hopefulinok

I am needing some help and advise. This may be long but my heart is breaking. I am married to my wife of almost 5 years. We have a 16 month old baby girl who we adore. I have been worried for about 2 months now because my wife will not show me any affection. She will not hug me without me hugging her. She will not kiss me without me kissing her and i can not remember the last time she told me "I love you" other than responding to me when i tell her this. The sex is another story but not my main concern. I feel like i am a great husband who goes above and beyond to help her out. I do my own laundry, cook at least 50% of the time and do the dishes, vaccume about 30% of the time, always wash the bed sheets, and always take the trash out. She will tie the bag and leave it in the trash can rather than taking it across the driveway to the dumpster but i have never complained. We are always together. When we go to town we go together no matter if it is to the grocery store or just to get a soda to drink. It seems like we are never apart. Since we have had the baby i have not left her side very much at all. I feel guilty for even mowing the lawn and leaving her in the house to take care of the baby so most of the time my little girl rides the mower with me (she loves it). My dad is a farmer and needs some help right now planting his wheat so i have offered to help him one day this weekend but feel like my wife is mad at me for helping my dad. I have helped him about 3 days in the last year and feel guilty. My wife will send me text messages all day long telling me how bad the little one is being and says she is about to pull her hair out. Our little girl is not a bad baby and very rarely acts up so i feel like she is doing this to make me feel guilty and it works. My parents would help me do anything in fact they helped on and off for 18 months while we were remodeling our house but now i think i need to help him out but feel guilty for doing it. Both of our families spend Thanksgiving together. When we first got married we were both off on Thursday but had to work on Friday. Her parents live 2.5 hours away so i said "why dont we go to my parents on Thursday and leave after work on Friday to go to your parents so we can spend more time" and i was quickly told that her parents did Thanksgiving on Thanksgiving so i left it at that even though i was and still am dissapointed that there was no compromising on this issue and i have accepted the fact that we will not spend thanksgiving at my parents. The trade off was that we would spend Christmas at my families but now that we have a little one she wants to be home on Christmas morning and i agree but there is still no compromise on Thanksgiving. Her compromise is i can go to my parents and her and the baby can go to hers. Last night we were discussing how we are doing gifts this year at Christmas and i told her that i do not mind drawing names this year and that since we spent Thanksgiving at her parents all i ask was we spend some time at my parents over Christmas. Boy did this light a match. She accussed me of throwing that in her face every year. I told her i was not but since i have thought about it for 14 hours now maybe deep down inside i was because i never talk about it. I feel like i am always walking on egg shells with her to try to keep peace and too much is building up inside of me. After her getting mad at me I appologized to her and told her i do not mind going to her parents and that i had the best inlaws i could ever ask for which i do believe. So i still have not told her how i really feel about Thanksgiving but i know it will only cause another fight so what's the use. I had to ask her for a hug and i kind of got one. She had been married before we got married to a high school sweetheart and it last 2 years. I am not sure how many times her mom has been married and her father who we never see has been married 4 times. Her Grandparents were even divorced. I guess i am lucky because my Grandparents were both married for 50 and 60 years and my parents have now been married for 38 years so i have never had to deal with that. I have told her and her mom that this marriage is where the divorces are going to stop because when i got married i got married for the rest of my life and we will work through whatever we need to work through. I was crying when i hugged her and told her this again. I also told her that I could not imagine coming home to anyone but her or to an empty house but i am not sure i got through to her. She has not ever told me that and it worries me. We went to bed last night for the first time in 5 years without telling each other good night. It breaks my heart but i have decided that I am going to quit walking on egg shells and quit appologizing when i do not think i am wrong. I do not think she has appologized to me ever because she never thinks she is wrong. I started to call my dad and tell him i couldnt help but i have also decided that i am going to help him then Sunday i am going to either take my little girl out for the day or play with her at home and try to get her to go do something by herself. I know we both need some alone time but she will not take any for herself. I have tried to get her to leave our baby with her parents for a night so we can go spend some time together and she says she not ready to leave her. I told her i respect that and wont push but wanted her to know that i am ready and that made her mad. I am really just frustrated and dont know what to do or what to say. I dont know if she has lost the feelings for me because she wont say one way or the other so i dont know what to do to make this better. I guess the thing that kills me the most is there is no affection in our relationship and last night we were fighting for the first time in front of the baby. My little girl wanted me to hold her while i was crying and a 16 month old gave me a hug for almost 2 minutes. That is more of a hug than my 28 year old wife has given me in ages. I appologize for going on so long but i do not know who to talk to about all of this and really just need some encouragement.

Thanks a bunch!

MEM11363

You have been too nice. She sees you as weak. Women don't respect/love or have sex with men who are too nice.

This does not mean you should be a jerk. It does mean that when you feel you are right - and man - you are right about one thing - she is trying to control your entire life.

And that is wrong. You need to tell her that you are going to do a certain amount of stuff independently. And when she gets angry - just ignore it. And go about your day. Help your parents, spend some time with your friends. If you need to get a baby sitter - which is ridiculous - to help your wife I guess you can. The whole idea that she can't take care of ONE BABY by herself is ludicrous.

The lack of sex and affection does mean she does NOT LOVE you. You might or might not be able to fix that. But it will never get better if you let her control your every move.

When did she stop acting in a loving way toward you?

defeated

you sound like me. i just wrot about this in my relationship yesterday! and this guy helped me see that i have low self esteem and that i had to stop seeing myself as beneath him. i stopped acting desperate and took control of my day and it was a complete 180!! he was desperate for me! please PLEASE read my post. click on my screen name and look at my post that i started called "why wont he love me". its in the ladies lounge. in fact you could probly find it at the top of the list right now.

i fall weak in the knees when john treats me nice. he told me recently when i was telling him all about my emotions on this that he melts when i look at him in his eyes. but it doesnt matter how he feels. he wont show it. neither will your wife. she knows your weak. my husband knows i am weak. i wont be weak anymore. last night was a breakthrough. im not going to give up on our marriage but after 2-3 years of this.... ive decided. i wont give up on myself anymore. never again. you have to read the post i had. its long. but so was yours. read it. i think you seriously have the same problem as i do.

the guy who helped me said that nobody will love you more than you love yourself. i classified myself as "johns wife" for 3 years. today my name is not "johns wife". its "mariah".

defeated

one more thing. you have to tell her how you feel. you must. i think that she will not come to her senses untill you do that. i told my husband many times how i felt. but actions speak louder than words dont they? i just know that if you go and change she might not "get it" untill you let her know whats going on by explaining that she is hurting you. and then decide to help yourself feel better first. like i did. i hope im not lying to you. but it helped me not just a little- a lot. exceeded my expectations 100 fold. keep us posted

hopefulinok

Thanks for the reply. I have had in the back of my mind that i have been to nice to her and need to take a stand but am not one for conflict so i just bite my tongue a lot. I hope it is not too late to do this. I had come to that conclusion last nite that i was going to start standing up to her so thanks for giving me that advise. As far as her keeping the kid by herself. I didnt explain that well enough. She has no problem keeping her. She has a very good job and only works monday wed and friday so she keeps her every Tuesday and Thursday without any problems. I am off every other Friday so i keep her those days without any problems. That is why i know that she is just trying to make me feel guilty by sending me those text messages and it does work. As far as when she quite showing emotions it was pretty soon after we got married when it started and has just gradually gotten worse. I know part of that stems back to her childhood becuase her mom told me one of her regrets was that she never showed any emotion with her husband in front of my wife and she thinks that is because her parents never kissed or hugged in front of her. I do not think that she doesnt love me i just cant figure out how to get her to show me she loves me. Thanks again for the words of encouragement.

MEM11363

Hopeful - you are a bit confused right now.

This is not about her childhood. Stop making excuses for her. This conversation must be about what you NEED from her to be happy. If my wife did not want to hug/kiss/have sex with me that would not be acceptable.

No real man is going to go for a wife who freezes him out. It is simply not acceptable within a marriage.

With that said, you need to find out if there are any physical things that are repelling her.

I usually brush my teeth before kissing my wife - fresh breath is nice. I shower every day - and always shower just before bed/sex. I get my hair cut the way she likes. I dress the way she likes. So the pattern is simple: Anything that she has a valid vested interest in - that my effect her desire level - I do it her way without hesitation. Hey I want her to enjoy looking, smelling, touching me.

But behavioral stuff is different. If she is being a ***** for no good reason - I give it back to her in a firm male way. I don't get loud or nasty - I just do what you should do when someone is taking out a bad day on you.

And I cook and help around the house. But just to be a good partner. I don't do it so she will do anything with me. She touches me all the time because she likes to and I touch her all the time because I like to.

But affection and sex are not optional in marriage. And her childhood is not really relevant. If you push the right buttons she will want to touch/have sex with you. If you act submissive you are lost.

Mommybean

I don't agree that her childhood is not relevant. I have seen it in my own husband; people often repeat patterns that they grew up with in their own adult lives, and they don't really realize they are doing it. Since her mom sees this too, do you think that your wife would be open to listening to her mom talk about this?
My H had to go thru counseling ( and still is) to learn to break the destructive patterns that he grew up watching in his parents. It practically destroyed us, but now that he sees the connection, and rceognizes that he does NOT want to live that way, the counseling, coupled with the meds to treat his depression, has helped a great deal.

I DO agree that you have let her run things for far too long. You have to stand up for yourself, and let her know she can't walk all over you anymore. You have to tell her how the things in your marriage make YOU feel. Other than that, if she would be open to seeking therapy for her, encourage her to do so. If she can gain a better understanding of how her past has shaped who she is now, she may finally realize that she can break the cycle and show your daughter a totally different life than the one she grew up in. Good luck!

hopefulinok

Thanks Deafeated for telling me about your post. It does sound like a little the same. I have always been the person who wanted to do everything with my wife to make her happy because it also made me happy to be with her but I think maybe we are spending way too much time together and it is doing the opposite. I am going to stand up to her more and do some things for me. I wish she would also go do some things for her by herself because I think that would do her some good but she wont ever do that for some reason. Mommybean I do not know if her mom could talk to her or not and i really dont feel like i should call and tell her too much because I am afraid it would get back to my wife that i was talking to her mom and make things worse. I was just talking to her a few days ago and she asked me if she could ask me something that she can not ask her daughter. I had not said a word to her about any of this before but the weekend before they spent the weekend at our house. She asked me if we ever showed affection in front of our little girl. She said her and her husband had talked about that and noticed that we werent too close over the weekend. I think she could help because they talk every day at least once i just hope she will talk to her without me having to ask her.

themrs

If you pull away, you'll draw her in. If you start having your own life without seeking her approval and attention, she'll automatically want to get close to you. When my husband pulls away from me, the more attention I want from him.

And no woman wants a man she can control. I haven't met one yet. I want my husband to be assertive and decisive. It's nice that you make so many compromises, but I think it's time for you to put your foot down. It's okay for you to say no to her.

hopefulinok

Thanks themrs that makes a lot of sense. Since you guys have been so helpful let me throw one more thing in here that i didnt mention before. "i was afraid i was getting a little too long". When we got married i had always played Pitch "a card game" in my hometown every wed night from November to March excluding time around holidays. It is just a fun time with a bunch of guys. "no drinking and no gambling just playing cards". I played for 7 years with my grandpa and when he died started playing with my cousins husband as my partner. There are usually about 28 teams that play. The first year we were married i played and she was ok with it. The next year we were remodeling a house so i didnt play and then the next year we had a baby so i didnt play again. now that our baby is 16 months old i had asked her a few months ago if she would mind if i started playing again. She told me she didnt care so we started playing this Wed night. When i got off work and stopped by the house to tell my wife and baby girl by she was in a bad mood. She has to be at work at 4 a.m. next wed and told me not asked me but told me i wasnt playing next wed because she had to be at work so early and i needed to watch my baby girl so she could get some rest. This ticked me off because she told me this. My plan was that i was going to take my little girl and let her stay at my parents house while i played and my wife threw a fit when i told her this. Here is the kicker that I dont know if i am in the right or wrong. Where we play is my hometown which is an hour drive from where i live and we dont finish playing until around 10:30 pm so i would be on the road pretty late with my little girl. I dont see a problem with it since my mom would put my girl down for bed at her normal bed time in her pj's then she would sleep all the way home and i could put her to bed when we get home. My wife is off all day on Thursday so she would be with her all day. Am i being a wuss on this issue too or should i just not play that night and not have the little one on the road that late at night?

hopefulinok

Dang sorry guys. I guess I am on a roll today. I didnt mean for that to be so long.

themrs

It's not fair that she say you can't go and have your time away. It's emasulating to you and you don't deserve it.

Tell her you are going. She won't die if she doesn't get rest that night and neither will your child.

hopefulinok

It is not that that it bothering me. I know if i had to be up at 4 am that morning i would want her to help out with the little one that afternoon and evening and I dont have a problem watching her. I am off all day on Wed for a government holiday so will have her all day anyway. I love my time with my little girl. I really just want to take my baby with me for the evening and let her hang out with her grandparents that evening and let my wife have some time alone but dont know if it is wrong for me to have the little one on the road that late. I get the feeling that my wife doesnt trust my parents to watch our baby. I guess im asking what you would do? Should i say ok i found someone to play for me and i'll stay home this time and play with the baby or should i say this is my daughter and she is going with me, would you like me to wait until you get off work so you can see her for a couple of hours before we leave or do you want us to just go down early and you can get rest. I know that option would royally piss her off but think that would be my way of standing up to her and letting her know i am the boss and am not going to bossed around.

themrs

You should tell her (in the nicest but firmest way possible) that you are going to play and would she please have your daughter ready so you can take her to your parents house.

If she starts complaining, just ignore her. Put the ball in her court and see if she defies you.

MEM11363

Do your parents have drug, alcohol, violence or other problems that make them unsuitable babysitters?

If not, why is she resistant to you having them watch her?

Honestly if this was my wife - and she pulled the whole - "I am just not comfortable with it and don't have to explain" then I would tell her that the only other choice is she can watch the baby. I guess if she wants to hire a sitter to watch baby so she can go to sleep that is fine also. But SHE needs to find/hire the sitter. This becomes her project in that case.

But you do need to go out. And maybe you can find some other activity that is on a different night of the week.

Have you spoken to your wife about affection and sex? I mean in a direct - no nonsense way.