General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Most people never want to go to counseling when it is given as advice. They (or their SO) waffle around the subject with the same reasons you gave - but somehow want the users of the board to find a better answer - anything other than that - to help them solve their problem. It does get frustrating to recommend something that is a legitimate help, but no one ever listens.
Hopefully you can understand the frustration - it just comes across as pure stubbornness sometimes - we can't always fix things for ourselves as many who have been on the boards for a while know.
But whatever route you take I wish you luck and hope it gets better soon.
I haven't but I would of if I'd wanted to stay in the other marriage - and I would if my guilt starts interfering with my life - but it hasn't. I'm able to acknowledge the thought and let it go - just like most stressers in my life - I think about how good my life is now and that I shouldn't dwell on past mistakes that I can do nothing to fix.
It works for me and it may work for you. But counseling is never a bad idea in my opinion - believe me I seriously seriously considered it at my worst point several years ago but once I cleared my conscience to my hubby I didn't need to anymore. Once I get things out in the open I typically do fine with whatever it is.
Hopefully that doesn't come across as hypocritical - giving you advice when I haven't done it myself - but ultimately in my situation I didn't need it. I have been to premaritial counseling and believe me it does bring up things to discuss and it helps to have someone there to work through them with your SO - it would be the same for this as well.
Well - mine is a different situation - he didn't know about it - he knew my ex had cheated on me but not that I had done the same. I just blurted it all out one day when I was about to have a panic attack with all the thoughts running through my head. He could tell how awful I felt about it. We just talked about what had lead up to it and he told me he was there any time in the future that I needed to discuss it.
The trick you have is that I got a kind of 'forgiveness' - at least in my mind although he would say he had nothing to forgive. You can't get that as your SO was in it with you.
I've gone to counseling, and it has been very helpful. For one thing, I respect the guy. He's incredibly intelligent, astute and articulate. He's also spiritual (not religious, per se but feels that love is a direct line to God). His entire goal is to teach people to love themselves, forgive themselves, and to choose loving behavior.
Part of the problem is what you believe and for a lot of people, they can't see alternatives they don't believe. Therapy can help change those beliefs into something you can live with.
I was cheated on when I was dating...and he married her a few months later...I eventually met and married my now husband and looking back, yes it was a crap thing to do...he should have respected me enough to end things properly before moving on to someone else but hindsight is 20-20...I felt horrible at the time but it enabled me to move on and marry someone I am much more compatible and comfortable sharing my life with...since your ex is now remarried, she may feel the same way. I don't thing the guy is a horrible person, just lacked the ability to confront a difficult situation (didn't want to hurt me, etc.) But I can say that now, it did take time, and I am glad all worked out the way it did cuz it's all good now
Best thing you can do for yourself, your wife and your ex is to forgive yourself for your past....you've already learned from it and applied it in a positive way to your life.
Thanks swedish. Did you ever get closure with your ex? I am happy for my ex and glad she has moved on and I feel no jealousy toward her new husband but I think I may still lack closure or maybe it is forgiveness from her. That is probably a selfish thing to want all things considered but still.
I just have to figure out how to forgive myself and to some extent my wife because she was involved. Thanks for sharing it feels good to not be alone anymore Posted via Mobile Device
Not one of my prouder moments, but initially that was my problem...lack of closure...he kept on contacting me saying he made the biggest mistake of his life, etc...and it made it even more difficult for me to move on...eventually, I wrote his new wife a letter...told her about our relationship and how it ended & that I had no interest in him, just wanted him to stop contacting me. Yep, that worked for me as far as closure...but probably hurt her in the process and that part I am not proud of.
There is a danger with a fantasy, in that the fantasy has no flaws.
This comment was made to Sabrina in the remake film of the original.
You should consider your Ex as the fantasy. You are in danger of really hurting the woman you are married to and say you love. I agree with the counseling concept, but I would also say there is a level of maturity needing to come in here too. The thing with your ex is over. That's why it is "EX". You need to settle it in your head once and for all and if you can't, then you need counseling to help you.
Re: Thinking about ex, being short with my wife..
