise the error of it and stop spoiling that kid, for the first few weeks that kid will scream the house down.

So it will be with your wife. If you start saying no, and start going to your card game, she will throw a tantrum. Be a man and ignore it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hopefulinok

her mom told me one of her regrets was that she never showed any emotion with her husband in front of my wife and she thinks that is because her parents never kissed or hugged in front of her.

Spot on... and history is repeating right in front of your nose. But if you put in place more firmness, the intimacy will get better.

MEM11363 · 11-06-2009, 04:41 PM

Hopeful,
Sorry for my earlier question - I truly intended no offence. It sounds like your wife has zero basis for arguing about them watching her. This is a perfect situation. She is purely trying to get you to not do it by bullying you. There is no fact here just force of will.

We have raised 3 kids - and taking a child for a late night drive home is completely harmless. They sleep well in their car seats.

I agree with everything Mr Twain said. You need to expect and prepare for severe turbulence. She may even threaten you - if she does - just ignore her inappropriate comments and do your thing.

After 2 weeks of you asserting yourself - when she starts to accept it - that is when you do 2 things in parallel. You tell her that the current level of affection/sex is not acceptable to you. Don't ask her WHY she is being cold. Tell her it makes you feel unloved, and undesirable and is harmful to your marriage. And if she does not respond that is really ok. Don't push her to respond. The next day or two days later tell her that you are adding an additional night out without her. If she trys to link that to the discussion about affection/sex just don't reply. Don't acknowledge or deny a link. Simply restate your intention to go out 2 nights a week. At best tell her that to want to be home you have to feel wanted. That simple.

She will fully grasp what is happening. And she has a choice at that point. She can earn back that night - you staying home - is by her providing you sufficient touch/sex that you WANT to be home. As you gently, firmly, steadily withdraw her biological desire to have a protector/mate will kick in. And she will likely start to chase YOU. This will be the hardest part of this transition. You have to let her catch you, without letting her regain control. If you can find that balance. Then all will be well.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MarkTwain

hopefulinok-

Could I make a gentle request? Help my eyes by using paragraphs

Your main problem is that you have been too nice, and a door mat to boot. If there is one thing that really turns off a woman, it's having a man that walks on egg shels and does what he's told.

Here's a new word for you: NO. Use it often.

If you read this article I wrote, the light bulb may come on: Sexless Marriage?

However, you are already on the right track. you just need encouragement. Repeat after me. no more Mr. nice guy.

But understand this. When you spoil a kid and then realise the error of it and stop spoiling that kid, for the first few weeks that kid will scream the house down.

So it will be with your wife. If you start saying no, and start going to your card game, she will throw a tantrum. Be a man and ignore it.

Spot on... and history is repeating right in front of your nose. But if you put in place more firmness, the intimacy will get better.

Meriter · 11-10-2009, 02:40 PM

I don't want to steal anyone's thunder, but I've had similar issues and this thread has been helpful.
I see I've been far too nice to my wife and she's walked all over me because of it.
I too am not allowed to do anything away from her and that is going to change soon. -The trouble is that we've been married 5 years now and after 5 years of ignoring my friends, I find I don't have any anymore. So now I'm trying to make some friend connections and she's seeing that and putting down my efforts every chance she gets.
I understand though that she is just being insecure and feels more comfortable and safe with me at home 24/7. I also understand that that's not healthy for either of us.

Thanks to all for helping enlighten me further.
and yes, hopefulinok, PARAGRAPHS please!