Am I too Blame???

bugdug · 11-06-2009, 09:54 PM

I need advise. Lately I been having issues with my mother-inlaw. I know this situation can be hard to deal with. She has left my husband when he was 8 years old. Recently I chose to break all contact with her until I recieved a phone call from her asking why I was upset with her. So I told her the things she has done and what she is capable of, and I want no part of it. (Example: She has helped her other son cheat behind the mother of his chidlren). I believe in this: One that is capable of infidelity can destroy their family, amagine the destruction they can do to your own family...

So here is the issue I am dealing with right now... My mother-inlaw called telling me if she could not get a long with all us than she didn't want to get along with anyone (something about stepping on toes). I told her I was okay with her keeping intouch with her son and my daughter. Than she proceeded to tell me I had it in for her because she didnt go to church. I didnt because my mom is not Christian. I feel this is manipulation!!! So than here I am talking about her to my husband, I get very emotional in the conversation... Why because I do love him, maybe one would see it as overprotected of the one I love. OK I am not great person I in the past when we were getting to know each other faught, I yell call him names... I realize I was wrong. he still holds on too that...
I know I shouldn't get upset when talking about his mother but she is a topic that blows me out of character. So the other night I get upset too emotional one would put it. He gets mad and hits me. He hit me really hard so hard my head vibrated and yes brusies. I am so scared of him now. I feel keep far dont get him upset, do not let him in anymore... If I just stay quiet talked when asked a question resume normal in my environment like I am ok. I think if I do this I will be ok.

Is it my fault? because of me getting upset with his disfuctional family? Did I make him this way because of our past fighting and making him feel belittle? I have apoligize and not at all belittle him for years... The fighting today is from his family, I get so upset with all them. I know he can't change his family. I guess my biggest fear everyone I have evered loved leaves, leaves me alone, but not by choice (usually caused by accident). I feel threatened by his mom & family because they are constantly rattling my marriage!!!!
IS IT MY FAULT!!!!

recent_cloud · 11-06-2009, 10:20 PM

of course it's not your fault

and the fact that you have to ask is not encouraging

do you need to be told a husband, anybody actually, has no right to hit you

or abuse you in any way

sigh

see, even if you did something wrong, your husband doesn't have a right to hit you.

why do you feel the need to ask the question

bugdug · 11-07-2009, 11:11 AM

I am asking this question because he keeps telling me i am the one driving him to the point of hitting me. Maybe my being upset and constantly bringing up his mother's foul living to be annoying to him. In the past I have shoot him down and realize it is wrong, I love him and should not shoot him down, I apologize and have not since done such a thing. Suposely I hit him once infront of his mother/grandmother he recently brought up - but I cant recall I did such a thing. I am sharp with remembering things and it irritates me when people forget a conversation or event/schedule. I think I was upset maybe said a few words but I didnt hit him... He says I slapped him... I think I would remember that... I dont know I feel like I am going crazy trying to remember this situation.

recent_cloud · 11-07-2009, 01:57 PM

sometimes, not very often, in life we're faced with a simple and clear truth.

this is one of those times.

no one on this planet has a right to raise a hand to you in anger.

it's really that clear and simple.

his violence has nothing to do with you.

no matter how shabbily you may treat your husband (and i doubt that you do)

he does not have the right to raise a hand to you in anger.

i know you don't want to hear this but you need to disengage from him before the violence escalates

because it often and usually does, if not checked.

and the excuse that you are driving him to the point of hitting you is classic abusive husband behaviour.

and stop worrying about his claim you slapped him some time ago.

the odds are it never happened

and he's just saying that to take the focus off of his aberravtive actions.

please seek help.

you're in danger.

sisters359 · 11-07-2009, 09:46 PM

It is a classic sign of an abuser to blame the victim--"you made me do it." This allows him to escape responsibility and gain control over you.

You should call a hotline for women or for domestic abuse. Do it when you can talk openly, and be honest. They will be able to give you advice. We cannot tell you what to do exactly because we don't know your situation.

Do not tell your husband if you think about and/or decide to leave. He may use violence to stop you. Just talk to someone---see a doctor even if you have to wait in line forever at a free clinic. Get pictures of your bruises, too. Otherwise he may lie and say it never happened--but most people know women don't lie about this and they will likely believe you.

If you have kids, don't tell them what happened if they don't know, just get the advice you need to help you leave safely with them if it comes to that.

This has NOTHING to do with your behavior. Yelling and getting emotional aren't great, but they are NOT in the same category as hitting someone. A man who hits a woman once will hit her again. A man who blames the woman will NOT accept responsibility for his actions. Your fear is what he wants. You must get help. Please, let us know when you do.
Good luck.

scarletblue · 11-09-2009, 10:28 AM

First of all.....IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!!

I agree with the other posters. The fact that he is blaming you for it is a very bad sign. He will not take responsibility for his actions or change his behavior if he blames you for it. That is such a load of crap! You cannot MAKE anyone do anything.

It sounds to me like you have some self esteem issues. Get some strength and realize your value! It's there within you!

In the mean time, drop the mother-in-law like a hot potato. Save money aside. There are tons of domestic violence victim resources out there......look into them. You need to think about what is best for you and your daughter right now. No one should live in fear of their spouse.