Hi...and could use some advice

MEM11363 · 11-11-2009, 11:06 AM

It is great you take care of the kids - I am saying start doing more things just by yourself - go to the gym - out with friends. It is not WRONG to focus less on someone who is treating you poorly.

You seem fearful that if you stop doing all this stuff you might have conflict with your wife.

Guess what - NOTHING will change until you are willing to have conflict because she likes things the way they are now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LostnSD

I stopped with the flowers awhile ago. As for the dinners...if I don't, then my daughters end up eating frozen pizzas for supper or grilled cheese sandwiches.

I really do appreciate all the advice given...I really do. I also wish it was as easy as "just stop doing it". Its odd...but in this marriage I am the talker, the feeler, the hugger, the one who tucks in at night and makes sure that family is taken care of first. Sometimes I wish I were the type of guy that had the attitude that if the wife were leaving me alone...my life is just that much better.

themrs · 11-11-2009, 12:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LostnSD

No...they won't. I think they like that better than the roasts/chops that I make at times.

But...as for the later piece of advice...I keep hearing in the back of my head "two wrongs don't make a right"

Why do you feel it's "wrong" to stop giving and start receiving? Receiving isn't wrong and right now you can't receive because you give too much and this is causing you to feel taken for granted. Stop giving so much and at the very least you will not feel as taken for granted. Don't be a martyr.

seeking sanity · 11-11-2009, 01:35 PM

I'd like to suggest that you have created this problem by not communicating how you feel to her earlier. To me it sounds like you've let this resentment build up over many years, and so when you finally do express your sadness/anger/hurt, and your wife doesn't respond in the way you want, it's a massive let down. The problem is that she, until now, hasn't really clued in to you being unhappy, it's new information for her. (Not excusing her, just reality.)

So, the other posters are all giving good advice - stop doing so much, continue to communicate how you feel, start spending more effort on getting your own life. It feels to me like you've let yourself get some enmeshed in this relationship that there isn't any LostnSD anymore.

LostnSD · 11-11-2009, 02:51 PM

Seeking...you are correct that I am partly to blame for this. I know I should have told her many years ago when this started to build...but I just swallowed it down and continued trudging on...hoping that things would change.

I have tried numerous times to get her to go out with her friends, go shopping for an evening for some "her" time...but she thinks we have to be attached at the hips. When she wants to go shopping, I "have" to go along (her words) to help her make decisions, pick stuff out, etc. Likewise...when I am finally able get to to play golf with some friends, head to the gym...or even out to my garage to tinker and have some "me" time, she either calls or comes out biotching or complaining about something that the daughters have done. Like I can do anything about it on the golf course. Ugh..

And perhaps I am just using this forum as a venting place...someplace to find somebody who has/is going through what I am. If so...I do thank all of you for allowing me to do that. It has helped just a bit getting my feelings out there. We had part of the talk we needed a few nights ago...but it feels like nothing has changed. She tells me she loves me on the phone and at bedtime...but her words are a bit empty to me. I want to tell her the same back...but can't right now. And like I said earlier...haven't had my ring on for a couple of weeks now.

seeking sanity · 11-11-2009, 06:13 PM

One thing you could do is ask her to read The 5 Love Languages. If she actually reads it, it will give her insight into your style of feeling love (you'll need to read it too).

Another idea is go out to do stuff for yourself, like golf, but turn off your cell phone. Just don't let her disturb you.

The point isn't to distance yourself, but rather have some of your own time.